It’s Complicated

It’s always complicated. Isn’t it?

What is this thing between us? How many millions of ways do we ask this? Does he like me? What does she want? What is happening here? There really aren’t enough words and there are far too many.

 

  • friends with benefits
  • husband
  • friend
  • metamours
  • lovers
  • vixen
  • stag
  • cuckold
  • Dom
  • ex
  • boyfriend
  • unicorn
  • fuck buddy
  • paramour
  • sister wife
  • beau
  • fiance
  • significant other
  • bull
  • cuckquean
  • partner
  • primary
  • side chick
  • play partner
  • protector
  • swing circle
  • knight
  • special friend
  • anchor
  • secondary
  • great love
  • main squeeze
  • baby daddy
  • sugar daddy
  • Dom Daddy
  • baby mama
  • boytoy
  • little
  • my little secret
  • beard

Just scratching the surface really.

 

 

Disgruntled

Okay.. you guys have heard me bitch about this a million times, so I’ll TRY to keep this brief.

Sometimes things in open relationships chap my ass. I’m not the only one who gets a chapped ass, which I understand. The live in partner gets an ass chapping about all of their time being chore time. And the person with people pulling on their time gets a chapped ass because where is there “me time”, and how can they possibly please everyone? And the person at the disadvantage gets a chapped ass because they have to have all these little unfairnesses and the disadvantage sucks after a while. It’s life. The world is full of ways to get butt hurt. But dammit.. my ass is chapped now, so let’s look at a way to be a little less chappy, eh?

  1. Don’t put shit on the calendar for other people without asking them. You don’t own your partners and they are managing their own time, hopefully. (Exception.. if you have children and the children need their parents, then it’s perfectly normal to put that right on the calendar without asking and tell your co-parent what you scheduled so they are aware.)
  2. Don’t have to have the most. Especially don’t have to have the most all the time. I’m not saying you can’t HAVE the most.. but don’t HAVE TO HAVE the most all the time. It’s sucks.
  3. Other people are humans and are worthwhile and just as important as you. We might all have different kinds of relationships and different responsibilities and levels of commitment, and things might not be “fair”, but all the humans in these systems matter and should have consideration.
  4. Don’t cancel on one person for another. I mean it. Really really really try to NEVER cancel on a partner, especially for another.
  5. Don’t eat into your partner’s time with their other plans. Save your talks and snuggles and fights and catching up for your days. A quick message or text isn’t a huge deal, but let them have their time if they have time with others. Don’t make them leave later so you can catch up or leave their plans early if you don’t actually really and truly need them.Everyone’s time is important.
  6. Don’t lie. It comes out a lot and is hurtful in all situations, but when your commitment is trust, rather than sexual fidelity, and you break that, it’s damaging and hurtful to a higher degree. Don’t lie.
  7. Keep your agreements. If they don’t work for some reason then talk about that, but if you have an agreement, honor it until you change it with whoever you have the agreement with.  Seriously.. things change and are different in the moment sometimes and you need to renegotiate. But until you do renegotiate, keep your agreements.
  8. Be in the moment, enjoying the person you are with. Don’t be at a club having sex with one person with your head on a swivel for what else there is. Don’t be all cagey to make plans in case better things come up later. Don’t make people your fall back positions. People aren’t filler. Even if you are only with a person for a very specific casual sex act and will never see them again, honor the time you have together and BE THERE.

That’s good enough for the moment I guess… but what would you add? Any good ways to avoid chapping asses?

Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

In the End

I love spending time with Cleveland.  I love our communication and humor and affection and sex.  I love the ridiculously excellent way our chemistry works. It’s honestly rarefied stuff to me.

But.

I love him.  I love spending time with him and our little projects and podcasting and all of it.

But.

restrictionsI am always spitting out my horse’s bit.  I rankle at it.  I hate my limits.  I accept them and rail against them and become resigned.  He leaves after a beautiful date, cooking together and snuggling and hot delicious sex and warm conversation and fiery passion.  He gets up and he goes home.  I long ago got used to him leaving and it honestly isn’t that bad. Sometimes I LIKE that I get to curl up in my bed by myself  and watch a little something as I drift off to sleep.

But I hate that it’s pretty much never an option for him to stay in my bed.  I hate that on our last date he was so tired and we were so warm and comfortable and comforting and he had to go.  It’s just how things are.  I hate that he had to leave my arms to go shower all traces of me away and crawl into his bed.  Every single night.  But it’s not really the overnight lack that rankles.  It is, but it isn’t.  It’s that no matter what happens.. no matter what we feel or how things are it will always be in this little box.

I’m sad for the limits.  I’m sad for everything that could be and won’t.  I’m sad for this little box.  It is what it is and I accept it for exactly what it is, and I love him.  I have a choice and I choose this.  In the end, it just makes me a little sad sometimes.

Fuzzy Landmines and Invisible Fences. Damn. Thanks Aggie and Minx.

Sometimes things are really uncomfortable to read or to hear because I really need to read or hear them.  The truth about a thing I’m not proud of makes me cringe.  This happened this week.  I’ve been doing some work on some insecurities and jealousies and judgements of my own and I came across Aggie’s post on Solopoly.net, titled “Entering an Existing Relationship.  What’s the Problem?”.  You can find that here.  It’s pretty fucking brilliant and I recommend it to any non-monogamous person. Then I heard Minx’s podcast about it at PolyamoryWeekly.net, Episode 401 “Fuzzy Landmines”.  You can find that here.

Dammit.

cute felt bombs found at www.kotaku.jp.

cute felt bombs found at http://www.kotaku.jp.

This first example.. yeah.. it hits really close to home.

EXAMPLE: Joe requires his wife Sarah to spend every weekend with him (and no other partner) as a symbol of his primary rank in her life. Joe and Sarah realize that admitting this to anyone, including potential partners, would highlight Joe’s insecurity, which would embarrass both Sarah and Joe.

So Sarah claims to be flexible about her time, but then avoids makings weekend dates with her boyfriend Sam. Rather than explain the true reason, Sarah always has an excuse ready when Sam asks or complains about this pattern. Or she tries to dismiss each instance as isolated and “not a big deal.” Such diversion cuts off opportunities for the three of them to explore options to collaboratively resolve the underlying issue of Joe’s insecurity and possessiveness.

Since Sam has a demanding weekday job, this time restriction significantly limits how his relationship with Sarah can develop. Eventually he breaks up with Sarah in angry, bitter frustration.

I’ve been here so many times this past year.  Cleveland I have been working out some of our stuff, which mostly stems from my frustration at the limits of our relationship.  We’ve talked about it now a few times, and he’s been a LOT more accessible and I’ve been pretty happy about that overall.  We’ve had more time for relating.. more dates with things like trivia and trips to Ikea and watching a show.  We’ve had time to do more than fuck and that’s really been pretty awesome.  I hated bringing up at all with him that I’d been so unhappy with our once a week dinner and a fuck.  And I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass and I wanted to be very sensitive to his situation.  I don’t want to be too demanding.   Continue reading

No In-Between

I feel funny writing this, but I know more of what I want.  As we grow and have experiences and do stuff, we learn ourselves better hopefully.  And I made an interesting discovery.  I don’t like the in-between.  

I like casual sex.  I like fucking and fun and kinky play partners and FWB’s, even if I don’t often have any of these things.  But even then, I like to be friends.  I have to like you to fuck you. Novel damn concept, no?  I like to like the people I hang with in really any capacity and that includes people I have naked fun with.  I don’t like counting the minutes until you finally fucking get naked.  Cool.  I figured this out a while ago.

Julia Fullerton-Batten's "In Between".  The sketch of a layout for a beautiful photograph of a woman falling in a bedroom, caught ethereally mid-air

Julia Fullerton-Batten’s “In Between”. The sketch of a layout for a beautiful photograph of a woman falling in a bedroom, caught ethereally mid-air

I like love.  I like trust and connection and chemistry and understanding. I like really communicating and sharing life with those I love.  I dream, and finally admit it fully, that I want to share my life with the people I love.  I want to run errands and do activities and have hobbies and curl up in the middle of the night and sleep twined with you.  I want to fuck you silly and observe traditions and make new ones with my big loves.  I want to build things together and teach each other stuff.  I want to laugh and I don’t really want to cry, but if we do, I want to do it with you.  I want to be that person you cling to when it all falls apart.  I want to be that for you.  I want you to be the person I run to tell things to because I can’t wait to see your joy or get your counsel.  I want to love the people that you love and support them too.  I want to collaborate in love and share love and I want to be a big mushy mush ball in a little family of mushes like me.  I want it deep and strong.  

What I don’t want is in-between.  That sometimes happens on its own, and maybe that’s fulfilling when it does because it’s what works for us, but I don’t want to seek out life in a little box. Continue reading

Anticipa… … tion.

The first kiss.  Delicious.

first kissI’m excited and looking forward to seeing the new guy again.  We’ve had only the one date, and oodles and oodles of conversation about all sorts of things that has left me, well, on a simmer.  I joked with him that I wasn’t sure I liked him and I need to kiss him again, for science.  I joked about a kink checklist and it turned into an actual talk.  It was a bit of a negotiation, and yeah, nerd that I am I coughed up a checklist I’d gotten a long long time ago and not yet used.  It was a kink checklist.  It’s not totally comprehensive, because how could anything be that wasn’t a freaking novel.  I mean there are kinks for EVERYTHING.  But it’s pretty good. 

So we filled them out and exchanged them and talked about things that interest us.  We have some lovely overlapping interests.  God I love it when a plan comes together.

first kiss3So my current plan has been to hold off a teeny bit before the naughty sexy bits, so we can get to know each other a little before sex complicates the picture.  Too late.  I want to jump him so fucking badly.  I keep telling him I am promising nothing on our next date (not because he’s pushing.. just to be clear).  And I really am not promising anything.  But I’m not sure he’s the one I need to worry about.  I am pretty sure I’m the weakest link.

I have to admit I love it when I’m like this.  I love the thrill and anticipation of a new potential lover.  I love how many times a day I think naughty naughty stuff about them.  I love how much it sparks my already purring engine.  I love the wriggling in my office chair and the little fantasies I have about what might be there or what might happen.  I love not knowing.  This is so much fun. 

first kiss 4One of the many many gifts of open relationships is the potential for this newness and this giddy glee.  First kisses!  Oh how I love first kisses, especially with that spark of chemistry.  Discovering each others bodies and minds and desires, and exploring!  Finding new ways to connect or to be passionate.  When I was monogamously married I thought my days of firsts were done.  What a sweet gift firsts are to have again!  Booya.

first kiss2