I Don't Know

There are so many things that I don’t know.  I know I had an insanely hot loving close intimate fun weekend.  There were trips to the sex shop for more gear, delicious breakfast casseroles and cookouts, leather cuffs, so much snuggling, petting, great talks about everything, beautiful nights, insanely hot times with just Traveler and I, and then Traveler and I and our new friend Yarn Hooker, and with a new guy I haven’t named yet.  There was wine tasting and homemade pie, games with friends, old friends playing putt putt and laughing over pizza, and a lazy morning just like we like.  There was something in the air this weekend!  I will be enjoying memories of this weekend for some time to come.

tarot cardsAnd my friend sent me messages yesterday, expressing joy at his partner finding a great new prospect and a tiny bit of trepidation.  What if she likes him better?  What if she only needs the new man?  What if he makes her forget my friend?  He went online to read blogs and found some, all ending with divorce.  Not very encouraging.

I told him honestly that sometimes this life is bitter hard. Relationships USUALLY end before death.  This is true in monogamy and in polyamory and in every other kind of ‘amory too.  How many people do you know that are blissfully coupled with the only person they’ve ever loved and they’ve been together and close and happy for life?  Chances are if you are lucky you can name maybe 5 couples.  That’s 5 couples out of the hundreds or thousands of couples you have known.  It’s not like monogamous relationships are paragons of stability either.  But with the fluid nature of open relationship networks, things do have more opportunity for change, and that really points out the unstable nature of romantic relationships. Continue reading

I Admit I'm a Bad Poly Sometimes

Alright.  I admit it.

I just read a blog post by Ginger at Poly Nirvana, called Pout.  It’s here.

She’s talking about her “less than perfect” poly feelings as her love is dating and with this other new girl.  She was sort of sharing and admonishing herself and owning up to her stuff.  That’s always kinda rad.  I am a huge believer that what comes from the heart reaches the heart, and such honest sharing is so useful.  When we pour that stuff out people can relate to it.  It’s human.  And of course, it got me thinking.

tiny home in a clearing made of stone and wood

tiny home in a clearing made of stone and wood

It’s not a pressing matter this second, but I’ve been working on preparing for Traveler to find and date and be with others again.  As far as I know he’s not madly searching for new connections, but I know he’s open to the idea and I think he’d like it.  We talked about it a couple of times and I flipped out about it…twice, sadly.  (I despise that by the way).  Traveler has always been unflinchingly supportive of my dating and sexy exploits and whatever.  He trusts me and supports me, and it’s beautiful.  I want to give him that.  Sometimes I do give him that.  He’s so beautiful, so kind, so sweet and passionate and loving, and he has a special gift for loving that honestly I don’t think it would be right to jealously guard it.  I love him loving his wife and I used to love him loving Peaches.  And it’s a precious thing, to love someone so much that their happiness fills you with joy.  He talks about Quinky Girl sometimes and I just overflow.  He SHOULD have that and she should too.  It’s beautiful.  I love that my love for him includes that.  I love that my love for her does too.  It feels very right.  I feel the same about Cleveland and his wife.  I love my men in part because they are good men that know how to love.

But wives don’t scare me in the same way. Continue reading

Relief!

There is an end in sight.  I will not need surgery they think, and they didn’t mess me up by not having fiberglass casting material, and it’s not in the Jones region as had been predicted, so it should heal pretty well.  Yay!!!

It’s still 4 more weeks of no weight bearing, but that beats the heck outta surgery.

And I’m having fun flirting with a new dude.  We’ll see rabbit.  We’ll see.  So often these things pan into nothing but there is a shocking large amount of overlapping interest.. so I kinda hope it does come to fruition.  He’s dragging his feet a little, balking that I told him my foot is broken I think.. or maybe something else.  He’s cagey and I don’t have it figured out yet.  Eh.  What can you do?  I’m enjoying the flirting.  It’s so much fun to imagine.

Woke up the Ol' Dating Profile

beeI woke up my dating profile.  I added pics and changed stuff and posted it greatly anew.  It had been about 2 years since I’d edited it and it seemed like time.  I promptly met a cute guy.  Yay.  We talked.  Double yay.  He messaged ME, and we chatted online in the little OKC chat thing and decided we should talk again and maybe meet and exchanged text numbers.  Happy littlte jig.  He texted me the next day and asked me to meet him and we chatted via text a bit more.  Cool.  We set up a day and I didn’t hear anything until a day or two before the meeting saying he needed to reschedule because he’d forgotten about a friend visiting and plans he had to spend time with them.  That’s fine.  It happens.

I texted him a day or two later.  Nothing.

About 4 or 5 days later he texts that he might be free on next Tuesday but he won’t know until last minute, but next Thursday looks even better.  I reply that next Thursday could be good, and let’s chat and make plans before then.

Thursday (today) he pops and says “Hey.  LIfe’s been a busy thing, but I’m open for this evening.  How about you?”

I say “Oh sorry.  I didn’t hear back and made other plans. We seem to be missing each other communication-wise”.  I add in a following message “I’m interested if you’d like to talk a bit and reschedule.  Obviously if our schedules just don’t align to talk much, that likely wouldn’t work.  But we could give it a shot in the next week and see if it was just a fluke.”

bee 4He responds that he didn’t think I would expect to hear back from him.  He says he saw that I said I’d be interested in talking before meeting but he didn’t think that was the expectation.  And he adds that he is a busy grad student and he gets home late and crashes out only to wake up and do it again, without time for texting and chatting. He says this is why he doesn’t want a complicated long-term relationship right now and he can’t have people demanding more than he can reasonably give.  “So no offense intended by not chatting with you since Monday night (it’s a weed later Thursday), but if not chatting for a few little days at a time would be a problem I’d likely disappoint”.  Continue reading

No In-Between

I feel funny writing this, but I know more of what I want.  As we grow and have experiences and do stuff, we learn ourselves better hopefully.  And I made an interesting discovery.  I don’t like the in-between.  

I like casual sex.  I like fucking and fun and kinky play partners and FWB’s, even if I don’t often have any of these things.  But even then, I like to be friends.  I have to like you to fuck you. Novel damn concept, no?  I like to like the people I hang with in really any capacity and that includes people I have naked fun with.  I don’t like counting the minutes until you finally fucking get naked.  Cool.  I figured this out a while ago.

Julia Fullerton-Batten's "In Between".  The sketch of a layout for a beautiful photograph of a woman falling in a bedroom, caught ethereally mid-air

Julia Fullerton-Batten’s “In Between”. The sketch of a layout for a beautiful photograph of a woman falling in a bedroom, caught ethereally mid-air

I like love.  I like trust and connection and chemistry and understanding. I like really communicating and sharing life with those I love.  I dream, and finally admit it fully, that I want to share my life with the people I love.  I want to run errands and do activities and have hobbies and curl up in the middle of the night and sleep twined with you.  I want to fuck you silly and observe traditions and make new ones with my big loves.  I want to build things together and teach each other stuff.  I want to laugh and I don’t really want to cry, but if we do, I want to do it with you.  I want to be that person you cling to when it all falls apart.  I want to be that for you.  I want you to be the person I run to tell things to because I can’t wait to see your joy or get your counsel.  I want to love the people that you love and support them too.  I want to collaborate in love and share love and I want to be a big mushy mush ball in a little family of mushes like me.  I want it deep and strong.  

What I don’t want is in-between.  That sometimes happens on its own, and maybe that’s fulfilling when it does because it’s what works for us, but I don’t want to seek out life in a little box. Continue reading

Anticipa… … tion.

The first kiss.  Delicious.

first kissI’m excited and looking forward to seeing the new guy again.  We’ve had only the one date, and oodles and oodles of conversation about all sorts of things that has left me, well, on a simmer.  I joked with him that I wasn’t sure I liked him and I need to kiss him again, for science.  I joked about a kink checklist and it turned into an actual talk.  It was a bit of a negotiation, and yeah, nerd that I am I coughed up a checklist I’d gotten a long long time ago and not yet used.  It was a kink checklist.  It’s not totally comprehensive, because how could anything be that wasn’t a freaking novel.  I mean there are kinks for EVERYTHING.  But it’s pretty good. 

So we filled them out and exchanged them and talked about things that interest us.  We have some lovely overlapping interests.  God I love it when a plan comes together.

first kiss3So my current plan has been to hold off a teeny bit before the naughty sexy bits, so we can get to know each other a little before sex complicates the picture.  Too late.  I want to jump him so fucking badly.  I keep telling him I am promising nothing on our next date (not because he’s pushing.. just to be clear).  And I really am not promising anything.  But I’m not sure he’s the one I need to worry about.  I am pretty sure I’m the weakest link.

I have to admit I love it when I’m like this.  I love the thrill and anticipation of a new potential lover.  I love how many times a day I think naughty naughty stuff about them.  I love how much it sparks my already purring engine.  I love the wriggling in my office chair and the little fantasies I have about what might be there or what might happen.  I love not knowing.  This is so much fun. 

first kiss 4One of the many many gifts of open relationships is the potential for this newness and this giddy glee.  First kisses!  Oh how I love first kisses, especially with that spark of chemistry.  Discovering each others bodies and minds and desires, and exploring!  Finding new ways to connect or to be passionate.  When I was monogamously married I thought my days of firsts were done.  What a sweet gift firsts are to have again!  Booya.

first kiss2

Trusting Enough to Take a Risk

So, I’ve been doing some writing and thinking and such about fear. I posted the other day about a fear eruption I’d had. I’m not sitting and stewing and living in fear, and I’ve actually still been enjoying the happiness of a week vacation with my sweet Traveler, but my fear boiled over twice now, and the strength and content of my reaction told me this was in large part about something else and I have work to do.

No, I’m not fucking crazy about the idea of Traveler dating again. I have good and bad reasons for this. I feel like he is a busy guy that can barely keep up with his current investments. He works a fucking lot. A lot lot. As it is with me seeing him twice a week now some of our dates are spent with him working. He doesn’t have time to have two full nights a week with me without doing work. He’s kinda important, you know? So, we get also a little extra time here and there.. maybe once a week sometimes, dinners after working in the yard, or an hour or two of WoW playing here and there while Quinky Girl works late or something, or talking as we clean the kitchen. It’s nice. I like this time filling of my “family battery”. We tend to get at least one date a week and some time on the second one with face-to-face interacting alone time and stuff like kissing and snuggling and fucking and talking, and that fills my “romantic battery”. I’m very happy with the amount of time and activities we currently have and I don’t want to actually lose it. I think that’s reasonable.

He can’t really afford to take the time from Quinky Girl either I don’t think. They see each other a lot, obviously living together and all, but most of their time is spent doing the business of living, like most people. Of course I assume they kiss and snuggle and have good moments even on those days when they are dealing with receipts and grocery shopping and working in the yard and planning their kitchen or whatever, but they have limited face-to-face time and I think she has a “romance battery” and “family battery” like I do too.

a love battery on hot pink from http://4.bp.blogspot.com

a love battery on hot pink from http://4.bp.blogspot.com

But.. this isn’t my choice to make. I can have this opinion all I want, but in the end Traveler will decide how he will spend his time and what matters to him and what he’ll invest in. If he wants to spend time he spends with me with someone else, I can’t fight that. I don’t think that is his plan, and I hope it doesn’t work out that way, but people do choose what matters with the choices they make about how they spend their time. Maybe he’ll choose to get a gardener and spend his time in the yard dating instead. Maybe he’ll get more efficient at paying bills and grocery shopping and cleaning and managing investments and organizing and all those little things people do and he’ll spend THAT time dating and not in separate-togetherness with Quinky Girl. Maybe he’ll spend the time he spends with Quinky Girl dating instead. I freaking hope not. Maybe he’ll stop taking all of his ski-trips and boy’s weekends and holiday-party-trips and family-trips and people coming-to-Seattle-time and spend all of that time dating. Shit, maybe he’ll learn to just sleep a whole lot less and date a night owl. Maybe he’ll find a girl to fuck only when he visits a job site he goes to every other month or so. I don’t know.

I can talk about my concerns rationally and reasonably or talk about what I feel, but in the end, I give him the freedom that he gives me. He can date or fuck or whatever anybody he wants. I might ask him not to fuck certain people if there are compelling reasons to do so, and he can choose to honor my request or not, and I can ask him for what I need for our relationship, but I might not always get it and there may be consequences associated with any action. That’s the way the world works. I don’t need to make rules with him, even if I could or wanted to. There are consequences for every action and I have to talk to him about all of this and then trust him to make the right decisions for himself. I make the decisions for me, and I choose him, but I don’t have to any more than he has to choose me. I hope he’ll consider me and Quinky Girl, and his friendships and his daily life stuff and his family and find a way to meet his needs and be happy too. If he chooses things that cost him our relationship and knowingly chooses them, well… them’s the breaks. Right? Continue reading