Sometimes a thing just resonates with you, like a sounding rod, like a shot right to the core. It’s the weirdest thing, but I am there with Lemonade, by Beyonce. It’s her new visual album. I watched it the other night when I desperately needed a break from school and zing.. it just struck a cord. I can’t stop thinking about the ideas and the things in it. It stirred up some shit in me.
The other night I just kept thinking about lies and lying and the dishonesty with those we love. I thought about my mother’s lies, the root of my hatred of lies. I thought about lovers and friends and my chosen family and the lies. I keep thinking about other things in the video. I thought about love and redemption and trust and healing. She just went there, like for real. And she came out of it too, and I thought of my own times recently when I’m remembering who I am. I’m remembering what I am. I got a little lost there for a while, hurting, healing, reeling maybe. But I’m not that girl. I stayed there a long time maybe, but I can’t live in self pity or fear. I’m not that girl.
I am my father’s daughter. I am resilient and forgiving and strong and tenacious. I feel deeply and widely and strongly but never easily. I don’t like being vulnerable, but I’m learning to be okay with my capacity to do so.
It still bothers me, this way I need people. But I know that the fact this bothers me is the real bother. People need people and I am not immune. It’s the weird thing about vulnerablity being a strength. My love can wear it down. I’m remembering that I love me too, just not more than I love you. I am remembering that I make plans and dream and actually make some of it happen. I’m remembering that there is a long line of times in this world that you love someone as trully as you can and maybe they just can’t go there. But it says nothing about you. It’s about them. And no.. this isn’t remotely about Traveler.
Traveler can go there. He’s learned to speak and I’m learning to listen more and more and more. He says the stuff because I love it, but I’m seeing it too.
And family.. well.. that one’s hard. but isn’t it always? Family is loving people beyond the parts of them that make you crazy. I chose my family, but that doesn’t mean they don’t make me nuts. Love them anyway.
I don’t know. I just feel a lot of things popping up to the surface that have maybe been down under the waves for a while. I feel myself rising to the shimmering surface there. I can see the bubbles and feel the pressure of my breath held so long, but I feel it faster and faster.. I’m coming up.