The Magic Words

Words are magic.

I’ve been missing Traveler like crazy and it’s been like a revelation to get quick words or kisses from him.  We’ve gotten to chat a bit or talk quickly here and there while he’s been gone a week, but I’m mindful not to intrude while he’s traveling with Quinky.  It’s important to respect your partners time with their other partners.  Nothing is worse than not being allowed to have some time uninterrupted.

So, it’s good to hear he’s been having a cool time and that he’s missing me like crazy too.  It’s shocking how much my day is made by just a few little words.  I read them over and over.

straddle kissing

Kelly Balch photos

“I can’t stand being apart so long”

“I miss you”

“I can’t wait to see you”

“I wish you were here”

“Let’s get naked as soon as possible”

 

Swoon.  If you love someone, say it. If you’re crazy about someone, say it!  If you miss them like crazy too, say it!  It’s magic.

I can’t wait to be back where I belong.

He comes home tomorrow.  Happy sigh.

The Crystal Ball Broke

 

It starts out whole, crystal clear and flawless.  It begins.  It is honed and shined and unblemished.  You made it and it’s beautiful. And then it comes, the first little crack. You said that and they knew what you were doing.  A small occlusion from the jarring.  But it wasn’t that bad. The sun still glints the same way.  The ribbon of refracted light is still perfect.

crack.

crick.

crack.

broken glass

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And the light bends.  The rays just don’t fall the same.  You’re losing colors..violet.. blue.. fading in your rakishly high tales.  It’s still shiny and see through.  It’s still beautiful.  It’s still a treasure.  The weight and heft are left.  The shape is still smooth.  You can see the ribbon in there but we all think it’s okay.  It’s just the tiniest bit of damage.  And you’re sorry.  That was a one time thing, right?  We were just scared or sorry or confused or not ready.  We were thoughtless.

snap.

crack.

The little bitty cracks add up though.  Each one is like a teeny ball peen hammer.. ting… ting…

It’s a small deep crevice there in the middle.  The rainbow leaves.  But it’s still bright.  It’s still light.  It slides and tumbles in your hand. We whistle in our fake nonchalance.  It’s fine.  It’s fine.  Still so smooth.  But is that a rift?

CRACK!

snip.

tinkle.

The rift has reached the edge and you can feel the craze.  Your fingers worry it like a loose tooth.  They run over it and over it but they can’t make it smooth.  It’s there.  And you’re losing light.  It’s getting trapped in there, bouncing around off of the things you broke, the jagged edges in there.  You tell another one.  It’s easier now and though the consequences are more dire, you’re less concerned.  Do you not see it?  Or do you just care less?

CRACK….. snap… tinkle.

A sliver is shaved off and falls.  The rift has veins in several directions now, so much closer to the surface, and the ragged creviced edge has its own facets.  Do you not know how to stop it?  Do you not see it?  A whole side is gray and lifeless, unreachable.  The light that enters mostly dies.  And it feels inevitable, doesn’t it?  You say another one, another.  You can’t even smile while you do it anymore, can you?  Do you shrug?  Do you sting?  Is it like you can’t help yourself? Or are you numb?

We point our palms at the ground and our walk works to pulverize the shards.

 

Standard Operating Procedure

When I was in the Army we had these written manuals for almost everything.  They were called SOP’s or Standard Operating Procedures.  They are the things that explain how everything runs.  Writing an SOP means asking yourself about all kinds of conditions and practices and really defining what you know and what you’ve learned to be the best way to do things.  You often revise them, especially if you learn something.  And I realized I have an SOP of sorts for dating.  I’m not new at this anymore and I’ve worked out a few things for me.

SOP circuit
It’s not that I think people would ever need to jump through hoops to date me.  It’s that I’ve just asked myself a lot of questions and I have found some answers now.  Part of that is being an adult for a while.  Part of that is being poly for a while.  Part of that is bitter experience and part of it is reading other’s wisdom, talking to people about what works for them, and thinking about things.  I’ve published 578 blog posts.  I’ve also written 48 drafts that I kept and trashed 3 blogs and made about 10 blog posts private.  That in no way makes me an expert on bupkiss, but it does mean I’ve been thinking.

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Pleading

It’s strangely hard sometimes to find a good lover.  The emphasis here is on *good*.

I’ve had a little string on failed to launch associations and some incredible luck that made it not sting very much.

Traveler and I are still playing with our friend Yarn Hooker, and we had a little State of the Union the other night that left me very very grateful.  We’ve all been playing a while now and had what I would call amazing fun sexy times.  But I like her and I had this worry come up.  It makes me crazy when married poly guys want to date me and say they are poly but have these primary structures making anything like an actual relationship pretty hard.  I like casual sex and play friends and I like dating and being open to love.  What I don’t like is people wanting all the benefits of being a boyfriend with none of the commitment.  I won’t get on that soap box right now, but suffice it to say I’m about sick to fucking death of it.

So, then.. am I being an asshole with Yarn Hooker?  She’s a smart, beautiful, sexy, talented woman.  I like her.  Traveler likes her.  She seems to like us.  Things are going swimmingly.  But.. but.. are they?  I started to wonder.  So I asked. Continue reading

No Tit for Tatty

It’s easy to get panties in a bunch when we are titting-for-tatting or feeling we aren’t getting the whole story.  It’s easy to create a rivalry that doesn’t exist if we make it seem like the unfair or unpleasant things come from someone else.  People start to feel like “hey, wait a minute”.. and our brains work to create problems that don’t exist because we humans are good at finding explanations for our feelings.

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org/blog/k1/uploads/2013/08/tit_for_tat_k0nsl.jpg

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org

For example: If you tell me that you are going out with someone and you are excited and like this and that and expect this to happen, and you go and have a good time and roughly the things you said would happen happen, I feel safe and included and informed and like I’m on the inside.  I am informed and feel no need to guess or create explanations for my feelings of uncertainty.  I know the facts.  I’m good.

If however, you try to spare my feelings by saying you’re going out with this person but you don’t know really if you feel like it and this person isn’t really all that appealing and nothing is gonna happen, and then you go out and things happen and you clearly are pretty nuts about them, I get scared.  You’re managing me.  You’re trying to downplay what you are feeling or what you want and it doesn’t match what you are telling me.  This makes me feel I can’t trust you and I am on the outside.  I feel scared and not included.  My brain works to explain the gap between what I am being told and what I am observing.  I feel unsafe.

Soooo many times when I communicate poorly I do this.  Continue reading

Tug of War?

We are officially not in the land of new relationships and it’s complicated sometimes.  Sometimes we do it very well and sometimes we fumble a bit and work to figure it out.  Traveler and I had a little fritzy-bit, nothing huge, but just a thing between the two of us and something we worked out.  And then another totally unrelated one a little after.  It seems simple at first, but it’s actually not.  I just wanna share how sometimes the answer isn’t a simple thing with one person right and one person wrong.

I was a little nervous about some new social engagements and Traveler very sweetly said he’d go to a couple of the things with me, one of which was Monday and one of which was coming up next weekend.  Then when we were planning our week this week he remembered and said that he’d come with me and said he’d like to come stay the night with me after.  I reminded him that Quinky Girl would be going too, and that was awesome.  We’d all go and he and he and I would come home together after. Cool.  I have to admit it’s nice to get to get the one he comes home with after a nice night where we all hung out.  It’s not a date but just a normal night and I get to have that too.  Kinda awesome and rad that such things aren’t just the domain of Traveler’s one partner.

That morning he asked me to pick up something for him for the potluck when I ran to the store.  He said to run it by Quinky to be sure we didn’t mess up whatever her plan was.  Excellent.  Good idea.  But I forgot to run it by her until the last minute and she was rushing out to get her things done and wasn’t able to coordinate with me.  She thought we’d all just all do our own thing but she didn’t know because I’d fucked up and not told her that Traveler had asked me to get stuff for him.  She and Traveler had worked out something after Traveler and I working out our thing that morning, but I didn’t know what.

Had she just told him what she was bringing and he still expected me to pick up what he’d asked me to, or had he talked about what he’d asked me to pick up and she was getting it now?  Or were they just doing something different?.  She was driving and couldn’t answer.  I was at the store and needed to make a decision.  Do I buy the stuff he thought he might want me to get but wasnt sure about or not?  I asked him.  He was at work and didn’t answer.  Shit.  I waited and the store and tried a little more but wasn’t able to reach anyone.  Okay.. no big deal.  I’d just buy what he’d asked me to and if we had too much or the wrong thing it’s not a big deal. Shrug.

Then he pops up and we make a plan.  He’ll be at my house by 645 to drop off his car and we’ll go back to his house to get Quinky since her dish would take a little more time.  Great.  I ran home and heated my meatballs fast.  I get ready super fast and end up waiting.  Around the time he’s supposed to be at my house he pops up again and says that Quinky’s dish is baking but will take a little longer and they’ll be ready at 730.  Um. Okay.  I ask “are you not coming here to drop off your car anymore?”  No answer.  Does he need to watch the oven?

He could still come here to drop off his car since the mushrooms will need almost an hour.  It’s 6:39 and he’s saying they’ll be done around 7:30.  I ask if he and Quinky are caravanning here then on the way to the potluck because he said he’d take the bridge and I live by it.  Are they dropping off his car later?  No answer.  I’m a little annoyed.  What happened to our plan?  Why is he not telling me anything?  I guess the plan changed.

I sat there waiting some more.

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war.  From http://www.heritageradiott.com

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war. From http://www.heritageradiott.com

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Sexy Times Are Lovely Learning Experiences

It’s been mostly real and hard to talk about lately.. good stuff.. just deeper and harder to say, closer to the chest. And then there is sexy adventure.  😉 Traveler and I took a vacation to Idaho for skiing and had a wonderful time. It was so bonding and so wonderful.  All the good talks and all the good meals and all the fun was had.  It was nice just to be together, marveling at the joy of just having time.  red head waterAnd we met our lovely smart funny sexy blogger friend.  The conversation was one of those great ones that is all over and we soon talked like old friends, excitedly sharing info and relating.  It was one of those conversations were I learned a lot of Traveler’s thoughts too on things.  And she was so very sexy, mesmerizing with her beautiful mind and sexy hourglass curves and the enticing slant of her smile. I worry a little that I pushed things maybe further than they were naturally though.  It seemed like flirting and fun were welcome and the kisses fiery and sweet and everyone consented to and seemed to enjoy everything.  Late into the night we found ourselves naked and playing, Traveler and my friend and me. and it was all good, wonderful even, beyond the orgasms and the excitement, but I worried maybe I pushed things.  I would have been happy to just have those kisses, and it was hot, all of it, the kisses and play and all the sexy times that came after, but it’s just something I’ll think of in future situations, to not push so much because I’d rather be left with no doubt and be sure that nobody ever feels pushed and that no hesitancy, however minor, is ignored.  Everyone seemed to have fun and in the morning we all checked in and were good.  In no way was the evening or all that happened a bad thing.  I just want to be sure I always learn what I can. I love what threesomes teach me about myself, about someone new, and about my partner.  I’m still processing good things.

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com