Unicorn Hunters

ImageI have an account on OK Cupid, where many people in open relationships are. I list myself as a bisexual woman, because I am, and this means I get a share of couples looking for that elusive bi-babe to come and be their third.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a threesome and nothing wrong with wanting it to be a casual thing or an ongoing thing.  It’s a common thing that new couples want to find a single woman to come and be in a relationship with both of the members.  There are a lot of reasons for this, some good and some bad frankly.  I’m not really writing about that whole ball of wax.  Many writers already have written about it, and many better than me.  This hot bi-babe that will come and have sex with and/or date both members of a couple is called a unicorn.

What I am writing about today is my response to a very certain kind of unicorn hunter.  In my account on OK Cupid I fairly regularly get a very specific sort of message that honestly drives me crazy.  Some couple or member of a couple will write this kind of form letter to me not indicating any interest at all in me or my profile or anything really having anything to do with me as a person.  It’s usually a version of this:

Hi there!  I am “name” and I’m with “name”.  We are a fun outgoing couple that likes walks on the beach and wine and fun and good sexy times.  He is blank years old and I am blank years old, and we’ve been together blank number of years.  We are low drama, drug and disease free and always play safe.  We are looking for an attractive, fun, drug and disease free woman to join us for fun/date us/explore a relationship with us.  He is amazing in bed and likes this and this and that and he says I’m super great in this way.  We want to do x and y and z in bed.  We look forward to hearing back from you.

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The Case for Cunnilingus

Last night I had drinks with Quinky Girl and Peaches.  We had supportive, real down and deep girl talk.  They called me on being a “spinner”, which of course I am and know I am, but they pointed out something about my spinning.  It’s a simple idea that kinda struck me.  I struggle sometimes and think or “spin” too much.  It bothered me that what they were saying was true.  I know that they’ve gotten to know me in a really unique time in my life, and I’m an external processor and overcommunicator, so everything I feel comes out, and sometimes analyzing things was better than losing it and crying on the floor.  This thinking and spinning is part of a process for me, which they supported in a really cool way, but maybe a part that doesn’t have to be as large or as painful as it is sometimes.  And it sounds dumb, but I think I got a little nugget from that.  I knew that they were wrong about some things, like the extent, but I also knew that they were right about what they were saying, and what they were saying to me was important.  And I appreciated the reassurance too.

Oh last night… I had too many drinks.  So, early this morning I woke up and downed a glass of water and Motrin and still woke with a headache.  I was thinking how nice it would have been to have my favorite headache cure… an orgasm.  For this piece to work, we’re gonna have to suspend the fact that I could have just masturbated.  Go there with me.  It’s fun.

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Confused? Yeah. I get that.

I was talking to Peaches about casual sex relationships, and she said she doesn’t like “feeling like the temp that never gets hired”.  Isn’t that a great metaphor?  It’s fun to have casual fun but a real bummer when all you meet is casual when you crave a little more.  I had to get her permission to use the quote.  It’s a good one, no?

Bosch1

Bosch- Garden of Earthly Delights

To be fair, neither one of us is remotely in that situation for real, but it does suck to feel that way and I know what she means.  We’re both in loving relationships with Traveler (and me with Cleveland) and she’s had her share of interest and just a couple of males who didn’t have the right interest for what she was seeking at the time.

I tried to explain how I want a very specific kind of casual when I want casual.  Continue reading

Old Flames and Loves

I got up on this fine Sunday morning to come to my workplace to sign divorce papers with my ex and wasn’t ready to go home afterwards.  It had gone as smoothly as it could.  He brought my little dog and I got puppy kisses and snuggled the little thing.  I wasn’t overly rocked by signing the divorce papers but I was a little teary-eyed afterward.  I don’t want him back and I’m not as sad that he’s gone, but I don’t really want to be divorced and it is the end of so much.  I sat here for a while and watched the light on the building and just kinda took it in.

ImageAfter a bit I chatted with my old and wonderful friend Ph.D.  There are some people that just get in your heart and stay there, and he’s definitely one for me.  We talked briefly but it was as it always is and I was left smiling.  I still wasn’t ready to go home yet and ending up talking to the man I had my first “poly” relationship with.  I’m going to call him Popsicle.  We didn’t call ourselves poly back then.  Nobody called themselves poly back then because it was a word until 1996 and this would have been about 1992.

Popsicle and I were good friends back in the day and one night he and my roommate dropped me off at work, and after I’d exited the car he’d turned to my roomy and said “that ass!  God.. I just want to grab it while I eat her for an hour!!”.  I flushed when my roommate called me at work to tell me what he’d said.  I told her “Tell him to pick me up from work.  I’m off at 8”.  Heh.  He did.  🙂 He and I were together on and off and never-defined from when I was 18 or 19 until I was 26 or so.  I was married in there for a few years to my first husband, and I’d found how much I hated cheating when Popsicle and I had an affair.

We had a very passionate relationship and were very good friends but somehow neither of us tried to make it monogamous or define it for a long time.  I continued to see people I’d been seeing casually and he did the same.  We had this kind of mutually supportive and loving and sexual thing.  We talked to each other about our other conquests and relationships and there was little jealousy or drama or angst.  We just were what we were.  I Imagemoved to Phoenix for job prospects and he became a truck driver and we’d see each other from time to time as he drove through, catching up on what was happening in our lives and having this week here or that weekend there and talking regularly on the phone.  I loved Popsicle and he loved me.  I was emphatically anti-relationships at the time and afraid of love, but he was somehow the exception to the rule.

Eventually we both married and divorced other people and we had that one affair with each other.  We’d remained in touch all of those years.  When my soon-to-be ex husband and I married he’d taken great exception to Popsicle, having difficulty understanding that a relationship that never called itself a relationship didn’t really have an end.  My assurances that Popsicle and my days of cheating on people together had passed did little to ease Hubby.  I understand his trepidation.  I really do.  I’d wanted this thing with my husband to work though and I’d eventually let Popsicle go.  I missed  him and looked him up from time to time, as he did me too.  We’d talk here and there as friends and it seemed our sexual relationship had finally burned out.  It had been mad chemistry back in the day… grappling, wrestling, biting, clawing, falling down the stairs fucking chemistry, but we were in different places now, making things work with people that we loved and with whom we’d vowed monogamy.  And so it’s sat for a while.

Today he popped up in Facebook and we got to chatting.  It got pretty heated, remembering old days and catching up about new ones.  We’ve both wound up in non-monogamous places and he was intrigued by my poly.  He’s been just sport fucking for a while, tired of serial relationships that always end badly, and wishing for more connection or an open kind of thing like the old days.  I of course am poly and open.  He’s heard of poly and is interested to talk to like-minded people but felt that just wasn’t possible in Cleveland.  Well.. it is.

Cleveland, so cleverly named (heh) is from Cleveland and he and his wife were part of poly and swinger and kinky groups there.  I asked for and got info and passed it along. It’s been a long and messy road here, but we both ended up 20 years later sympatico again.  I’m not planning any trips to Cleveland, and for a variety of reasons I’m not sure even if I did if Popsicle and I would amount to much, but I won’t lie and say I’m not curious.  I don’t know how chemistry ages and a lot more has grown and changed than our sex lives, but I’ve always loved and will likely always love Popsicle and our sexual chemistry and connection was astounding.

couple in tubHe was the first man I shaved.  I remember like yesterday him sitting on the edge of my big old tub, smoking and talking to me about everything and nothing as I sat cross-legged before him, slowly and carefully shaving his balls.  I’d never done it before and he was trusting me, so relaxed.  We paused here and here in our conversation to kiss or let me take a puff of his cigarette, and we admired my handiwork.  I realized how much I loved the domesticity of taking care of my partner, grooming them.  It was a new intimacy to me and I’ve loved it ever since.  I remember too how sensitive his balls were to my licking and my breath when I finished.  I’ve shaved every partner who’s let me since then.

I’m a happy woman who gets way more than my share of amazing sex, and I get it with the love and trust and support and commitment and touch and respect and joy that my partners bring to my life. I felt a little blue and down and alone.  It was nice to spend a little time feeling  and then to talking to a good friend and then to an old friend/lover, and finally a little with Cleveland.  I have to admit it’s kinda nice to be able to have a conversation like that with my old lover and not have the guilt after. I have that freedom and give that freedom and it’s pretty cool stuff.

Podcast 9- After the Swing Club

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Podcast 9- After the Swing Club 

Cleveland and I talk about the aftermath.  What we liked, didn’t like, what happened and what we’d do different next time.  Will there be a next time…?

Click on the word “podcast” above to stream for free and find out.

 

I'm baaaack

I finally made it to Portland and I really had a great time.  Traveling with Cleveland was lovely.  He’s an easy-going fun guy.  I think it’s still new for him to sleep with someone new and it was disorienting to be somewhere new too, so he slept pretty poorly and therefore I did too, but other than that and a glitch at the sex club, it all went off without a hitch.

southland whiskeyWe had yummy meals and great talks and some very nice naughty lovin’.  It was nice to have so much time.  We had time to just be leisurely and present.  We had time to talk a great deal and had oodles of kisses and pets and snuggles.  We were able to talk and talk and talk, and we talked about everything and nothing too.  It was so very good.

We talked getting ready for the swing club and how it went and about our tiff in our podcasts, which will post here soon.  It’s a two-fer, with one podcast made before the club and one made when we got home.  The short and long of our maiden swing club voyage is that we had a great time with a fritsy bit in the middle.  We worked it out pretty quickly and had amazeballs sex together in the couple’s room, soaking up the sexy vibe of all of the other couples there and enjoying the sights and sounds around us and enjoyed those enjoying us too.  Very cool.

Back at our room later, having had a great time with a bad patch in it, we made the second pod-cast, which helped us talk it out a little more, and fell asleep happy and resolved.

I don’t know that I will be a good swinger, which works because I don’t really want to swing all the time anyway.  I like the idea of meeting sexy people and having adventures, but I’m not great at hooking up with strangers in loud clubs dancing.  It’s just not my zone.  I was best at the talking bit at the food area and upstairs in the mingling spot by the other bar.   This is more my speed I think.  If I am a swinger at some point I think it’ll be more of the mingling and talking to people and going to parties with friends and friends of friends kind of thing, or meeting people by chatting.  I’ve never been one to hook up with people I met by dancing up on them.  It’s just not my speed.  I don’t know.  I know it was fun though and I’ve always wanted to go and see a place and now I have.  Hell.. I had amazing sex in one now while watching and being watched by like 20 people.  I think it still counts if it was with the guy I brought in.  It still counts.. right?