Conflict

“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
Piers Anthony

I hate conflict.  But I also sometimes create it or add to it.  Sometimes my feelings bubble up and I can’t hold them back and they come spilling out in a mess.  And I spend a LOT of time apologizing for that when it happens.  I know how much it sucks, and for someone who hates conflict it is the literal worst.  It feels like I betray myself.

Otherwise, I avoid conflict with anyone I care about. Even if it has nothing to do with me.  Even if I have a legitimate beef with you… Even if I caught you lying.. if you were mean or unfair or cruel.. even if you were the one that treated me badly, my tendency is to want to take the hit if it will just end this gnashing of teeth.  The FIRST thing I think when anyone I care about is upset is, “what did I do?”  I apologize for my feelings.  I apologize for wanting.  I apologize for being a mess and for needing.  I apologize for having felt hurt.   Continue reading

Unrest

I’m tired.  I slept about 3.5 hours the night before last and woke yesterday at 3am with a vicious nightmare.  The first nightmare in this little series about about a week ago and I woke gasping and trying to pull the plastic bag off of my head that had been there in my dream.  I was terrified and cried with relief to wake up.

Last night right before I woke I lay bleeding and dying on the floor.  I was in agony and everything in my body hurt.  I knew I was dying and I could feel my own heart slowing as I bled to death.  I was mostly naked and cold, on the hard floor and they were gathered around me, laughing and watching me die.  I tried to crawl away from them with the last bits of whatever I had in me.  I could tell that there were people past these tormentors.  People I cared about were impossibly far away and couldn’t hear me.  I didn’t want to die with these people.  I needed to get past them.

They’d block my path or kick me now and then, thwart my progress and laugh at how pathetic I was.  I was weaker and weaker but I couldn’t lay my head down here.  I would not let them have my death and I was realizing with each passing minute of my tortured crawling that it was inevitable.  My breathing was getting ragged and I was getting colder.  Someone stepped on my hand and crushed it.  I cried out with fresh sharp pain as the bones in my hand broke.  I cried dry tears.  I woke up to Traveler rocking me and telling me I was safe.  I held him to stop death and cried.  He was so warm.  I couldn’t stop crying for just a minute.  I have had a hangover all day.  I felt wrenched and wrung out.

At lunch I watched cat videos on YouTube and I had a brief and beautiful conversation with Quinky Girl where I got to bask in her happiness today and I smiled.  I feel like the weight has been lifting all day, but I’d still really like to curl up with ice cream and a movie that is so fluffy and vapid that half of everything is pink and sparkly.

I have a date tonight and I’m excited about that underneath my numb and I hope I’m not a shitty date.  I can’t cancel because it’s really early in our association and we just don’t have enough water under the bridge for flakiness yet.  He doesn’t know me and I don’t have any credit built up.  So I’m going to listen to more good music and make a nice meal and hope for kisses maybe.  I hope he’ll understand if I need to get to bed early tonight, even if it is the weekend and it’s been a while coming.

I don’t know that it’s the nightmare that lingers as much as the hour or so afterward that I stayed in my bed thinking and not being tired, afraid to sleep again.  I fell asleep eventually but it took a long long time.  I am feeling better in general and I feel like a lot of things are working out, but I don’t have solutions or even ideas for solutions for some things.  My mind worries thoughts like a sore tooth because I just can’t see my options.  It feels like there are spots here that have a very thin crust.  But maybe that’s just the voice in the dark.  I think it might be.