Conflict

“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
Piers Anthony

I hate conflict.  But I also sometimes create it or add to it.  Sometimes my feelings bubble up and I can’t hold them back and they come spilling out in a mess.  And I spend a LOT of time apologizing for that when it happens.  I know how much it sucks, and for someone who hates conflict it is the literal worst.  It feels like I betray myself.

Otherwise, I avoid conflict with anyone I care about. Even if it has nothing to do with me.  Even if I have a legitimate beef with you… Even if I caught you lying.. if you were mean or unfair or cruel.. even if you were the one that treated me badly, my tendency is to want to take the hit if it will just end this gnashing of teeth.  The FIRST thing I think when anyone I care about is upset is, “what did I do?”  I apologize for my feelings.  I apologize for wanting.  I apologize for being a mess and for needing.  I apologize for having felt hurt.   Continue reading

Unrest

I’m tired.  I slept about 3.5 hours the night before last and woke yesterday at 3am with a vicious nightmare.  The first nightmare in this little series about about a week ago and I woke gasping and trying to pull the plastic bag off of my head that had been there in my dream.  I was terrified and cried with relief to wake up.

Last night right before I woke I lay bleeding and dying on the floor.  I was in agony and everything in my body hurt.  I knew I was dying and I could feel my own heart slowing as I bled to death.  I was mostly naked and cold, on the hard floor and they were gathered around me, laughing and watching me die.  I tried to crawl away from them with the last bits of whatever I had in me.  I could tell that there were people past these tormentors.  People I cared about were impossibly far away and couldn’t hear me.  I didn’t want to die with these people.  I needed to get past them.

They’d block my path or kick me now and then, thwart my progress and laugh at how pathetic I was.  I was weaker and weaker but I couldn’t lay my head down here.  I would not let them have my death and I was realizing with each passing minute of my tortured crawling that it was inevitable.  My breathing was getting ragged and I was getting colder.  Someone stepped on my hand and crushed it.  I cried out with fresh sharp pain as the bones in my hand broke.  I cried dry tears.  I woke up to Traveler rocking me and telling me I was safe.  I held him to stop death and cried.  He was so warm.  I couldn’t stop crying for just a minute.  I have had a hangover all day.  I felt wrenched and wrung out.

At lunch I watched cat videos on YouTube and I had a brief and beautiful conversation with Quinky Girl where I got to bask in her happiness today and I smiled.  I feel like the weight has been lifting all day, but I’d still really like to curl up with ice cream and a movie that is so fluffy and vapid that half of everything is pink and sparkly.

I have a date tonight and I’m excited about that underneath my numb and I hope I’m not a shitty date.  I can’t cancel because it’s really early in our association and we just don’t have enough water under the bridge for flakiness yet.  He doesn’t know me and I don’t have any credit built up.  So I’m going to listen to more good music and make a nice meal and hope for kisses maybe.  I hope he’ll understand if I need to get to bed early tonight, even if it is the weekend and it’s been a while coming.

I don’t know that it’s the nightmare that lingers as much as the hour or so afterward that I stayed in my bed thinking and not being tired, afraid to sleep again.  I fell asleep eventually but it took a long long time.  I am feeling better in general and I feel like a lot of things are working out, but I don’t have solutions or even ideas for solutions for some things.  My mind worries thoughts like a sore tooth because I just can’t see my options.  It feels like there are spots here that have a very thin crust.  But maybe that’s just the voice in the dark.  I think it might be.

Tug of War?

We are officially not in the land of new relationships and it’s complicated sometimes.  Sometimes we do it very well and sometimes we fumble a bit and work to figure it out.  Traveler and I had a little fritzy-bit, nothing huge, but just a thing between the two of us and something we worked out.  And then another totally unrelated one a little after.  It seems simple at first, but it’s actually not.  I just wanna share how sometimes the answer isn’t a simple thing with one person right and one person wrong.

I was a little nervous about some new social engagements and Traveler very sweetly said he’d go to a couple of the things with me, one of which was Monday and one of which was coming up next weekend.  Then when we were planning our week this week he remembered and said that he’d come with me and said he’d like to come stay the night with me after.  I reminded him that Quinky Girl would be going too, and that was awesome.  We’d all go and he and he and I would come home together after. Cool.  I have to admit it’s nice to get to get the one he comes home with after a nice night where we all hung out.  It’s not a date but just a normal night and I get to have that too.  Kinda awesome and rad that such things aren’t just the domain of Traveler’s one partner.

That morning he asked me to pick up something for him for the potluck when I ran to the store.  He said to run it by Quinky to be sure we didn’t mess up whatever her plan was.  Excellent.  Good idea.  But I forgot to run it by her until the last minute and she was rushing out to get her things done and wasn’t able to coordinate with me.  She thought we’d all just all do our own thing but she didn’t know because I’d fucked up and not told her that Traveler had asked me to get stuff for him.  She and Traveler had worked out something after Traveler and I working out our thing that morning, but I didn’t know what.

Had she just told him what she was bringing and he still expected me to pick up what he’d asked me to, or had he talked about what he’d asked me to pick up and she was getting it now?  Or were they just doing something different?.  She was driving and couldn’t answer.  I was at the store and needed to make a decision.  Do I buy the stuff he thought he might want me to get but wasnt sure about or not?  I asked him.  He was at work and didn’t answer.  Shit.  I waited and the store and tried a little more but wasn’t able to reach anyone.  Okay.. no big deal.  I’d just buy what he’d asked me to and if we had too much or the wrong thing it’s not a big deal. Shrug.

Then he pops up and we make a plan.  He’ll be at my house by 645 to drop off his car and we’ll go back to his house to get Quinky since her dish would take a little more time.  Great.  I ran home and heated my meatballs fast.  I get ready super fast and end up waiting.  Around the time he’s supposed to be at my house he pops up again and says that Quinky’s dish is baking but will take a little longer and they’ll be ready at 730.  Um. Okay.  I ask “are you not coming here to drop off your car anymore?”  No answer.  Does he need to watch the oven?

He could still come here to drop off his car since the mushrooms will need almost an hour.  It’s 6:39 and he’s saying they’ll be done around 7:30.  I ask if he and Quinky are caravanning here then on the way to the potluck because he said he’d take the bridge and I live by it.  Are they dropping off his car later?  No answer.  I’m a little annoyed.  What happened to our plan?  Why is he not telling me anything?  I guess the plan changed.

I sat there waiting some more.

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war.  From http://www.heritageradiott.com

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war. From http://www.heritageradiott.com

Continue reading

And What If They Suck?

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image of a fortune cooking saying “mind your own business” found at- http://freeisbeautiful.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/MYOB-Cookie.jpg

I have to start this out by saying, my metamours (partners partners) DO NOT SUCK.  This post is more of a general post.  I’ll admit that I’ve had these conversations with my metas and with my partners and others and I’ll admit that from time to time I’ve seen some of this stuff. Sometimes, much to our consternation, our partners are gonna pick people that we wouldn’t pick.

Recently I met a guy online that worked for a while with one of my partners.  I told my partner I’d met this guy online and he said only “Oh.  That’s cool.  Maybe meet him in person before you make any decisions”.  It turns out this guy was maybe a little bit nutty.  Afterwards I asked my partner why he didn’t warn me.  He said that he didn’t want to meddle and he had no way of knowing how this guy conducted relationships, of course.  He said he didn’t want to appear protective or to influence me into not dating someone if I liked them.

We try to not meddle in each others relationships. Beyond matters of safety, it’s honestly none of my business.  I choose for myself how involved I am with the people my partner is dating.  Some of them I have become absolutely loving with and some I see now and then.  I haven’t always liked everyone that dated everyone I dated and I likely won’t.  What matters in who my partner dates is who THEY want.  Now, clearly if my partner has issues with partner selection and maturity, that’s gonna be an issue eventually.  But it will be an issue between my love and I, not between me and who they date.  Take for example dudes that seek out youngin’s all the time.

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classic black and white image of a well dressed man saying “chill out slut” found at http://www.funnyjunk.com

I am 39 years old, almost 40.  I don’t date 20 year olds because they are simply too young for me.  It’s a maturity thing. Continue reading

By the Way…!

It’s official and the entire world reads this damn thing.  One of my roommates found the blog and recognized our livingroom in a pic of shelves I built.

A) One of my roommates is trying to work with me to find a compromise because hearing me have sex bothers her.  Before you jump on that, I’d like you to know why I’m trying to work on this with her and really try to see it from both sides.  I like living here and I like my roommates, as I said.  It’s also important to me that we are ALL as comfortable as is reasonable in our home, which I also said.  It’s just as clear to me that I cannot have any kind of sex I like here, because I’m the only one that matters, as it is to me that a roommate cannot expect that adults will quit having sex or have to make it impossible for their roommates to tell that sex is happening at all.

So we are taking some steps.  For starters I’m going to let her know the evenings that I have dates so she can choose or not choose to work around those days.  I know it’s not something that adults should have to do, but I’m trying to help.  We are also talking about a white noise machine, me continuing to be reasonable with the noise and using my music, and maybe having her consider some kind of headphones or playing the TV or something.  We are going to keep working on it and we had a nice opening conversation about it.  The other roommate said she hasn’t been disturbed at all since things have been quiet.

B) I did not mean to imply that my roommates were prudish.  I don’t think that about them.

C) The loud stupid sex I totally understood and stopped.  I felt so stupid but I hadn’t had roommates for nearly 15 years and just wasn’t thinking.  The quieter sex though I was frustrated to think would be upsetting or would become a wedge making things weird in the house.  Being able to tell sex is happening (not loud obnoxious sex but normal sex) is a thing most adults accept.

 

Tell-Tale Cumming

ImageI’m having a little difficulty with my roommates. I live in a house with two other women, one actually had heard of polyamory when I first looked at the place. Not only that, but she seemed kinda positive about it when I disclosed before I said I’d take it, originally as a play space. She seemed clear and positive about the entire poly thing. I was clear that I’d have dates here with a few people, at the time planning a max of about 3 days a week. I felt that I should just be honest about everything and if it was a bad fit I’d have kept looking. I don’t want to sign a lease and have my roommates plot my demise.

I came here as a play space for a few months and then moved in a few months later when things went south with Hubby. I checked with the roomies before the move in and all was well. I accidentally was a jerk roommate when I first moved in. I had pretty loud sex a bunch of times. After a bit we had a house meeting and they let me know that they could hear me having sex and mildly complained that it was a bit much. They were totally right and I apologized profusely and immediately changed my ways. I hadn’t thought about all of our windows open and sound traveling. I hadn’t had roommates in a long time. I made sure I was a lot quieter and played music and/or used my fan to mask other tell-tale sounds. Things were smooth for a bit. Continue reading