I asked.

I asked the guy if we’re dating. I’m not sure why it matters, because it’s literally exactly the same whether we are friends who eat and have delicious sex, or if we are dating. But whatever. I’m me. I am queen of just fucking saying it or just fucking asking. I say the awkward things… good, bad and indifferent.

And we are.  He said we’re dating. I’m honestly not sure why, because I intellectually know this means NOTHING… but I like it anyway. I can’t help it. I just do.

Feelings just don’t always make sense. And this one feels fine, so I’m not going to worry about it too much. I’m just gonna shrug at my illogic and enjoy it.

I don't know, man

I’m tired of dating. I’m sick of the banter that dies and the thrill of meeting someone new. I don’t want to meet someone new. I want to curl up with someone that knows and loves me. Could I somehow just find them?

It’s made harder because things are so damn amazing with Traveler. I like meeting people, but I really like spending time with him. I wish the other things could be so easy and work so well, but they can’t, because we haven’t known and loved each other for years.

I want to know all the little spots that make them gasp. I want to have our perfect kisses, the ones that melt us and that we’ve learned over time. I want our routines and our habits and the little things we do and are to each other. I want to fall asleep so fast with them too, moments after we came, when we are curled together, sweaty and sated, only to wake up some time later to turn out the lights or the music or cover us both up.  I want to grab our water for our nightstands while they make sure the door is locked. I want to grin like idiots playing candy crush and laughing our asses off in bed. I want to fast forward to the part where it works and the relationship is good.

I want to already be a part of each other’s lives. I don’t want to wonder if they want to see me. I don’t want all the stupid complications of making plans at first, or the nervousness or the wondering. I don’t want to have great online chats and then meet and realize there is no way we ever want to kiss each other. I don’t want the best faces forward and the feeling that I’m sitting across from someone and we are both already thinking… “back to the drawing board”. Hell. I’d rather put on my pajamas and watch a chick flick with my cats sometimes. And so I do. The Boss is really funny, by the way.

I still for the life of me can’t figure out if this guy likes me or is just being nice when he’s not busy.  I like hanging out with him and would probably be happy either way, but I’m not sure if I should stop trying to make plans with him outside of the club if really he’d rather just be fucking. God I hate dating sometimes.

He's Getting Remarried

Okay.. so.. I had the 5 year anniversary of my father passing, which was the same day as my old wedding anniversary to my now ex-husband.  If you are just joining this or don’t know the history, my ex and I were together for 13 years, married 11 of it and monogamous about 11 of it. We opened up and became poly, and he left me for his girlfriend that I had also been dating until he was too jealous of her and I to continue. He told me he couldn’t be poly, and then that he could, and again that he couldn’t. He began dating our old dog walker in secret while we were separated but talking about working it out.  We have been apart about 3 years now and are divorced.

third marriage

I did pretty well this anniversary and thought mostly of my father. I miss him, but it was somehow sweet this year to think of him, and not the aching pain of other times in my grief over him. It was good.

I messaged him and learned that he’d proposed to the dog walker and they were engaged. (He and the girl he left me for broke up in October of the year we separated and after we’d decided to divorce, and he’s monogamous with the dog walker since then).

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Veto the Veto

Veto power doesn’t really work. I know a lot of us start out wanting to have some kinda failsafe, some kind of pilot eject button for if things get scary or hard or threaten us. A lot of us start out with a veto.  We say we’ll dip our toes in the pool of poly dating, and if things get hairy or go horribly awry, we’ll pull the rip cord and close up shop or cut off an undesirable partner.  Problem is.. we’re dealing with humans here.

I get it. I do. I get being scared. I get wanting to protect a great relationship to a person you love. I really do understand this. When I opened up with my husband of 11 years I wanted a safety valve too. I wanted to know that if we dated other people we’d be okay. I want to know now while Traveler and I date others that we’ll be okay. But you know… love is risky.

I say love is risky not to warn people against poly or something. I say love is risky because it just is. I think there are ways to protect a relationship as you add others to a point. I think we can make agreements and prioritize making sure we get time with our existing partners and nurture those relationships, no matter how crazy in love we get with a new shiny thing. I think existing partnerships can work to make sure they don’t take each other for granted, and set date nights, and keep pursuing interests and hobbies and choose to keep a space for the people that have stood by us.  I think we can take special care to nurture our connection. I think we can communicate well and often. I think we can do many many many good things as we find and fall in love with new partners.

But I don’t think cutting off new partners is a great idea.

  1. Veto sucks because you are choosing for your partner what they can have in their lives and who they can love to suit your selfish jealousy, fear and insecurity. This is a shitty thing to do to someone you love.
  2. You are saying you know better than your partner. Think about this. Do you really think your partner is a dummy? An oaf? A less-than-complete-adult who cannot decide things for themselves?  If so, why are you committed to a relationship with this person?!?!?
  3. Is it possible that your partner has feelings and thoughts and reasons that you don’t necessarily share? Is it possible THEY are having some need met or growing in some way that they are drawn to that you don’t necessarily share?  I’d think long and hard about yourself if you think you are some “better judge” for your partner than they are for themselves. I have to admit I cringe when people say they know their partner better than their partner knows themselves. Or worse… that they know what is best for their partner.  I gotta call bullshit here.  There is ZERO chance you know more about your partner than they do about themselves. You know what you have experienced with your partner and what they told you and what you’ve observed. You don’t know the innermost workings of your partner better than they know themselves. What an ego.
  4. You might break your partner’s heart.  If they love someone and you cut it off, you are hurting them.
  5. If you and your partner actually respect each other and share your thoughts and observations with each other, isn’t it better to let your partner hear your thoughts and input and decide for themselves? If you have a healthy relationship, why wouldn’t you listen to your partner’s input and respect their thoughts? Traveler doesn’t need a veto, because if he leveled with me about a partner I would listen to and respect his input as the intelligent and capable man I know him to be. We do sometimes see things that people in the rush of new love don’t see. This is truth. But that can be a reason to share your insights with your partner so that they make the best decisions possible for themselves.  Right?  Even if it’s not on your time schedule?
  6. There is a reason your partner was drawn to this person. And there is a reason they want this relationship. You cutting that off doesn’t actually answer that.  Sometimes our partners need to learn a painful lesson and sometimes our job is to support them in doing so.
  7. The person you are vetoing is a human being. They matter too. Or they should. Human beings aren’t put here to spice up your marriage or your life. They have feelings and thoughts and they matter.  If you are upset or jealous or hurt, the answer isn’t to run ramshackle over other humans. It’s to figure out what you need and want in your relationship. The answer to “I’m insecure” isn’t “dump that other bitch”.
  8. Breaking my partner’s heart and demanding control over them doesn’t actually make our connection more secure.
  9. Punishing your partner for doing something bad by calling in your veto card to punish them doesn’t make your relationship better.
  10. Did you really think it was okay to weigh in on relationships you aren’t even a member of?  Our relationship will be hurt if I hurt my partner. If they choose to honor my veto, they may resent me. At the very least they know that *I* broke their heart. If they choose not to honor the veto, now what?  I don’t have a magic wand that lets me make the people I love only want the things I want them to have.

So.. what do I do if my partner is with someone I don’t want to accept or can’t accept?

I share my thoughts with my partner and let them make decisions for themselves. I can stay with them and help them pick up the pieces when they learn this lesson. Or I can choose not to be with my partner if I can’t trust their decisions or deal with the results of them living as they choose to live. I can choose for myself what I am willing to experience.  But I can’t really choose for you. Even if I have a veto and FEEL like I can choose for you, I can’t. And that’s why veto’s don’t work.

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End of the day

Nothing sweeter than curling up at the end of our day to kisses and our limbs all entwined, talking too late and getting undressed because it’s warm and we don’t want to stop touching or let go. 

Petting you almost to sleep and loving the deep purr you make when I curl closer and kiss you is soothing.

And later, I’m basking in the scent of you and I drying on each other as we fall asleep for real this time. 

Inside

It’s been a long while now that traveler has been open and sharing feelings and talking to me, but I still feel this giddy awe of being let in. It’s an amazing thing to be able to hear your partners thoughts and fears and loves. I’m understanding and being let in on all these loyalties, challenges, frustrations, little thoughts, hopes, dreams and musings and I’m just… So grateful. 

Isn’t it amazing to explore the weird inner worlds with someone you love?  I’m fascinated and awed and honored to get access to this man. He could find no better way to make me feel secure and loved. This is the real romance to me, petting the skin of his chest as I listen.

I’m totally enraptured to hear how his mind works and to learn all of these things about him. I love knowing this part of him that only exists with me and I treasure every root of this trust. 

Oh words! Give me your sweet and difficult words. Share whatever you want with me and know I’ll treasure it. I fall fall fall. 

I remember in our early days, in that first year maybe, I could not have imagined Traveler could “go there”. We fell so long and slow and subtly. I didn’t know he could talk like this, connect this way, feel like this, or let me in on it. I worried so much as we first fell in love. I could see it in his passion, his kisses, his eyes, but I longed so much for the words. I didn’t know if I’d ever be in here. 

I feel lucky to love this man. I feel so lucky he let me in. I love everything he shares. One of my favorite things about this kind of intimacy is the gift of always learning and exploring these reaches in our loves. I could spend the rest of our lives in here and never grow tired or feel the voyage is done. And I love that. 

They Can't Take That Away From Me

Man. I’m a nostalgic mf’er these last couple of days.  I made it past my old anniversary without thinking of it.  Part of it is that I’m not really paying attention to the date, what with being on summer break. Part of it is that I think it FINALLY settled. I don’t feel the strong hurt I felt around my divorce, and the way my ex acted. I don’t worry about him as much. I even sort of accept my daughters not being in my life.  It sucked. Of course it sucked. But it is what it is. It’s sad that it ended the way it did, and sad that my ex was that person.

But.. I’m okay, and I’ve been okay for a long time now. The wounds are old.  I’m not saying they’re perfect, but they don’t sting.  A few weeks ago I teared up in the kitchen with Quinky and Traveler. A song Evan loved came on and I hadn’t heard it since we’d parted and I teared up. I realized it was the first time in a long time that I’d teared up about him.  I teared up more maybe because it was a moment when I remembered how much we loved each other, dancing in the kitchen.  I don’t really think about him much, and I don’t think about how we were really at all these days.  I’ve fallen in love again, and I’m a lot happier most of the time.  I love my ex because it’s the way I am built. But it doesn’t hurt anymore.  It’s more just that I hope he’s happy.

I think it’s healthy sometimes when long deep loves change.  In monogamy we stay because of duty, and security, and comfort. In poly sometimes we don’t acknowledge a relationship that isn’t whole. It can hobble along indefinitely because nobody has to be EVERYTHING to anybody, but really because it can be a crutch for not looking at how we love and are loved by THIS one person and how it’s not a whole or functional relationship. Other people fill serious gaps. Continue reading