Bookends

I started out this morning happy and languid and in love.  I snuggled further into his arms and kissed his neck and his chest and ran my hands on his skin, earning the soft groan I love.  He was sleepy and I wasn’t awake yet either, and he was so warm and snuggly.  I ran my hands over his back, his bottom, his legs, petting his soft skin.  I touched him lightly and massaged him and he kissed me and pulled me tighter to him, petted my back, dozed.  After a long time petting we checked the clock.

Mmm.. there is time for eggs, love.  Or there is time for.. hmmmm.  I ran my hands over his naked body and cocked my pelvis against him.  He laughed with a little delight and pretended to think about it as I rolled him to his back and slid down his body.  We took our time.

Then tonight I met a man I’d met on OK Cupid.  He was pretty cute, but I’d like our conversation more and was happy that seemed the same in person.   Continue reading

Skiing with Prejudice but not with Malice

I have a bunch of rants in my head about things but one that just came up.

I was riding in the car with Traveler to do some Christmas shopping and we were talking about scheduling.  I ask, “Oh yeah.. when is the Utah ski trip by the way?”.  He says “Well.. it’s Super Bowl weekend, so normally I’d be coming back Sunday night, but I think I’m going to stay Sunday night because of the Super Bowl, you know, to watch it there”.  Hmm.. all *I statements*.

“Has it turned into a boys only thing?”.

“No. A lot of people are going.”

“Is it just the guys though?”

“No…Quinky Girl is coming.”

Oh.

lego ski couple

lego ski couple from http://jestergoblin.com

He was puzzled.  I said, “Um.  I was invited to that.  We were all talking about going. Remember.  You said it would be fun if we all went, when your friends were here.  You asked me in the Irish place if I would come and I said I would.  And we told your other friend, when we were in Portland, that we’d see her on the ski trip. I thought.. I thought I was still going.  Am I not going?”

Silence.  “I’m sorry.  There will be some work people there I’m not out to yet. So, I’m only taking Quinky Girl.”

Bright smile.  “Oh.  Sure!  No problem”. Brittle laugh. Continue reading

Seasons

handsSo I haven’t written much because I was processing stuff internally and because I don’t like to communicate via blog.  Cleveland doesn’t read this a lot, but still.

I think we are breaking up.  I said I’d sleep on it, and I will.

It’s hard and shitty and sad. And I’m not sure.  But it’s been a long time coming.  We started to get frustrated talking and decided to sleep on it.  It’s murky.  I know I love him.  I know that I love spending time with him and talking to him and doing things with him and fucking him.  I know I love his sweetness and his intelligence and his lovely dirty mind.  I love podcasting and talking about bloggy things.  I love how good he is at so many things.  And I love his interests.  I’d like to have him in my life.

But I can’t keep doing this.  And I feel TERRIBLE for it.  But it is simply the truth.  This hurts too much.  We don’t really have the room to have a relationship and it just doesn’t work.  I want it to, but it doesn’t.  We’ve had this talk before and I asked for things, the bare minimums for what I thought I needed.

Continue reading