Adieu

Traveler is about to travel a lot again for a while.  Dammit.  Over the next few months he’s gone during the week more than he is home.  Eh.  It is what it is.  I used to be a Navy wife.  It’s been a while but I got this.

Having said all of that… I’m spoiled.  I’m used to seeing him a few nights a week. So I’m soaking it all up now.  And this coming weekend we are off to a ski vacation together.  It’s 4 days and one really sweet mountain, a condo with a private hot-tub on a river, a snuggly fireplace, walking distance to cocktails and a well stocked kitchen to cook in together.  AND, I’m finally meeting a sexy blogger friend.  I’m not gonna lie people.  I have no expectations and no assumptions, but I have hope.

A backlit couple kiss underwater in the deep

A backlit couple kiss underwater in the deep

I. am. stoked.

And Traveler sent himself off this week with a date to tide me over.

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Sharing

I love it when I hit a little jag and spiral on a sexy interest.  It fascinates and excites me.

couple on computer

I’m still having fun chatting with people from Craigslist, even if I met a couple people that were totally not a good fit, one that totally was a great fit and that never contacted me again, and one that I had the fun night with.  But an old desire might be eclipsing my little jaunt into the world of rare and fun casual sex with dudes from Craigslist.

It’s women.  More specifically it’s women to share.

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My Love. Hmm. My love.

A man looking at a woman caressing his face found at: http://1.bp.blogspot.com

A man looking at a woman caressing his face found at: http://1.bp.blogspot.com

My love.  Hmm.. my love.

My fingers happily remember the trace of your face.  Your skin, glowing with trapped sunshine, is velveteen and warm.  I trace my fingertips so lightly on your face and trail them down your jaw, reveling in the way you tip up your chin, tilt your head back, and sigh.  Your mouth curves in a smile at the pleasure of my touch.  And my fingers slide, electrons dancing between us, down your throat and along your collar bone.  My touch is the lightest of touches, magic fingers dancing lightly and slowly on the curves on your collar bone.  Your eyes open and meet mine, and your mouth parts just the slightest bit to allow you to sigh.

I pull your mouth down onto mine.  I kiss you.  Your mouth is soft and warm and gives to me.  I love the throaty way you hum when I kiss you.  I like to tease my lips on yours before pressing warm and soft.  I pull your body to me.

I could look at you forever.  I love every curve of your face.  I love your brow and your hairline and I can’t stop touching everything.  I love your nose and your soft ears.  I love your tiny lines, your face still so youthful and becoming more handsome with time.  I love the molasses you release in me with your kisses.  I love the dizzying way I feel drunk with you.  Exchanging breath with you, touching, looking, tasting, I feel my need arise.  I can feel my blood coming to the surface of my skin and my warm flush of response to you.  I smile naughtily.  I love everything that is in your eyes right now. Continue reading

Talk about Sex? Who'd a Thunk It?

Movie title for Young Visiters from http://ia.media-imdb.com

Movie title for Young Visiters from http://ia.media-imdb.com

One of the nice things about living openly is that my old friend coming into town means I get to have fun introducing him to the people in my life without worry.  All of them have asked me “Is it okay to talk freely?”, “Are there things.. ahem.. he shouldn’t know?”.  Nope.  I had to laugh too because people have asked if he’d delicate, or if he’d judge them because they were going through something, or if they should “behave around him”.  Heh.

The idea that I’d be close friends with someone for 13 years and they’d be delicate or easily offended makes me laugh.

Ph.D, my friend, visited from Colorado.  He came to this academic conference and to see me and have a good time.  He is not, in fact, delicate nor easily offended.  And I told everyone when they asked to speak freely.  I’m not sure what would shock or offend my dear Ph.D, but I’m quite sure my friends and loves would have to struggle mightily to find it.  On the flip side, he asked and I let him know that he could talk to my loves and my friends about anything.  Hell, a few people at my work know a little bit about my life and if others found out I’d be relieved.  When I began my job 5 years ago I was a very happily married monogamous woman.

We opened up, and a couple of years later broke up (not directly related) and it’s hard to figure out how to say “by the way I’m in love with a man I’ve been dating almost 2 years, some of which was when I was married to my husband”.  Well.. actually that kinda answers that.  You say something like that I guess.  Or maybe you just leave off the dates.  Maybe you just say you’re in an open relationship with these two guys and it’s working.  I’m going to do exactly that eventually.  When we talk about what we all did on the weekend, or plans, I mention that I did this with a man I’m dating.  I know they assume I’m either not dating these men very seriously, or that the more relationship stuff is all the same man.  Whatever.  If I ever have good reason I’m fine with outing myself at work.  I sort of think (like a friend says) that poly people have a responsibility to out themselves in casual situations.  I think this is how acceptance starts, with familiarity.

Earnest looking character from "The Young Visiters" (yes spelled that way) from http://www.movie-roulette.com

Earnest looking character from “The Young Visiters” (yes spelled that way) from http://www.movie-roulette.com

So, yep.. good visit with Ph.D.  I was going to write a much longer and more in depth post about this, but well.. I’m not.  The visit was wonderful.  I loved having my friend here and loved some time with him.  Oh?  You hear a but?  Yeah.  There is a but. Continue reading

Time After Time

Not surprisingly time is at a premium in multiple relationships.  There is a poly saying about it.  “Love might be limitless, but time and attention are not”.  Halleluiah and Amen.

ImageI’ve gotten to spend more time with Traveler lately and have hopes to spend more with Cleveland.  I don’t know exactly what changed with Traveler or why he has been more available or wanting to schedule more time with me, but fuck I like it.  We’ve still had our dates, but we’ve had time for other things too.. skiing here and there, a dinner, a night at World of Warcraft, a dinner and a snuggle.  I love it.  I absolutely love it.  I can’t get enough of that man and I’m exceedingly grateful for all of it.  Of course I love our time at Murder events too, and that’s increased as well, but it’s different.  It fills another need and it’s another thing to be grateful for.  What it feels like though, between him and I, is like maybe he’s letting me just a little bit more in.  His wife told me once that it takes about 5 years to really get to know him, and I’d believe it.  I feel I’m still here in the beginning a year and a half in.  But man, is it glorious slowly being let into his world and having him in mine!

I’ve also been having two date nights a week with Cleveland.  Sadly they still aren’t overnights or weekends, but I do have hopes that this is temporary.  It doesn’t feel good to be falsely capped, but It’s enough time that we actually have time to do other things sometimes, taking walks and going to coffee or just getting out a bit here and there, enjoying trivia or whatever.  It’s nice not to feel like every second is precious and rare date time that must be spent in some datey pursuit.  We actually had our first little bicker.  He was critiquing the way I added bitters to our drinks, and then the way my television aspect is set.  I was getting nice and thoroughly annoyed at him thinking his way was the best way for everything and I snipped.  We got snippy.  Afterwards we laughed.  Bickering is kinda real.  It’s a good thing.  We aren’t so polite.

A stop watch obscured by rain

A stop watch obscured by rain

I’ve also gotten to spend some time with Quinky Girl.  We’ve been having a dinner here and there, sometimes with or without Traveler, and I love it.  She’s a busy busy woman with work and her other relationship too, and it means a lot to me that she’s made time to include me in her life here and there.  The other day she called me down to a local place to look at kitchens with her and Traveler.  I love house porn (looking at houses, planning houses, dreaming about houses and renovations).  It’s funny too how close our tastes actually are, my love of clear unique or vintage-like fancy lights not withstanding.  It’s fun to be included, as moral support or motivation.  It’s fun to get to watch them make decisions and dream.  It’s good to be loved with time and attention.The hard part of time is that it’s limited.

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I like It Like That

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I have to tell you that I want you.  I feel my hunger growing.  I’m surprised to find myself coming alive again, and feeling my want uncurling like tendrils of a growing fern.  Even as I’m scared I feel this little… bitty.. stir. 

I don’t know if everything is really different or if anything really changed, but I feel different.  Knowing what I know, I feel like everything is different.  I feel different about me.  I feel different about my situation and I wonder exactly how different I’ll actually be.  I feel like I did after my motorcycle accident.  I was told I was clear to ride and it had been six weeks and I wanted to get back in that saddle and I wanted to feel the wind again, but I was scared of what might happen.  It was different to me.  I knew now in a much more real way my own mortality and fragility.  But I do things I’m afraid of because I’m afraid of them. 

I’m not afraid of you.  I’m not afraid of what we are together because I know that’s good.  I’m actually afraid you won’t want me now.  I feel marked or something, like you’d find me in the scratch and dent.  I’m not like everyone else now.  I’m afraid you’ll be afraid of me.  People are afraid of people like me now. 

I’m afraid that I’ll stroke the side of your face and that I’ll kiss you in the slow calling way I kiss you when I want you, and you’ll recoil.  I’m afraid I’ll run my hands on your spine and pull you against me and your breath won’t catch and you won’t make that sound you make when I kiss the little depression by where your neck meets your body.  I’m afraid your skin will still taste like you and smell like you and I’ll get carried away by my want of you, like I do, and you’ll be stone.  Will you be able to close your eyes and tilt your head back and sigh?  Will my magic fingers work their spells anymore?  Or will you be saying over and over in your mind that I’m different now.  You can’t see it or smell it or taste it or touch it and you would hardly know it’s there.. but I found out and I told you, so can you see me past it? 

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Whatever it is about me that calls to you and gives me the same power over you that you have over me, will it still be there?  Will I be red hair and green eyes and pale pale skin?  Will I be kisses and touches and breath?  Will I be chemistry and love, passion and desire?  Or am I something else to you now?  Am I still the woman you want?  Am I the woman that you love?  Am I still me, to you?

I want you. 

I want everything I have with you.

I want you to kiss me and I want to feel the way your body reacts to that.  I want all of your kisses, the small and light and hard and long.  I want the taste of you on my tongue.  I want us to exchange breath like we do, intense.  I want your eyes and the way they pinpoint me and catch me in your gaze.  I love how you can delight me with your loving gaze and thrill me with the way you study me and watch me react to you.  I love your glee when you make me shudder. I love your mirth when I gasp and say so low.. “oh god.  oh god.. yes”.  I know you love the way I respond to your touch, to the things you say and to your naughty ideas.  I love all the kinds of sex I have with you, but right now I’m craving the one that touches everywhere. It’s mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.  Fuck it if that sounds too woo-woo. 

I love everything about that sex… the touching the taste smell heart mind sweat soul body need want love ache love friction. I love barely touching, electrons dancing in my touch.  I love that I can’t stop kissing you and that you say my name and tell me you love me over and over and over.  I love you on my tongue and my hands and my mind.  I love that very first moment when you enter me and I feel you slllllllllide home as I open to you. Already I am so very wet.  I love it when you tell me you can feel how wet I am.  I love it when you say I’m so warm.  I love you hitting bottom and pushing just  a  little  bit  more.  Ohhhh. 

I grind against you, loving the little ache and wanting more more more.  It’s passion and connection, moving with you, gaining momentum and power.  I am in your eyes and you are in mine.  We are there in that moment, not thinking.  We are breathing and want.  We are writhing, shivering, taking the sharpest little intakes of breath and breathing deeply too, slowly, so slowly.  You lips, your face, your tongue, your fingers, your cock, your hands.. oh god.  I want everything about you.  I revel in everything you do.  I love the way you touch me.  I love the way you fuck me.  I never never want to stop.  I want to move like this for hours, till we fall on the bed in a pool of sweat and satiety.  I want to not know if that is my sweat or yours.  I want my heart as full of you as my pussy.  I want to bathe you in my sex and I want to leave you smelling of me.  I want you to call forth the flood and I want to flow over you.  I want to feel you too.  I want you to come inside me and not leave.  I want to dance my fingers on your skin as I feel you shrink inside me.  I want to feel your cum leaking out of where we are joined.  I want to hold you tight against me as we return to earth and things other than us come into focus. 
I want you.  I want you as I’ve always wanted you.  More.  I want everything about you and I want you to want me too.  Please tell me that hasn’t changed.  Please touch me.  Come closer.  I need to see in your eyes that I’m still me to you.  I need to see that you want me.  I need you to tell me and I need you to show me.  I want you.  I have to tell you that I want you and that hunger is back.. and it’s growing.

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Taking Stock

ImageI was paid a few very nice compliments this past weekend, and I have to say they are making me feel a lot more secure.  Of course it’s also helped that I’ve been writing (off line) about my stuff and tracing it back and having a few good realizations.  Knowing where a lot of this recent insecurity is coming from is helping, as is making a plan to mitigate it.  And well.. it didn’t hurt that I had some dates with my honeys that were maybe some of the best dates I’ve ever had. Continue reading