Vulnerable and Real

So, I’ve been an emotional mess.

I’m tired. This is the worst quarter of grad school and I’ve just been… emotional. I’m so tired. I haven’t slept as much or had much time for rest. I’ve been spending too much time alone. I’ve felt this deep neediness and insecurity and loneliness. My brain has not been nice.

We studied these attachment theories, which honestly I fucking hate. We read all of this stuff about kids who didn’t have stable caregivers and how they are fucked for life, how their brains wire poorly and they develop abnormal amygdalas. I just read all of this shit, and it’s all about people like me. They talked about children like me, who’s moms abandoned them and how we cannot form secure attachments and are permanently and irreversibly broken. They talked about kids who’s parents were neglectful, and absent and the children they raise who cannot regulate emotion and can’t form normal connections. And fuck, I hate that.  I hate it.

I hate the idea that someone would read this and think, “well that explains it. Poor fucked up girl. Of course she is this way.”

And then I’m reading this other stuff about how humans crave connection. We need trust and belonging. We are wired from birth to attach and connect and seek intimacy in all kinds of forms. We are balls of fear and longing with center cores of gushy love. We all want to be seen and heard. Continue reading

Fun Too.

Traveler and I have a lot of work we need to do on our projects but this weekend he wanted to take a little break from them.  I felt bad at first and hoped I hadn’t made him feel I wouldn’t want to help him with renovations and yard work and all the things we partners help each other with.  He’s been working so hard at work and at home and I know he needs the help.

He asked me to help with a list of things that I have some knowledge with, and told me he’s been struggling a little and stressed out about it.  This week he ended up having to put in an electrical repair that would have been a lot easier with help.  All the work is sort of dangling over his head and there’s just SO MUCH to do on the project at his house.  I know he hated to ask for my help and doesn’t like admitting that he needs it, but it made me feel good and loved and necessary, and I love being able to support him and Quinky on this project with all of the little things Traveler and I can work together on to contribute.

I can’t help with the really stressful stuff, the planning and the paying for it and the living in a reno zone, but I can make a really valuable contribution and help Traveler with the construction and labor and electric stuff and take a teeny bit of that burden off of his shoulders.  He would have to do a bunch of it alone otherwise, and there’s already soooo much on his plate.  and I love it.  I love working with him.  It’s a huge part of our relationship, this way we work together and us having our little projects.  I’m not happy Traveler has so much to worry about, but I am happy I can help.  So often it was him or Quinky helping me that it makes me feel better to give back.  And sometimes they spoil me with awesome food or whatever for the efforts.  Win/Win.

But, even with all of the things Traveler has to worry about on this project, today he just wanted to go and have fun.  We are headed to Woodinville to pick up his wine from a club and to try a few places, just for a few hours before an art meeting.  And then we have some frisky plans.  🙂  God I love frisky plans!  We had hoped to meet a new unicorn for a drink, but it didn’t pan out.  Sadly Yarn Hooker met a great guy and is getting monogamous.  We’re thrilled to death for her and nobody deserves it more though.

So next weekend we really really really have to do some work.  We got derailed last week and we are missing this week.  But tonight it’s just us and our little plans and designs for fun and friskiness.  And then there are fun plans in the morning too.  I love working with Traveler and will happily do it for all the weekends to come, but it’s nice to just kick up our heels, even with the crushing list of things to do and even with his project falling a little behind waiting on us.  When your man says he needs a break and wants to do fun and naughty things with you, who isn’t a little giddy?  To be wanted and needed and loved…To have a partnership that really supports each other…And to have the man you love tell you he just needs to be with you and wants to have a little fun!? …Fabulous!


*** to avoid serious vague-blogging drama queen stuff… I am completely and utterly okay.  This is an observation of a moment and a snippet of a broader feeling.  It’s just a way to get it out.  I repeat… I am okay.  It’s just expressing a thing.***

All we have to see

Is that I don’t belong to you

And you don’t belong to me, yeah yeah

Freedom, freedom, freedom

You’ve gotta give for what you take

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If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” ~ Harvey Fierstein

I’m going to talk about commitment.  Wait?  I’m open and polyamorous.  Commitment?  I thought I was allowed to and always wanted to be allowed to date and fuck and love others?

Yep.  I have this freedom and I don’t wanna give it up or ask my partners to give it up.  I’m talking about commitment, but not necessarily sexual fidelity.  The two are exclusive and can exist with or without each other.

group marriage

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Cherry Popping

Okay.  It’s the cherry popping.  The first blog, the blank page.. ahh the possibilities.  I love possibilities.  Isn’t that a big part of why I identify as polyamorous?

First, I guess I should say what the “rebel yell” of polyamory is to me.  If you want to know what others think it is or find some cool definitions, there’s lots of sources for great info.  I am partial to, which has wonderful message boards and a great little online community.  Just FYI.

To me, to lowly ol’ unofficial me though, polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, or dating/sleeping-with/loving/connecting/partnering/etc with more than one person with the full knowledge and consent of all parties.  It is NOT cheating.  It is NOT random hookups and is different from swinging.  Bear in mind this is all MY opinion.

I know that swingers sometimes have deep and meaningful connections to their partners and sometimes poly people have little connection with a partner other than sex.  Not everyone is PURE poly or PURE swinger.  I am just saying that to me, polyamory is about relationships with more than one person and about ethical non-monogamy.  People can call themselves whatever the hell they choose as far as I’m concerned. I don’t feel the need to define your relationships.

My husband and I are committed to and deeply in love with each other.  We have a great relationship, a great sex life, and have been together 12 years.  Seriously.. he’s the cat’s pajamas.  We played with the idea of swinging for a while, as a way to have some sexual variety and fun, but we just never took the plunge.  The tiny bit of research we did just didn’t pan out and we found the people we were meeting to be kind of … oh.. I’ll just say it, gross.  I’m not saying they weren’t attractive or that I am a fashion plate myself.  I’m just saying that I found the attitude of things to be sort of icky.  I liked casual sex back in the day.  I really did.  I spent my years sowing my wild oats and had a grand ol’ time.  My hubby is more of a “love guy”, but I was good at separating sex and love and caring and such.  It was fun.  But eventually, and this is just for me, I found that I wanted more.  I wanted to have sex with people I liked and that liked me.  I wanted to enjoy the conversation leading up to and after and I wanted to have humor and passion, connection, longing, lust, friction, concern, and sincerity in my sex.  It was just more fulfilling on more levels.  I became monogamous and settled down so I could really connect and more reliably get that.  Going back to random couplings just didn’t interest me enough to actually act.  Hubby felt the same way.

We found out about polyamory, had 47,000,000 conversations, and took the plunge.  To us, polyamory is opening ourselves to the possibility of first kisses and NRE (hopefully controlled- more about this later), learning about new people and new parts of ourselves, sexual variety and exploration, caring and friendship and love with wonderful people without any disrespect or harm to those we already love.  We’ve been dating about a month now, and it feels like more.  I’ve been researching and talking and reading, and now blogging, and it feels like coming home.  It feels like this is who I am and I’m finally allowed to be that.  I’m not an asshole for wanting.  I’m not awful for sometimes having a hard time closing down a whole aspect of my sexuality (I’m bisexual).  I take joy in my partners joy, most of the time, and he in mine.  I want him to be loved and love and to have great sex.  I want him to be free and to share that freedom with me.  We talk like never before and it has been a renaissance to our own relationship.  I feel closer.  He knows me.. really knows me.  He always has, but now he knows even those secret little parts of me, and he loves me.  It’s really hard to explain the joy of loving someone so much you want absolutely everything wonderful and good for them and to have them know every damn thing about you and love you so fiercely.  It’s not easy, at all.  It downright blows sometimes, the work I have to do on myself and on my relationships and communication, but it is right for me and mine.  That’s polyamory to me.  I reserve the right to change that and grow that and learn more, and that’s polyamory to me too.