“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
― Piers Anthony
I hate conflict. But I also sometimes create it or add to it. Sometimes my feelings bubble up and I can’t hold them back and they come spilling out in a mess. And I spend a LOT of time apologizing for that when it happens. I know how much it sucks, and for someone who hates conflict it is the literal worst. It feels like I betray myself.
Otherwise, I avoid conflict with anyone I care about. Even if it has nothing to do with me. Even if I have a legitimate beef with you… Even if I caught you lying.. if you were mean or unfair or cruel.. even if you were the one that treated me badly, my tendency is to want to take the hit if it will just end this gnashing of teeth. The FIRST thing I think when anyone I care about is upset is, “what did I do?” I apologize for my feelings. I apologize for wanting. I apologize for being a mess and for needing. I apologize for having felt hurt. Continue reading