Home Again

Traveler and I just got home from a week away, and what a week!  I think I fell even more in love with him.

We spent a week together in Vancouver Island in British Columbia.  It was wonderful. We hiked and walked and ate great meals and did sea kayaking.  We had morning and afternoon and evening kisses and snuggles and hot passionate sex. We had connected sex and sweet sex and close gasping, can’t stop kissing, locked eyes, grasping, aching, delicious sex.  Almost four years in and I fall fall fall.  God yes.  We’ve never spent a week together before, just us, and it was glorious.

hello bc vancouver islandWe talked and talked and joked and laughed and kissed and snuggled and just had the best time.  It was easy and fun.

And honestly it was hard to come home.  We daydreamed about the cafe we’d open in Hawaii or the bed and breakfast we’d run like the one we stayed in.  We dreamed about the vacation home we’d build together and the little country house we’d live in.  It’s idle dreams that we both know won’t happen.  We love Quinky, and our jobs and our friends, and our lives.  But there was something special about this dreaming o me.  It’s special because it isn’t real.  It won’t hurt anyone or change our lives. It’s just the admission that in a perfect world made of magic we’d get to be together like this all the time.  It’s only the admission that this love is a great love too.

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Away From it All

I’m packing and running around for a week long trip to Vancouver island with Traveler. I can’t wait!

A week. We are spending a whole week together. And the best part is that most of the time we won’t have wifi. This means he can’t work a bunch of it like his work always wants to make him. I’m not deluded. I’m sure he’ll work some, but a lot of it, he can’t. Heaven.

We will check in with Quinky as we are able, because of course we’ll miss her, but other than that and maybe a tiny bit of work Traveler is roped into, we will just be together.

We planned a canoe trip and a caving adventure, and I’m going to take him to a taxidermy store. We will have a couple of fancy dinners, and try some yummy beer and get a nanaimo bar too. We’ll hike and hit the hot tub, and be in nature, and enjoy board games with our wine. We’re planning sand castles and a sexy adventure too. God, I’m excited!!!

Back to packing!

Making Time

Poly people are busy, yo.  Heh.  Like you didn’t know that.  Sometimes things become a colorful mess on Google Calendar, and then what do you do?

Poly people are even busier when they are in grad school and when they are working nearly 60 hours a week and when they are doing renovations.  I’m sure that holds for “when they are parents” and “When they are care taking for loved ones” and a host of other things.

la petit mort 4

La Petit Mort Ballet via Tumbler

My poor Traveler has had to work like a mad man.  He was out of town.   Then on our date when he got home he fell asleep at 830pm.  We went to dinner and came home and he passed out.. just like that.  A quickie before renovations and the big game. The SuperBowl we all got to spend together, a few hours with Quinky Girl for him, and he had to work till 1030 and we snuggled and slept.  Then our next date he had to take off work for something Quinky needed for the renovation and he had to work all night to make it up.  Then again, he got off early for reno and had to work all night on our date.  Basically I’ve fed him, burped him, and put him to bed on every date we’ve had for two weeks.  (Okay.. minus the burping). Then finally a Saturday night, but we spent it at Quinky Girl’s boyfriend’s party and again.. asleep.  Thank god we love getting all wrapped up and snuggly in our sleep!

Let’s not even mention that two of those working and sleep dates I was working on deadlines too or that the working dates generally started about 2 hours before bed.  Poor Traveler was EXHAUSTED and just fraught.  I tried to soothe him and make it as nice as possible.  What can you do?  Sometimes life is crazy.  The only time we were alone and he wasn’t working we spent doing demo, and that was an amazing godsend.  It felt good to connect with him.

la petit mort Texas

La Petit Mort Texas Ballet

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One Legged Man- Ass Kicking

colors are loaded into a palm of a hand for Holi

colors are loaded into a palm of a hand for Holi

Holy fuck-balls people.  I overbooked myself.  My loves are overbooked.  My calendar looks like a sidewalk after an Indian Holi celebration (where they throw all the colors).  Traveler and I haven’t had a regular weekend date in a month.  And I’m not even getting the short end of the stick!  He and Quinky Girl are in a similar boat for the most part.

But seriously.  We haven’t had anything like dinner, an evening, and breakfast in a month.  We spent some time together on Sunday and it was the first day we’ve had in a long long time where we were just together, and even that we spent it working.  It was so fucking nice just to sit on a couch with him.

We’re seeing each other, sometimes 3 days a week.  But it’s including a lot of parties, Burning Man events, yard work, potlucks, group things and all-together-get-togethers.  If we didn’t all eat breakfast together sometimes neither Quinky or I would eat a breakfast with him each week.  Often we are cramming a bagel in our mouths as we hit the road.  It’s crazy.   Continue reading

No Tit for Tatty

It’s easy to get panties in a bunch when we are titting-for-tatting or feeling we aren’t getting the whole story.  It’s easy to create a rivalry that doesn’t exist if we make it seem like the unfair or unpleasant things come from someone else.  People start to feel like “hey, wait a minute”.. and our brains work to create problems that don’t exist because we humans are good at finding explanations for our feelings.

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org/blog/k1/uploads/2013/08/tit_for_tat_k0nsl.jpg

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org

For example: If you tell me that you are going out with someone and you are excited and like this and that and expect this to happen, and you go and have a good time and roughly the things you said would happen happen, I feel safe and included and informed and like I’m on the inside.  I am informed and feel no need to guess or create explanations for my feelings of uncertainty.  I know the facts.  I’m good.

If however, you try to spare my feelings by saying you’re going out with this person but you don’t know really if you feel like it and this person isn’t really all that appealing and nothing is gonna happen, and then you go out and things happen and you clearly are pretty nuts about them, I get scared.  You’re managing me.  You’re trying to downplay what you are feeling or what you want and it doesn’t match what you are telling me.  This makes me feel I can’t trust you and I am on the outside.  I feel scared and not included.  My brain works to explain the gap between what I am being told and what I am observing.  I feel unsafe.

Soooo many times when I communicate poorly I do this.  Continue reading

My Familia

Traveler and I had a lovely stay-cation for our anniversary that was briefly interrupted, maybe happily interrupted.  I am a mushy mush ball, but it’s just that I love my family.

family crazy mug shotQuinky Girl was out camping with Jonah and had been called back to work for some work junk. Traveler and I had been to the swing club that night and blissed out on each other and a bit of fun people watching.  We were sitting by the pool watching all the happenings and not really involved much in them, and we were holding hands on the table.  At one point we weren’t even talking, were just petting each other’s hand and lost in a gaze.  I love it when he does that.  And then we kissed.  We’d been kissing on and off all night, but this one was different.  “Mmm.  Let’s get out of here”.  I needed to take him home right then.

We stopped for gas and to use the bathroom, and we were playful, and I love it when we’re like that.  I was thinking of the long night still ahead and the candles and the wine and the music, his skin and his kisses.  I love the simmer.

And I saw I’d missed a call from Quinky Girl.  Oh no.  We weren’t able to take our phones in the club, so I’d missed her call and message.  She was having to come for the night, and she was trying to let us know.  I called her back while Traveler was still pumping the gas and got the skinny from her.  She was saying she’d be fine and she could go stay at Jonah’s house but that she’d have to spend the night in the city and deal with this work stuff.  Of course that wasn’t necessary.  Traveler and I had been at the house, but we could go to my place with no problem. More concerning was this big stressful work thing.  I asked if we could all go have a drink and she could tell us about it and she said to just meet her at the house and she’d make tasty libations.

family centaurTraveler got into the car and I caught him up.  We drove and I caught him up on what little I knew.  We were about 40 minutes away and had some time on the bridge after we’d caught up to chat.  I told him  that I loved this.  He asked what “this” I loved, and I told him I felt really honored and lucky and blessed to feel like I have a family.  I talk about them as my family here and Quinky and I have talked about family, but I haven’t talked much to Traveler about family, aside from saying that I felt he was becoming a part of mine.  I told him I loved that we could do this, could call on each other or offer to be there for each other and that it touched me deeply that we’d be there for all these little  messes and that maybe if there was a big one we’d be there then too.  He said “of course we would”.  He held my hand and said that he loved it too, and how lucky we are.  He asked if I minded a little side trip in our evening and I assured him I didn’t.  I asked if he minded, and he smiled and said he didn’t either.

I think this is rare, to find your people and to feel this sense of belonging and all of these ties.  It touches this deep deep deep ache and need in me and fills me.  I thrive on loving and being loved and on collaborating in love.  It wasn’t that I didn’t mind… it was that I loved being here.  I feel honored.  I loved that she could call and that we’d be there just as I know if of her and Traveler too.  It is continually precious and sweet to have this kind of experience.  This is precious, this moment.  The Greeks believe in a few kinds of love.. eros (passion), philia (mental love-friendship), storge (affection- more like that of a parent for a child or of putting up with something), and agape (love of the spirit-unconditional, familial).  I was thinking how many of these are met here in my familia.

family choke

I know I’ve talked about this a lot, my need and my gratitude, but I feel that like a romantic relationship I fall more and more in love here.  I don’t want to blink or miss a thing.  I want to celebrate each tiny milestone and note every little nuance.  I want to be wholly and fully awake.  This.  Remember this.  So rare and so precious are these salad days.

I take all of these shiny moments and note each one.  Evidence.

She called us.  He gave me a key.  She talked to me about power of attorney and swears she’ll do as I ask.  He said we are lucky.  We all said how rare this is.  We watch football.  I make dinner.  We watched “Meet Me In St. Louis” on the phone together.  I told her about Ohana.  I excavated the stump in his yard.  He helped me spray-paint the decorations on my cabinet.  We cleaned the gutters.  They hold me.  I hold them.  We chat on Google.  She sends me pics.  He shopped for all the things I’d need for my apartment with me.  They asked me to help with their kitchen.  He got the things I needed when I was sick.  I drop off things when they are sick too, salted caramel ice-cream and homemade chicken soup.  I plucked his eyebrows and his ears.  She gave me a flower.  We watch TV.  I tied her corset.  She massaged my aching neck and eased my headache.  They bought a bottle of wine for all of us to drink- next year.  His toiletries are in the medicine cabinet and the shower.  She invites me to Jonah’s parties.  We sit on the porch and we sorted labels after a hard day.  She makes us dinner.  She hugs me.  It’s safe to be in love with her and to tell her, as safe as love ever is anyway.  We want to go to Oregon.  She wishes I was there with his family.  I wish my family would meet her too.  And him.  We plan little things.  He said it made sense for us to grow old together, and even if it’s just a dream it’s a good dream and I love that he shared it.

A long long time ago RollerGirl and I talked about poly relationships as a system of webs.  There are thick and thin silks and the webs are all individual and unique, each relationship it’s own web, and all interconnected and effecting each other.  If you break one of the silks, the connected webs feel it, and thicker strands are felt wider.  Pulling  here pulls there and snapping back shakes the entire web.  And I think that is true.  These connections are silks, so delicate and so strong, and I find myself celebrating every silken strand we make.  family spiderman


Traveler and I Celebrate

Traveler and I have been together two years, as of Saturday.  🙂

image on Beyonce arched upon the sand from http://basketsblanches.com

image on Beyonce arched upon the sand from http://basketsblanches.com

I can’t believe another year has gone by.  We’re actually celebrating next week with a little “stay-cation” extended weekend, but yesterday was the actual day, and we celebrated in our little style.  Heh.  We cleaned gutters.  Relax.. that’s not all.. but hear me a bit on this.

Cleaning gutters with Traveler is fun.  Sure, it’s messy and a little tedious, but how great is it to be with someone that you HAVE FUN with while cleaning gutters?  We found out his cats have been pooping on the roof and were flinging it off of there and STILLLL had a good time.  In fact it was kinda hilarious.  There were many poop jokes.  It was a really shitty job.  Heh.

So after our adventures in roof and gutter cleaning we got dolled up a bit and went to one of the nicest dinners I’ve had in a while.  I was excited to be going out with Traveler.  It was this little tapas joint on a beach nearby and we splurged on a very lovely bottle of wine, a bunch of tiny delicious plates, and just had the nicest and most relaxing time.  I was feeling especially mushy, looking at his sweet face beaming with love there at the table and just told him emphatically, gushing with joy and feeling, “I’m so happy”.  I said so many things with that little statement.  We’d been talking about the kinda state of our union, and we were grinning like idiots, touching, laughing, making yummy noises.  Everything was so good… the food, the delicious wine… the rich fantastic coffee pressed at our table, the homemade baklava… the conversation.  Decadent.  His smile.  His laugh.  His sweet face and warm eyes.  Lovely. *Deep breath*

We kissed on the street and in the car.. passionate.  Warm.  Loving.  Hot.  I wanted him closer.. closer.. inside my body, no skin between us. Continue reading