If You Were an Ass

luck clover“If you were an asshole, it wouldn’t be because of bad luck that you have no friends”.  This was Ph.D’s answer to my agreeing that I am ridiculously lucky with the people in my life.  He said, “It’s not just luck that you’ve created a circle of people who love you that are awesome.  You’re awesome and you picked good people and treated them well and they love you”.  Sweet, no?

Ph.D. has been visiting from Colorado for the last 5 days or so and we’ve done a whirlwind Seattle and meeting with the murder and friends kinda deal.  We’ve been crazy booked and just having the nicest times.  We played games with Cleveland and his wife, Quinky Girl, Traveler and Peaches, and we met up with my friends Tex and Fishnet, and went camping with Chicago and Chicago Boy.  We’ve have wonderful meals and lovely conversations and it was fun to show my loves and friends off to him and him off to my loves and friends.  He’s totally smitten with my whole family and circle, and it was fun to see them all through his eyes too.

You know that feeling when you share something you like with someone and they experience it and you sort of vicariously see it new through them?  It was like that.   Continue reading

Love is a Legacy

She said “I like to think that the love we make never really disappears”.  Yes.  That.
I answered, “sounding woo woo here.. I don’t think it does”.
She talked about the love as energy sent out into the world and you know how you just know that things are true?
I thought about this a lot, after I had had my last pregnancy and there wouldn’t be any more.  When I understood I would never have children I thought about it.  When my father died and my ex-husband and I were going through his accumulated stuff and deciding what to keep and what to shed, and when we’d packed our precious cargo of the things I’d keep from my dad, I had thought over and over about that the things I was saving, the things that were so precious to me and what would happen to them when I died.  I felt like I was preserving something of my dad and that I couldn’t do it well enough.  Some day someone will go through my things too.  My paintings and my fathers will get thrown away.  My half-finished or miraculously-someday-completed novel and the pictures of everyone I love, my precious books and my short stories and my motorcycle jacket will all be trash someone has to deal with.
match and a pile of ashes

match and a pile of ashes

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Sleep Over

Some frank talk of sex.. just letting you know.  🙂

I had my first sleepover with Boss this weekend.  It was his first sleep over in a long time and my first with a new partner in a long time and our first together.  I think we were both really nervous and hoping certain things didn’t happen and excited that others could.  When he raised the idea at first I said I didn’t think it was a good idea and then I changed my mind.  And then I changed it back, and changed it again.

In the end, I talked to him about it and we seemed cool.  He wasn’t suggesting staying over as some big step or proclimation of love.  When I said it was “too relationshippy” to sleep with someone he said “Well, only if we actually sleep though, right?”.  He was kidding, but the humour helped.  We set up the overnight.  He brought stuff and made a very delicious dinner and we chatted comfortably and enjoyed some time before our party. In his typical straight-forward way (that I totally enjoy), he said “I think we should relax with some good sex before the party”.

I had to laugh at that.  We had plans to go to a kinky sex party and he wanted to have sex beforehand.  Huzzah!  We laughed and talked and made my blog picture, and settled in my room.  We kissed and teased a bit before he turned me over gruffly and spanked my ass. Yay!  I got deeply into sucking his cock, to lovely lovely effect, and was left ridiculously excited and he helped me out.  🙂 Heh.

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How I Made Her a Slut Too

Valentines Day I was invited to a Tarts and Moar Tarts Party.  It’s like a tarts and vicars party, but without the boring vicars and with more men in fishnets too.  Jonah, Quinky’s boyfriend and his partner threw this lovely thing and were gracious enough to open their home to a bunch of us hoodlums.  People dressed like whores and brought all manner of “tarts”, aka pies. tart chocolate

The entire murder was invited, but Cleveland and his wife had plans to hit Dan Savage’s live show, and Peaches and her boyfriend, the Engineer had plans to NOT celebrate Valentines Day.  So, Traveler, Quinky and I set out.  They hadn’t planned to tart it up, but they did it for me.  I didn’t want to be the only one there I knew doing it.  It took about 3 hours to tart up Quinky and it was WORTH IT.  She wore a corset and stripey bra, a skirt she borrowed from me, stripey tights and high-heeled boots.  I wore booty shorts, thigh highs, red leopard shoes, a push up bra, and a tight little top.  We both wore pounds of make-up and these fabulous long lashes.  Best of all.. Traveler succumbed to our tarty ways!  He surprised me again, really getting into it and wearing his luscious black Calvin Klein pettable underwear, a long black and gold silken robe, cowboy boys and a fitted tee that matched his lovely boxer briefs, emblazoned with the word “Dang!”.  LOL.  It was awesome.  He was basically all package with his boots and a smile.  And Quinky was pretty much all tits, as her rather enviable “assets” were pushed up to her chin.  I told her, and meant it, that if she ever wants anything from anyone she should wear that outfit.  Thus began the evening.

We hit the party and had the loveliest time meeting people.  Traveler and I ended up snuggling on a pillow pile, petting each other and relaxing with some wine while we enjoyed a parade of good people watching.  Quinky was the life of the party, lit up and beautiful, laughing and joking and visiting, playful and fun.  It was so nice to see Jonah and his partner and Jonah’s other loves.  They have good group of friends for a cool party like that too.  Everyone was pretty chill and there was a fun sexy vibe to the night.  Quinky decided to stay and Traveler and I kissed her goodbye and headed home about 2:30. chocolate corset

As a little aside, I wanted to share a little thing we learned.  Recently that we’ve accidentally  left Peaches out a bit of “family” time.  We just haven’t done much stuff with the “Murder” (our little group) since the holidays, and Traveler and Quinky and I have enjoyed some nice time together.  We obviously never meant to leave Peaches out, but some of the things were when she was busy with her family or traveling, or with her other boyfriend or whatever so we didn’t invite her, which is frankly a mistake.  Even if you can’t make it, it’s nice when those you love invite you or tell you that they’d like your company.  It’s good to have it clear that you are wanted, you know?

I’ve had this feeling in the past too.. of being left out.  With any group, this can happen, and Peaches did the right thing and said something and it gave us the opportunity to make it better.  People that love us don’t usually mean to hurt our feelings, and we need to be brave enough to just clearly communicate with them when they do.  When we’re direct we stand a better chance of getting the things we want.

So, some of the responsibility for this falls on us.  But some falls on what is just life too.  Peaches has a family here, and therefore less free-time.  It’s not a bad thing, obviously, but she is a good mother.  She also has slightly different interests too, and that’s okay.  I try not to be jealous of the activities they do.  I haven’t ever been to a movie with Traveler, or taken a daytrip, like they have.  Traveler hasn’t ever wanted to take me to a concert.  And that’s okay.  We can do some of those things if we want to.  Peaches doesn’t like WoW and isn’t into some of the kink we’re exploring.  And you know.. that’s a GOOD thing.  If Peaches and I were identical and liked all the same stuff how boring would that be for Traveler?  It’s nice that Peaches and Quinky and I have some overlapping interests and some unique interests.  So, like with most things.. it takes two sides.  I need to not assume people have a bad reason for what they do and I have to tell them if they are accidentally being thoughtless, and be willing to forgive their oversight.  I just thought it was a cool thing to remember and I was really grateful she’d said something.  We all do this stuff in our relationships, so we need to communicate with each other and remember to not take those we love and their certainty of our love for granted.  🙂

Women are Hard to Get

phone numberWhy are women so hard?  Okay.. admittedly I am not the best person to ask about how to get women.  I don’t really try.  A woman has to pretty much say “I’d like to have sex with you” for me to get it.  I just assume that women are not into me before I ask, so I never ask.  Part of this is that I am dense as a fucking post when it comes to hints.  I no speaky hints.  If you are coy and I can’t obviously tell you like me I walk away thinking “I don’t wanna bother her”.  I don’t hint or allude much.  I tend to err on the side of “so this is awkward.. but I am going to say this thing I probably shouldn’t because I’d generally rather suffer consequences of saying things and knowing whatever than of not saying things”.  This of course is except when it comes to women.  Continue reading

Happy Trails

chicago signI’m in Chicago with my good friend and having a ton of fun and a lot of great conversation.  You know those people in your life that you just have these meandering conversations about everything and nothing?  It’s thought provoking and funny and interesting and sad and healing.  There’s a comfort to people that have known you forever and love you warts and all.  I’m a lucky girl.

One of the most painful parts of this divorce has been this feeling that I am so alone and that I will always be alone, and I’m just not.  It’s absolutely saved my ass that I have the beautiful relationships I have in my life.  I look back over the last six months and see all of these moments where I was loved and held and talked to and listened to and reassured and encouraged.  I see Traveler’s Wife just getting it and cracking me like a walnut, Peaches and I commiserating, Traveler being the poor unfortunate soul who held me while I cried at each of the really bad blows, Cleveland’s sweet face and kind touch, especially after my dog died, Ph.D’s conversations and assurances that as long as he lives I’ll never be totally alone, and my friend here in Chicago knowing Hubby and I so well, having lived with us and having been a friend to both of us for years, asking questions only she would know to ask.  I hate that I have needed every bit of this but I’m so grateful it was there.

My Chicago friend and I have stayed up late and seen little of Chicago, because the flow of words has trapped us in doorways and made us stop in a million places, deep in conversation.  We’ve been catching up and diving a little deep, like we do, and I am having revelations and prompting them in her too by the cart-full.  There’s been a lot of laughter too.  It’s just good.

chicago wreathI’m loving this city and even the cold that is stealing all the moisture from my body.  I feel inspired by all the art and talk and food and life.

I have to admit though, I miss my loves.  I don’t love that all of our travels this month will keep us apart, but I know it’ll be fun to come together and share our stories again.  God I can’t wait.

I’m off to hit a bakery and get a Chicago dog on my way out of town.  Funny that we’re walking and eating our way through this trip.  🙂chicago eataly

Enjoying Myself at "Myself!", the kinky play party

Sweetnesses- If you date or love me or just don’t wanna read about sexy times with others, skip this one.  Muah!

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I attended Myself! for the first time tonight with Boss, on our first ever play date.  I got nervous beforehand and did this thing I often do before a big date.  I didn’t want to go.  It’s not that I actually don’t want to go.  It’s that I get nervous.  It occurs especially when it’s a first time”sexy type” date.  I get all excited and look forward the date, and then all of a sudden it’s here and I feel like there is pressure and I don’t want to go because “What did I do? Setting an expectation for sex!?”.  I’m a weirdo.  I went and was happy to go, but on the way there I was nervous.  I’ve talked to Boss quite a bit though and I knew I actually wanted to go and that whatever happened it’d be a good time.  He seems like a genuinely good person and I’m quite sure it would have been no problem at all if I’d said I didn’t feel like having sex.  Feeling like I could say no at any time conversely made me want to have sex again.  Like I said, I’m a weirdo.

The Myself party is a masturbation-friendly party that has morphed into this really cool party with lots of things and a huge attendance. It may be one of my favorites.  It’s open to members and non-members and it’s relatively cheap, and the atmosphere is pretty hot.  There are rules in place to make people feel safe and it’s more open than most of the parties I’ve been to at the kink club.  Pretty much anything the club allows is allowed and a few things are allowed that seem unique to this party.  First, there are lots of men and lots of men masturbating.  This is not allowed at most parties.  I loved that!  It’s funny how comfortable it made me feel to have men undressed and touching themselves, watching people play.  They were just somehow… more vulnerable or not at all predatory in this way.  They were just appreciators and that was less intimidating.  I really liked it.  It made me very comfortable to be naked and to play around them with them in various stages of undress and/or masturbating.  It appealed to my exhibitionist and voyeur streaks.

Sometimes the men were invited to take part of the festivities or scenes but party-goers didn’t have to have any interaction at all if they didn’t want it.  People playing could wear arm bands that indicated if they wanted to be approached or asked and it seemed people didn’t ask much without the arm band.  There were all kinds of people.. kinky and vanilla, straight and gay and queer young and old and just.. everything.  This too was very comfortable.  There were all kinds of bodies and orientations and such.

ImageIt was pretty damn hot.   There were places in back to play and be watched or interacted with as people chose and places in the midst of the crowd on the main floor to put on a show.  There were chairs to watch different areas and room to mill about and see what struck your fancy.  There was gay and straight porn and plenty of supplies to be safe and contain messes if you made any.

Boss and I said greetings to various people and then sat off to the side for a bit.  We wandered the back room and the main floor and took in the sights and settled into conversation in our corner.  At one point I laughed that we were talking about such everyday stuff while a couple writhed naked 5 feet from us and there were people watching and fucking and masturbating and spanking all around us.  We went in back again after a bit and watched a lovely girl in bliss with a few men just touching her and Boss and I went around to the other side.  He asked if I’d like to get up into the swing.  Clothed, I did.

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