Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

Where I'm Standing

I’m in the last week of my first quarter of grad school and I’ll warn you that I don’t have the bandwidth to edit this much, and probably shouldn’t even write it.  School is owning my reading and writing these days.  But I need to put stuff somewhere and get to bed.

I’ve felt wrung out much of the last few weeks, looking at the injustices and evil of things and learning so much about all the stuff I didn’t know and knowing I’ll never stop learning.  We got it wrong.

And I’m stressed and tired and a little too emotional because I don’t have the reserves now that I did.  It’s easy to boil over and sob in my car because I promised myself in the coffee shop that I’d cry about this stuff later.

And I thought it’d be nice to look a teeny bit at finding a friend for sexy fun times.  This was a HUGE error in judgement.  I woke up my OkCupid profile and my AFF and whatever else and met a sea of sickness.  Misogyny and entitlement and waves of bullshit meet you if you admit you’d maybe like a lower stress sexy fun friendship with someone.  No matter what I actually say there is a SEA of dudes that evidently see this as an open invite to cut and paste whatever horror they like to send women, complete with the 57000 dick pics they all have laying around for unsolicited viewing.  And they’re mad because this isn’t working.  “Why are those bitches on the internet who say they wanna fuck being such cunts about it?  They write articles about the terrible oppression of men dating online. Continue reading

Bookends

I started out this morning happy and languid and in love.  I snuggled further into his arms and kissed his neck and his chest and ran my hands on his skin, earning the soft groan I love.  He was sleepy and I wasn’t awake yet either, and he was so warm and snuggly.  I ran my hands over his back, his bottom, his legs, petting his soft skin.  I touched him lightly and massaged him and he kissed me and pulled me tighter to him, petted my back, dozed.  After a long time petting we checked the clock.

Mmm.. there is time for eggs, love.  Or there is time for.. hmmmm.  I ran my hands over his naked body and cocked my pelvis against him.  He laughed with a little delight and pretended to think about it as I rolled him to his back and slid down his body.  We took our time.

Then tonight I met a man I’d met on OK Cupid.  He was pretty cute, but I’d like our conversation more and was happy that seemed the same in person.   Continue reading

Really? Really?

Ugh.  Dating is the fucking worst sometimes, isn’t it?

dating

I am feeling disheartened.  I really am.

I talked with this guy last night and had all this clicking all over the place.  He is smart and interesting and a good conversationalist.  I put out feelers for a nice casual friend for some adventures.

We talked late.  We talked so late I was late on a paper.  He just seemed.. kinda great.

So today we talked about meeting for a drink.  He was willing to come by my house and I made sure that he understood meeting by my apartment would not mean that there would be any sex, and that I hoped we’d have a drink and talk.

Hours of conversation.. all that talking about all kinds of things last night and this morning and then he cools.  He isn’t so into meeting.  I ask him about it and he says he’d rather not meet for a drink, and asks to meet at my place or his.  I say we don’t have to meet for a drink.  A coffee or a walk or a yogurt or something are fine.

More foot dragging.  Talk about it again and he explains that if I’m uncomfortable we can meet in public, but he’s met people from online before without the meet and greet and it was fun for all and not all about the sex.

I tell him I understand that not everyone does things the way I do, but I would like to meet and just talk without expectation.  When I have met people from online I had oodles of sexy talk with, often the click isn’t there and for me sometimes that is because I feel like there is an obligation or expectation and it’s just better for me and sexier to meet without expectation and let things take their course.dating2

He was rather petulant about it, and we thanked each other for the time.  Just like that.

So odd.  Why would you talk to a woman for hours and hours and then refuse to meet her for a drink if she would not promise sex immediately?   Wouldn’t it have just been smart to go, have a drink, chit chat and end the meeting with a kiss and maybe plans to play next time?  In the best case scenario you meet just for a drink, hit it off and end up together that night, right?  So weird.

What the fuck dating world?

I think I’m going to take up knitting or something instead or join a cribbage league or something.

You and I both know I’ll change my mind.  But right now I’m thinking.. fuck dating.  What a bunch of bullshit.

 

cat lady

Dating isn't for Sissies..

As Quinky Girl and I begin to date anew, and as I read posts on the board for people dating on OKC, I find again that dating isn’t for sissies.

from onlinedatingmagazine.com

from onlinedatingmagazine.com

Guys talk about sending out messages by the boat-full and hearing silence.  Women are beaten by messages demanding things, insulting, cat-fishing, and basically just yelling “LOOK AT MY DICK!  LET ME PUT IT PLACES!!!”

Everyone is asking, “Does it really have to be this hard?”.  I see that time and again in the craigslist postings and the Adult Friend Finder profiles and the OKC profiles and messages.  Women make laundry lists of rules trying to weed out the obnoxious shit we get and men sound a little panicked that nobody seems to want to engage them, much less ride them.

Then you meet someone interesting.

Continue reading