Maybe It Needed to Hurt

I lost a patient today.  A 32 year old man who came back fucked up from Afganistan, with a wife and three children, and schizophrenia that set in while he was in country, died today.  We don’t know if he messed up taking his meds or if he did it on purpose.  All I could think was about his baby.  She is just over 6 months old and he’s brought her to group a number of times.  She’s a tiny olive-complected child, with soulful brown eyes and a tiny little mouth.  She’s the kind of baby that makes no noise.  She just stares in wonder at everything.  Her name is Sophia.

He’s a funny guy and a good dad.  He always came to group and he knew he has schizophrenia and wanted to do right by his kids.  He worked hard at his recovery, putting together a nice life for his family.  He had a big truck he washed every weekend and a really pretty wife.  He did homework with his kids.  He ushered at his church.

Traveler and Quinky Girl got back into town on Sunday night and I gave them back their keys and got kisses.  I’ve been achingly missing them while they were gone and it was so fucking nice to see them.  I sent Traveler a message yesterday morning telling him that I was looking forward to our date Friday or Saturday but that I really missed him and asking if we could have a dinner or a coffee or something before then.  He said he’d like to see me too and we scheduled Tuesday night, tonight.  We didn’t really have a specific plan.. just something with a snuggle, whatever.  This morning Quinky Girl popped up and asked if I’d like to have a little dinner with her and Traveler during the time I’d planned to have Traveler.  I missed her like crazy too, and I didn’t to miss out on seeing her too, so I said yes, but admitted I also really needed a few Traveler snuggles.  She’s totally cool like that and we set up our dinner.  Later in the afternoon she texted that Peaches was coming too.  I love Peaches and was excited about that, but I was bummed I wouldn’t get my snuggles.  Then my patient died.

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Love Abounds

ImageMy dog died today.  She became sick a few days ago and I found out because the Vet accidentally called me.  I still don’t know exactly what was wrong with her or what the vet said or what the treatment options were because my husband won’t share info with me or answer questions.  He did let me see her though.

I came to the house today and spend a few hours with her.  You could see her come and go in her eyes.  A few times her one eye rolled back in her head and had spasms.  She stood most of the time, looking confused.  She nearly fell a few times, she was so weak.  She had a huge accident right before I got there and threw up while I was there.  She was too weak to lower herself down to lay down, so I helped her.  I laid with her and petted her belly a while.  Her breathing was rapid for a bit, but she calmed when I lay with her and she drifted off to sleep when I sat up and she was mostly in my lap.  She was peaceful for a good long time in her sleep.

I told her everything I felt about her and thanked her again and again.  I told her she was a good dog and that I loved her and how grateful I was for her love all these years.  She helped me raise my stepdaughters and supported me through two of my husband’s deployments, the loss of my father, and so many times when I needed affection or love.

ImageEvery dog walker or dog sitter we’ve ever had has offered to watch her for free just to be with her because she was just such a loving and gentle soul.  Three friends visited her for the therapeutic value of her love and acceptance.  She just radiated good.  I’ve never met a human or animal that radiated that kind of utter goodness and love.  Many people over the years commented on it.  I consider myself blessed to have shared my life with such an amazing being.

When my husband threw me away for Rollergirl, leaving Leeloo (my dog) was actually harder than leaving him.  I don’t make a lot of money and couldn’t afford a place with a dog or the care and feeding of a dog.   Continue reading