Conflict

“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
Piers Anthony

I hate conflict.  But I also sometimes create it or add to it.  Sometimes my feelings bubble up and I can’t hold them back and they come spilling out in a mess.  And I spend a LOT of time apologizing for that when it happens.  I know how much it sucks, and for someone who hates conflict it is the literal worst.  It feels like I betray myself.

Otherwise, I avoid conflict with anyone I care about. Even if it has nothing to do with me.  Even if I have a legitimate beef with you… Even if I caught you lying.. if you were mean or unfair or cruel.. even if you were the one that treated me badly, my tendency is to want to take the hit if it will just end this gnashing of teeth.  The FIRST thing I think when anyone I care about is upset is, “what did I do?”  I apologize for my feelings.  I apologize for wanting.  I apologize for being a mess and for needing.  I apologize for having felt hurt.   Continue reading

Goldilocks

Goldilocks painting by Jasmine Beckett-Griffith

Goldilocks painting by Jasmine Beckett-Griffith

I’ve said many times I wish I were the ever-graceful and unaffected Grace Kelly.  I’m not particularly emotional at the moment, but it’s a thing with me that I get embarrassed of my emotion.  Wait, no.  I get embarrassed of my *messy* emotions.

I’m perfectly happy that I feel boundless love.  I am tickled that a great number of things delight me. I’m passionate.  I love deeply.  I’m fiercely loyal.  I’m tenacious and determined and empathetic.  I can go there with a friend.  I can take a lover there.  All of these emotions I adore.

But it’s the messy stuff.  I’m ashamed I have insecurities.  I’m embarrassed when I cry.  I can’t stand being irrational or out of sorts or brooding.  I despise that I burn over offenses and that I have to address and let go of things when others seem perfectly capable of stuffing them down forever.  I hate my messy emotions.

I was talking about this with Quinky Girl.  She is a human who gets twinges, but by and large she is unaffected by some things that make me rail.  I deeply envy that.  I would be the same way if I could and I can’t.  I HATE to talk about the little things that bother me.  But if I don’t they become big things and come out sideways.  I hate that too.  Other polys say “Oh I didn’t need to talk about that.  I just let it go”.  And I feel much much worse.  It’s like they are jabbing me right in my eye with that.  I’d prefer not to have awkward moments but I can’t be any other way.  I don’t wanna make shit weird.  I don’t wanna have a little chat.  I hate confrontation and awkwardness.  I wanna just flip my hand, brush my hair off my shoulder and say “I never did mind the little things”.  But I simply don’t work that way. Continue reading

Fuzzy Landmines and Invisible Fences. Damn. Thanks Aggie and Minx.

Sometimes things are really uncomfortable to read or to hear because I really need to read or hear them.  The truth about a thing I’m not proud of makes me cringe.  This happened this week.  I’ve been doing some work on some insecurities and jealousies and judgements of my own and I came across Aggie’s post on Solopoly.net, titled “Entering an Existing Relationship.  What’s the Problem?”.  You can find that here.  It’s pretty fucking brilliant and I recommend it to any non-monogamous person. Then I heard Minx’s podcast about it at PolyamoryWeekly.net, Episode 401 “Fuzzy Landmines”.  You can find that here.

Dammit.

cute felt bombs found at www.kotaku.jp.

cute felt bombs found at http://www.kotaku.jp.

This first example.. yeah.. it hits really close to home.

EXAMPLE: Joe requires his wife Sarah to spend every weekend with him (and no other partner) as a symbol of his primary rank in her life. Joe and Sarah realize that admitting this to anyone, including potential partners, would highlight Joe’s insecurity, which would embarrass both Sarah and Joe.

So Sarah claims to be flexible about her time, but then avoids makings weekend dates with her boyfriend Sam. Rather than explain the true reason, Sarah always has an excuse ready when Sam asks or complains about this pattern. Or she tries to dismiss each instance as isolated and “not a big deal.” Such diversion cuts off opportunities for the three of them to explore options to collaboratively resolve the underlying issue of Joe’s insecurity and possessiveness.

Since Sam has a demanding weekday job, this time restriction significantly limits how his relationship with Sarah can develop. Eventually he breaks up with Sarah in angry, bitter frustration.

I’ve been here so many times this past year.  Cleveland I have been working out some of our stuff, which mostly stems from my frustration at the limits of our relationship.  We’ve talked about it now a few times, and he’s been a LOT more accessible and I’ve been pretty happy about that overall.  We’ve had more time for relating.. more dates with things like trivia and trips to Ikea and watching a show.  We’ve had time to do more than fuck and that’s really been pretty awesome.  I hated bringing up at all with him that I’d been so unhappy with our once a week dinner and a fuck.  And I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass and I wanted to be very sensitive to his situation.  I don’t want to be too demanding.   Continue reading

I Asked Him

Things have been going tremendously with Cleveland but I’ve had a small concern lately, and I asked him about it.

ImageI felt lately like he was a little hard to schedule with and he’s been busy every weekend except the weekend we went to Portland.  I still saw him, so it wasn’t really an issue, but it was a noticeable departure that weekend dates seemed pretty much off the table.  And the overnights died too.  I didn’t think much of it the first few weeks it happened.  People get busy and work was insane for him.  It started to seem that overnights were just off the table.  Then the communication between dates lessened. Again, not a BIG deal because he’s been busy at work and busy with side projects and I know he tries to have time with his wife, as he should.

Hell.. I told him that all the time when we got together to kiss her extra and sex her up and tell her how amazing she is and how much he loves her.  I told him to get quality time with her. You gotta be sure you shower your existing connections with time, love and attention as you add new ones.  When Hubby added his girl that was it for me.  The days he wasn’t with her he was mooning for her, moodily snapping at me from the computer.  He talked to her hours a day when they weren’t together.  They talked first thing in the morning till last thing at night.  I never stood a chance because I never got his time.  How could we get romantic or snuggle or connect?  He hated telling her when we had dates because she would support his time with me and not talk to him.  He eventually just didn’t make any dates with me.  They went away a few times and he was never able to go to Portland with me.  We booked a hotel 3 times and cancelled each one because it was a bad time for him.  I stopped booking the hotel, and planned-weekend after planned-weekend lapsed. We never went to Portland.

I could never be part of that with another woman.  I could never be happy knowing a man I was falling for was mistreating his existing loves.  She’s been there with him through thick and thin for 18 years!  That shit is precious and needs to be honored and cherished and cared for.   Continue reading

Maybe I'd Like It If My Boyfriend Fucked Her…

I met PolyV, Great Date’s new gal, yesterday.  She’s lovely.  He was right too, she’s prettier than her OKC pics.  She seems lovely inside and out actually.  Go Great Date!

She told Great Date she’d like to talk to me, when he told her a teensy bit of how I was struggling a bit, and that he’d like to temporarily limit their dating time to two days a week or less, including coffees dinners and working together from home.  This is a temporary thing he did to help me have a little time to adjust and to have them go just a little slower for a little while.   Continue reading

Nice Guys and Good Girls

nice guys cyanide and happinessI’m just gonna start by saying this.  I’ve been sitting on this post for a bit, trying to find a way to say this without ruffling anyone.  Well.. I can’t.  So, I’m just gonna call myself out and say it.  I am lambasting ForensicGuy as an example of a trend.  I am saying not-nice things.  I accept the consequences of this because this shit needs to be said.

I would like to talk about “nice guys”.  I should talk about “good girls” too, but I’m not gonna or this’d be a novel.  So I’m just talking about the nice guys for now.

First, they aren’t very nice.   They pretend to want to listen and be happy with what you are offering.  You tell them clearly that you want friendship and they bide time.  They try anyway to seal the deal, and when they are rejected they play the “nice guy”.  Or hell they never take a shot!  They play the nice guy to chip you away to a nub, figuring they can then pounce on your grateful vagina.   They then lecture about how they can “hold a space”, or some other woo-woo bullshit, and how everyone uses them.  They are so upset that the girl doesn’t fuck them even though they were sooooooo nice. Continue reading

Ups and Downs

Welp.. it’s been a tough couple of days in polyland with a few very exciting and wonderful times.  I think people get the impression that poly is all about the sex.  It’s at least somewhat about the sex, and I’ll be honest about that, but I think poly is also all about the communication, connection and growth.

I gotta tell ya, that ain’t always fun and easy, but it sometimes is.
Poly is talking and talking and then a little more talking.  Poly is examining myself and my motives and my contribution to things.  It’s figuring out what I want and need and learning to express it.  It’s listening to my partners and their wants and needs.  It’s negotiations.  It’s making boundaries and letting go and opening up.  It’s exposing things that I’m not comfortable exposing all the time.  It’s being honest and trying to be gentle with those I love.  It’s work.

So why do it?

It’s also the excitement of the first kiss and of someone I really really really like.  It’s making out in the back of a car with “Great Date” and aching to do more, but tantalizing ourselves with just that for now because maybe there could be something there worth more than what sex too early might consign us to.  It’s laughter and talk and learning about someone really great. It’s chemistry and loving the way he smells and tastes and the succulent imaginings of possibility.

Polyamory is also exploring totally new parts of myself and of sex with “Kinky Boy”.  It’s finding out the beauty of endorphins and subspace.  It’s learning to ask for what I want and for the pure joy of letting go completely and submitting, turning it all over and learning to trust.  It’s aftercare and snuggling and an exciting mind and humor.  It’s slowly letting myself be more vulnerable than I am really comfortable being and of saying olive juice because I feel something pretty special for him, but I just can’t tell him that I love him yet.

Poly is also compersion, and watching my husband building a relationship with a girl who is beautiful and kind, and who I genuinely like on so many levels; as a friend, a sexy potential lover, a twisted humor, a confidant of sorts, and a person I respect.  I want to talk to her and cuddle her and kiss her and learn her body and her mind, but first I want to let my husband connect with her and to take joy in their connection and the sweetness and flush of new things.  It’s really and truly loving him so much that I feel like I’m falling in love with him falling in love.  It’s so beautiful to be part of giving him that joy and to have the security to know that it doesn’t take away from our love and connection.

Poly is also the excitement and trust, communication and love that are flowing between me and my hubby.  I feel scared and elated and overjoyed that he and I are doing this together.  It’s amazing to get to know these vast other parts of him and watch him explore and feel him backing me up and encouraging me when all of this is tough.  I’m a little self-conscious at times and dating has brought up some of my insecurities.  I’m dealing with them and I am not alone.  I am actually dealing with the heart of the heart of the thing now, and I feel closer and more connected to my man than ever before and I didn’t think that was possible.  We are connecting sexually in an exciting new way as the energy of dating is splashing back into our relationship and we are being more passionate and more creative.  I am having a hard time remembering why we got into our “more than perfectly fine but a little rote” way of connecting. I am remembering my own first flush of love with him and reliving those heady days.  There are ways I’ve taken him for granted and my eyes are open now.  My husband and I are courting each other too and talking so much we are hoarse.

It is difficult challenging work sometimes and it’s being ok with being uncomfortable, but it’s wonderful too.  I love the possibilities and promise of my new and fledgling connections and the strengthening of old ones.  I love the potential of love and more love.  I am in love with polyamory right now, even though it’s been a very rough couple of days in many ways.  I love the resolution.