Dating isn't for Sissies..

As Quinky Girl and I begin to date anew, and as I read posts on the board for people dating on OKC, I find again that dating isn’t for sissies.

from onlinedatingmagazine.com

from onlinedatingmagazine.com

Guys talk about sending out messages by the boat-full and hearing silence.  Women are beaten by messages demanding things, insulting, cat-fishing, and basically just yelling “LOOK AT MY DICK!  LET ME PUT IT PLACES!!!”

Everyone is asking, “Does it really have to be this hard?”.  I see that time and again in the craigslist postings and the Adult Friend Finder profiles and the OKC profiles and messages.  Women make laundry lists of rules trying to weed out the obnoxious shit we get and men sound a little panicked that nobody seems to want to engage them, much less ride them.

Then you meet someone interesting.

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Well Kiss My Grits

*** Just a small correction.  I accidentally gave the impression that I was upset and one of my relationships was in trouble or something.  That’s clumsy writing and not the case at all.  I was disgruntled and disappointed about one tiny bit of a plan being messed up, not the whole enchilada.  Sorry about that!  So, clarification.  My relationships are good and I’m happy.. almost goofily so.  I was just venting about a disappointment and a sticky minute.  Having gotten to do that, I feel a lot better and things are still totally cool.  They were the whole time.  I was talking about a small part of a plan, not a whole association.  :)***

 

I know it’s not a misunderstanding.  I didn’t get it wrong.  I am aware I didn’t.  We put it there in black and white together and excitedly discussed the plan a bunch of times, laying out all of the maybes and talked about our lists of fun shit to do.  They changed their minds and don’t want the plan any more.  They had to change it.  When I balked I had slippery sand for my feet, so I said “I guess it’s just a misunderstanding”.  I was trying to save my face and not admit my disappointment because they were making me feel small for protesting.  It worked.

I know it isn’t a misunderstanding and they know it isn’t too.

“I thought this and I didn’t think it’d be a huge deal”.

What am I going to do?  Demand they want what they said they wanted?  Throw a fit over something small and rather insignificant, even if it is a wrench right in the middle?  Make a big deal over something so tiny?

Nope.  They know I’m not fooled and are giving me an out too.  They’re letting me say it doesn’t matter.  I’m disappointed.  Stuff I was excited about isn’t going to happen.  I mean, no puppies will die over it, but yeah… I am legitimately a little disappointed.

They are totally allowed to change their minds and I’m totally allowed to feel disappointed about it.  And I suppose we’re both allowed to give each other the out.

kiss my grits

Waitresses from “Alice”, the sitcom where Flo regularly said the catch phrase “Kiss my grits!”, give each other the side-eye.

“It’s a misunderstanding” and “I didn’t think it would be a big deal”.  Kinda bullshit.

But it’s a bullshit that lets us both save face and keep the peace I crave.  They aren’t made to feel bad for feeling like they had to do something that frankly kinda sucks.  And I am not forced to acknowledge that I’m the big dumb dog who was left still wanting what we both said we wanted after they changed their mind.  I hate almost nothing more than being the big dumb dog.

And now to remember is really is a small thing, have my tiny pout, let it out and let it go, and move on.  Well kiss my grits.

Maybe It Needed to Hurt

I lost a patient today.  A 32 year old man who came back fucked up from Afganistan, with a wife and three children, and schizophrenia that set in while he was in country, died today.  We don’t know if he messed up taking his meds or if he did it on purpose.  All I could think was about his baby.  She is just over 6 months old and he’s brought her to group a number of times.  She’s a tiny olive-complected child, with soulful brown eyes and a tiny little mouth.  She’s the kind of baby that makes no noise.  She just stares in wonder at everything.  Her name is Sophia.

He’s a funny guy and a good dad.  He always came to group and he knew he has schizophrenia and wanted to do right by his kids.  He worked hard at his recovery, putting together a nice life for his family.  He had a big truck he washed every weekend and a really pretty wife.  He did homework with his kids.  He ushered at his church.

Traveler and Quinky Girl got back into town on Sunday night and I gave them back their keys and got kisses.  I’ve been achingly missing them while they were gone and it was so fucking nice to see them.  I sent Traveler a message yesterday morning telling him that I was looking forward to our date Friday or Saturday but that I really missed him and asking if we could have a dinner or a coffee or something before then.  He said he’d like to see me too and we scheduled Tuesday night, tonight.  We didn’t really have a specific plan.. just something with a snuggle, whatever.  This morning Quinky Girl popped up and asked if I’d like to have a little dinner with her and Traveler during the time I’d planned to have Traveler.  I missed her like crazy too, and I didn’t to miss out on seeing her too, so I said yes, but admitted I also really needed a few Traveler snuggles.  She’s totally cool like that and we set up our dinner.  Later in the afternoon she texted that Peaches was coming too.  I love Peaches and was excited about that, but I was bummed I wouldn’t get my snuggles.  Then my patient died.

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She is a Secondary Person

Tonight I was feeling neglected.  My boyfriend has been really not managing his time well lately and our last two dates.. for the last two nights in a row he’s been on the computer and doing laundry and not really present.  He does this from time to time.  I mean we slept together and snuggled and stuff, but it wasn’t much of a date.  Then he had a date for tonight with his wife and another for tomorrow with his other girlfriend.  I was giving him some kisses and hugs and telling him to have fun on his date but I just missed him, so I admitted just a little that I felt kind of neglected.  The nights he was with me he wasn’t really present.  So, he did this crazy thing.  I didn’t want him to do it.. but he did.

He went and spent a couple of hours with his wife who had planned and made a really nice dinner and lit candles and cleaned the house and gotten wine for their date.  She bought stuff on her way home from work and spent an hour making stuffed chicken breasts and asparagus.  He let her know he needed to come be with me and that he wouldn’t be able to stay the night with her like they planned.  It was the last time he’d see her for a week because he’s going on a skiing trip.  She was sad and a little upset.  I mean.. I had the last two nights in a row with him and he was saying I needed her night too.  He explained he was just trying to be fair to me.  He felt she should understand.  He got a little irritated with her.  I mean.. she’d gotten to spend Friday night with him after we’d all hung out.  They HAD slept together after the party  and then had last week’s date Saturday.  So she shouldn’t be mad he was breaking their plans to spend another night with me, right?  I mean.. he did the right thing.. right?  If he’d neglected me he should drop her and come back to me for a third night in a row.  It’s only fair.  Right?

Image

image of a blue pencil eraser looking sad while separate from two other erasers found at http://www.bringingbackawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/left-out.jpg

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Just a short whine

There’s a thing going on and I’ve been asked not to talk about it.  I totally understand why and respect it, but it’s difficult and I wish I still had this place to put it out there.  

I’m not sure what effects it will all have.  It may dramatically change some relationships.  I feel already like it’s changing me.  I’m not sure how to navigate any of this really and I don’t understand what it means.  No, I’m not pregnant.  Nobody is pregnant or dying or anything so dramatic.  

But it’s shaking things up, bringing up fears and old tapes and old feelings.  There was everything before and now there is everything after.  I thought somehow that I was immune, though of course I’m not.  I’m really sick right now too, on top of everything.  My whole body hurts and I have a fever and congestion and my head is fuzzy.  My neck and shoulders feel like piano wire and I’m weak.  I can’t think straight and it’s dulling the world.  This is totally insult to injury.  I spent much of today spiralled on my living room floor because it was the only way I could get comfortable.  I want to whine and whimper and complain.  I am tired of feeling cold and hot and cold again.  I’m tired of feeling so awful and so run down.  My head feels puffy.  My mouth is sore.  And dammit.. it feels unfair.  It’s not really unfair.  In fact it’s perfectly fair, but I’d like just a minute to kick and scream.  Dammit.  There is so much about this that I just don’t like.  Yes, the world is just like this, and sometimes times are tough, and let’s be honest.. I live a really charmed life overall.  My problems are 1st world problems and I am blessed with beautiful love and support.  I think almost every single day about my many many blessings and I’m generally in awe of my charmed life.  

But right now, just give me a second.  Fuck!  Fuckity.  This sucks.