It's been so long

It’s been so long and time took me far from you here.

Burning man is finally done, or at least the playa part is.  The cleaning up and recovery and putting away is underway.  And it wasn’t anything like what I’d expected.

I’d read a million blogs and spend a million hours pouring over preparations and debating the benefits and detractions of a million tiny choices, and then finally, after months of work getting it together and work on a theme camp and work on a meditation chapel, our gift to the playa, we were there.chapel on playa

To say we worked hard is hilariously inadequate.  This was not a vacation.

Traveler and I worked 18 hour days on average in the dust and sun and heat.  We limped wearily to our camp and often ate and went straight to bed, exhausted and dirty and tired.  We didn’t stink because the desert won’t let anything grow, but it was so harsh our wounds didn’t heal either.  That splinter got infected and that bruise just kept surfacing day after weary day.  Muscles I could not name pulled and snapped and ached.  My temper wore thin and I reacted poorly.  Traveler had his own emotional toil. Quinky Girl too.

Both of them will come to it and to you when they are ready and not a second sooner and I tried to just love them and let them come to me in their own time, respecting the process, but it’s not my strong suit and I wanted to wrap them up with every hurt and cradle them, protecting them from everything.  It was harsh.

The dust is a desiccant and it steals your moisture from your eyes and nose and mouth and skin.  My hands cracked.  My heels bled a little and I wasn’t even wearing sandals.  It was just the blisters.  Nothing survives.  Well, almost nothing.

Storms and dust and wind and bone aching tired I haven’t known except since my Army days.

And it was all so eerily beautiful. Continue reading

I just called to say…

I just talked on the phone.  I talked on the freaking telephone to a man I just started dating.  We talked for no reason at all really, just touching base.  How cool is that?

an old style telephone gleams with it's rotary dial and it's big comfy handset.

an old style telephone gleams with it’s rotary dial and it’s big comfy handset.

Nobody talks on the phone anymore here in Seattle.  I swear.  I’ve been dating for YEARS now and this is the first dude I’ve ever dated who texts for like a second and then says, “can we talk on the telephone?”  And he works in a tech type industry (of course).

What a luxury to unwind with my crummy fast food and a nice light conversation with a sexy man.

We need to bring back the phone.  I forgot the simple pleasure of talking to a boy you like on the telephone and having nothing to say really, but loving the sound of his voice, and feeling special because he wanted to talk to you on the phone.

Being Broken is Exhausting

I think healing takes a lot of energy.  I KNOW crutches take a ton.  I smell like a trucker by the time I get to work.  I just need a minute here.. okay?

Art by dandude666 at

Art by dandude666 at

My hands hurt.  They are bruised from the crutches.  My shoulders and arms ache and the skin where my crutches rub on my inner arms is swollen and angry.  My back hurts and everything is so.. fucking.. hard.  I can’t carry a drink.  I crawl on my knees putting things a few feet out in front of me.. crawling to them.. a few feet more.. crawling to them.. and this is how I get stuff.  I eat on a stool in my kitchen next to the microwave where I nuke stuff.  My knees are raw from the very minimal crawling in my apartment.  They are red and scaly.  I put some calendula on them.

I have this kind of bone wearing fatigue.  I’m so tired.  I’m achingly tired by 1 or 2 pm.

I’m scared.  I’m scared about my money and how this will heal and what will need to happen.

I feel loved and lucky for the awesome people in my life.  I came home yesterday after breaking down TWICE in absolute frustration at the process of getting treatment.  I’m treated at the VA, and everything seems to be on the other side of the hospital and I painfully and wearily crutched to it.  X-rays.  Prosthetics to get the knee scooter they didn’t have.  Ortho to find they didn’t have my consult.  My main doc to get the consult.  Back to Ortho to find they now had the consult and would call me sometime.  Assholes.  They could have said that.  I kept promising myself I could come home and cry in my bath.  And I did.  I ran hot water, lowered most of my body into it and sobbed like a broken thing.

When I’d cried myself out Cleveland came over with a delicious meal, lovely wine, and even some snacks for me for later.  More than that, he brought his kisses, petting me and talking sweetly to me, holding me, telling me he loved me.  I lay on the floor while he cooked without the energy to even put my clothes on.  It’s very unlike me.  I lay there naked listening to him talk to me as I’d asked him to, feeling better and more human as the pain in my body eased a little with rest and his sweetness.  He was indeed a sight for sore eyes.  We watched goofy TV and snuggled and talked and played around.  We went to bed to listen to music and touch and just be.  And Cleveland being Cleveland.. he made my entire body feel better with wracking orgasms and our chemistry overtook us.  We hung out naked for a few hours playing around on our computers and joking about things.  (I wore a sheet.  I’m strangely modest).  And Cleveland got up eventually to go home and shower me off of him and crawl into his own bed.

I slept like the dead.  I got blurry talking to a cute guy from OKC that popped up.  I just ran completely out of gas and told him a gibberish sort of goodbye before falling dead asleep with my phone still in my hand.

I’m sitting at work typing this and trying to work up the energy to walk to the car.  It’s so far away.  And I’m so tired.  But it’s better than yesterday.  I don’t feel like I need to cry in my bath today.  I do still smell like a truck driver though.  I’m going to wash myself and eat my dinner and crawl a nice cold beverage to my couch.  And I’m going to watch mindless TV with my alarm set in case I wake up in the morning.  It’s better than yesterday.  Thank God.  Hopefully that’s a trend that continues.  Just a teeny bit better every day.

My Familia

Traveler and I had a lovely stay-cation for our anniversary that was briefly interrupted, maybe happily interrupted.  I am a mushy mush ball, but it’s just that I love my family.

family crazy mug shotQuinky Girl was out camping with Jonah and had been called back to work for some work junk. Traveler and I had been to the swing club that night and blissed out on each other and a bit of fun people watching.  We were sitting by the pool watching all the happenings and not really involved much in them, and we were holding hands on the table.  At one point we weren’t even talking, were just petting each other’s hand and lost in a gaze.  I love it when he does that.  And then we kissed.  We’d been kissing on and off all night, but this one was different.  “Mmm.  Let’s get out of here”.  I needed to take him home right then.

We stopped for gas and to use the bathroom, and we were playful, and I love it when we’re like that.  I was thinking of the long night still ahead and the candles and the wine and the music, his skin and his kisses.  I love the simmer.

And I saw I’d missed a call from Quinky Girl.  Oh no.  We weren’t able to take our phones in the club, so I’d missed her call and message.  She was having to come for the night, and she was trying to let us know.  I called her back while Traveler was still pumping the gas and got the skinny from her.  She was saying she’d be fine and she could go stay at Jonah’s house but that she’d have to spend the night in the city and deal with this work stuff.  Of course that wasn’t necessary.  Traveler and I had been at the house, but we could go to my place with no problem. More concerning was this big stressful work thing.  I asked if we could all go have a drink and she could tell us about it and she said to just meet her at the house and she’d make tasty libations.

family centaurTraveler got into the car and I caught him up.  We drove and I caught him up on what little I knew.  We were about 40 minutes away and had some time on the bridge after we’d caught up to chat.  I told him  that I loved this.  He asked what “this” I loved, and I told him I felt really honored and lucky and blessed to feel like I have a family.  I talk about them as my family here and Quinky and I have talked about family, but I haven’t talked much to Traveler about family, aside from saying that I felt he was becoming a part of mine.  I told him I loved that we could do this, could call on each other or offer to be there for each other and that it touched me deeply that we’d be there for all these little  messes and that maybe if there was a big one we’d be there then too.  He said “of course we would”.  He held my hand and said that he loved it too, and how lucky we are.  He asked if I minded a little side trip in our evening and I assured him I didn’t.  I asked if he minded, and he smiled and said he didn’t either.

I think this is rare, to find your people and to feel this sense of belonging and all of these ties.  It touches this deep deep deep ache and need in me and fills me.  I thrive on loving and being loved and on collaborating in love.  It wasn’t that I didn’t mind… it was that I loved being here.  I feel honored.  I loved that she could call and that we’d be there just as I know if of her and Traveler too.  It is continually precious and sweet to have this kind of experience.  This is precious, this moment.  The Greeks believe in a few kinds of love.. eros (passion), philia (mental love-friendship), storge (affection- more like that of a parent for a child or of putting up with something), and agape (love of the spirit-unconditional, familial).  I was thinking how many of these are met here in my familia.

family choke

I know I’ve talked about this a lot, my need and my gratitude, but I feel that like a romantic relationship I fall more and more in love here.  I don’t want to blink or miss a thing.  I want to celebrate each tiny milestone and note every little nuance.  I want to be wholly and fully awake.  This.  Remember this.  So rare and so precious are these salad days.

I take all of these shiny moments and note each one.  Evidence.

She called us.  He gave me a key.  She talked to me about power of attorney and swears she’ll do as I ask.  He said we are lucky.  We all said how rare this is.  We watch football.  I make dinner.  We watched “Meet Me In St. Louis” on the phone together.  I told her about Ohana.  I excavated the stump in his yard.  He helped me spray-paint the decorations on my cabinet.  We cleaned the gutters.  They hold me.  I hold them.  We chat on Google.  She sends me pics.  He shopped for all the things I’d need for my apartment with me.  They asked me to help with their kitchen.  He got the things I needed when I was sick.  I drop off things when they are sick too, salted caramel ice-cream and homemade chicken soup.  I plucked his eyebrows and his ears.  She gave me a flower.  We watch TV.  I tied her corset.  She massaged my aching neck and eased my headache.  They bought a bottle of wine for all of us to drink- next year.  His toiletries are in the medicine cabinet and the shower.  She invites me to Jonah’s parties.  We sit on the porch and we sorted labels after a hard day.  She makes us dinner.  She hugs me.  It’s safe to be in love with her and to tell her, as safe as love ever is anyway.  We want to go to Oregon.  She wishes I was there with his family.  I wish my family would meet her too.  And him.  We plan little things.  He said it made sense for us to grow old together, and even if it’s just a dream it’s a good dream and I love that he shared it.

A long long time ago RollerGirl and I talked about poly relationships as a system of webs.  There are thick and thin silks and the webs are all individual and unique, each relationship it’s own web, and all interconnected and effecting each other.  If you break one of the silks, the connected webs feel it, and thicker strands are felt wider.  Pulling  here pulls there and snapping back shakes the entire web.  And I think that is true.  These connections are silks, so delicate and so strong, and I find myself celebrating every silken strand we make.  family spiderman



I’m having a resurgence of friendly love. A while ago I realized that most of my life I’d created my safety and my need for family out of the friends I was lucky enough to build into my family. There is the family you are born with and the one you create. I loved my father and he was a good man, but he was a pretty shitty Dad, and he was the only parent I really had. All of my grandparents died very young too. I had my brother and my brother had me. I had the families of my friends that took me in figuratively, and then later, literally. I ended high-school homeless except that my best friend’s family took me in. My childhood holiday memories are mostly of my friend’s families. My dad was generally off with the girlfriend du jour, who by and large didn’t require my presence.

I was recently mourning my old love, the hubby I’ve lost and a friend pointed out that sometimes that old love isn’t a romantic love. Eureka! Continue reading

Long Dates

We never did plan and we’re both feeling kinda like doing whatever.  I love that.  I got to see Traveler all day and all night. We kept saying we were going to make plans to celebrate our anniversary this weekend, and we just never got our plans together.  I’m here while he takes a quick shower after our relaxing breakfast.  We STILL aren’t totally sure what we’re doing, and you know, it’s perfect.  This is exactly what I wanted… time with him.  



Travel Plans

I’m excited to have travel plans.  I am looking forward to camping with Traveler and his Wife and a trip to Portland with Cleveland.  Last weekend Traveler and I were planning a night away with a hike and an overnight somewhere, and the poor man had meetings…. all weekend… at 7 am!!!!  I’m lucky we had a date at all.  We kept it low key and it was marvelous, and we rescheduled for this weekend.  Then we put off and put off talking about the plans and I’m pretty sure we aren’t over-nighting anywhere.  I was disappointed for like 7 minutes. 


Sunny Day Snuggling by Pettyart

Continue reading

The Light Side

I want to talk about the light side.  I’ve written a lot of angsty dramatic drama-llama stuff lately.  Hey.. the dissolution of a 13 year relationship is a little hard.  This week especially has been difficult.  Oddly enough, the actual “we are over” part has not been as bad as I feared.  I’m actually pretty okay.  It’s been a relief.  All the pressure and misery is lifted.  I come home and people are consistent and pleasant.  Nobody hates me or yells at me or stomps around angrily.  (He just called as I was writing and ended up yelling and screaming at me.   Whatever.)

A n y w a y, the lighter stuff.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Hubby and I had talked about a list of stuff I would be taking, and he talked about “why?”.  He said he’d replaced me because I was such a slut I’d made him feel unsafe.  He’d taken away his love.  RollerGirl had been willing to make commitments to him that I hadn’t at the time and that made him feel safe.  (Namely we’d opened our marriage and agreed to date others and she’d agreed to see only him for a while.)  He said he was also realizing he wanted more kids.  He would like to raise a family with someone he loves and I cannot have children after our 3 miscarriages.  RollerGirl can have children and has a young child now that Hubby is crazy about.  It was the most tender of my tender spots.

It was kind of a sucker punch.  I’m a slut and he wants a family that I can’t give him.  At least I finally understood why.  I can’t give him a family and my sexuality made him feel unsafe.  Okay.  Time to move on.

I took my tender feelers out to dinner with the girls.  We’d planned it a week and a half ago and I was glad we had.  We talked only briefly about my junk and then moved on to better things.  We laughed our asses off, talking about dating and life.  Traveler’s wife, his girlfriend Peaches and I just enjoyed the night.  We ate good food and commiserated.  We dished.  It was one of the worst days of my life and my face hurt from laughing and my muscles had the relief only a good orgasm or evening laughing can give you. Continue reading

Let's Try that One Again

Sigh.  A bunch of developments.  I need to blog twice a day to keep up. 

Let’s start with the good and end with the good. I’ll sandwich the bad in the sugar layers. 

First, I had my second date with Cleveland.  It was supposed to be just a nice little dinner.  Heh.  I like the chemistry with that guy.  Damn.  He has this one really naughty smile.. and when he kisses me, his hand wrapped tightly in my hair… Continue reading