I’ve made a huge mistake

Dammit. When will I learn?  It wasn’t the dogwalker who shared my old blog with my daughter. It was her actual mother.

Honestly that was my first thought. The first wife, mother of my stepdaughters has many many many times hurt the kids to try to get at me or my ex-hubby. My daughter had contacted me after I wrote about her father marrying the dog walker and said the dog walker had shared the blog with her, but that wasn’t true.  She was protecting her mother, I guess.

Anyway.. I was dead wrong and flew off the handle and blamed the dog walker for shit she didn’t do. Evidently she also has a moral compass and wouldn’t ever do that to my daughter or to my ex, her new husband. She was evidently blind-sided too.

It does not escape my notice that if I were less reactive and hadn’t just believed everything and blamed the dog walker all willy nilly that I wouldn’t have this situation of eating crow. I’m adding that to the list of my wrongs and things to work on.. or rather moving it up the list I guess. It was already on the list.

Fucking emotions! Do you see why it’d be great to be a nice logical vulcan?

heart-and-brain

Heart and Brain by 9buz at 9buz.com.

Conflict

“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
Piers Anthony

I hate conflict.  But I also sometimes create it or add to it.  Sometimes my feelings bubble up and I can’t hold them back and they come spilling out in a mess.  And I spend a LOT of time apologizing for that when it happens.  I know how much it sucks, and for someone who hates conflict it is the literal worst.  It feels like I betray myself.

Otherwise, I avoid conflict with anyone I care about. Even if it has nothing to do with me.  Even if I have a legitimate beef with you… Even if I caught you lying.. if you were mean or unfair or cruel.. even if you were the one that treated me badly, my tendency is to want to take the hit if it will just end this gnashing of teeth.  The FIRST thing I think when anyone I care about is upset is, “what did I do?”  I apologize for my feelings.  I apologize for wanting.  I apologize for being a mess and for needing.  I apologize for having felt hurt.   Continue reading

Nightmares and echos

I don’t know.  I don’t know.

I keep rankling and I can’t really seem to even put it into words.  I can’t. I can’t. I thought and thought about what would make me happy and that was me.  I make me happy. Always. no excuses. no shortcuts.  radical.

I think and think all the things that went wrong, that could go wrong and that did and could again.  I cling to promises and words that evaporated when you were asked about them, meaning I guess that you didn’t really want them. were you placating them? me? I ask over and over and over again if I’m a fool. am I a fool? is this stupid? foolish? wishful? willful?

You told the truth and it broke me and you learned to tell a lie.  or maybe you were finally honest?  with you? with me?  I don’t know. You said this to me and that to her and nothing to anyone else.  Because you were trying to spin the sugar, but it’s so fragile and I can’t get purchase.  It have no scaffolding, no spine.  You’ll say what I need you to, what they need you to, and never what you mean.  I’m afraid.  What if you said what you mean?  What would break then? someone.

What if everyone actually said what they mean?  All these webs of spun sugar, spun glass, brittle, crack. Continue reading

This Has Been Compromised

hulk rageWell.. a lot of things have come to a head.  The old problem with my roommate situation has arose again and I’m throwing in the towel.  My roommate and I had a talk and I can’t really talk about it much here because she (they?) have been reading the blog and are upset.

This is kind of hard, mostly because I’m hurt and angry and this is where I would talk about my feelings but it’s being used to judge me.  I was told that they’d read and discussed the blog and this is why I’ve been made to feel so unwelcome in my home.  I’m getting more and more angry the more I think about it honestly.  I’m not going to quote anyone, but fuck off that I can’t talk about my feelings about this.  Kink made me a person of bad character?  Screw off. Continue reading

Can't Stop Prodding It

Looking at some sexual jealousy, mine and his.. and wondering how to consistently behave.  

green eyed monsterThings have taken a decided upswing with Hubby.  We’ve officially been in counseling for a few weeks now and have learned a few useful tools.  He’s also working a bit individually on himself.  It’s still only been days, but I am starting to see that maybe maybe maybe we’ll make it.  I can’t express strongly enough how much this would relieve me.  There’s been a lot of turmoil, but I still really love Hubby.

We had a good date where he came over to the city to spend time with me and we enjoyed each others company.  We talked and laughed, held hands and were kinda loving.  It was nice.  It was followed by days of better stuff too.  We were actually talking and being more like us.  And then last night I took a turn being the asshole.  There is this troubling spot, like a sore tooth I just can’t stop prodding. Continue reading