It’s come to my attention that I need to accept the love in my life. I had life experiences that led me to believe that there is a lot of danger in wanting and loving and trusting and believing. I have little experience that says this is a good idea. And it’s time I decided to jump anyway. I can’t keep living so that I am always prepared to the inevitable fall because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but more importantly because living life in fear is no way to live.
I’m going to exaggerate this to make my point. When some kind of disappointment happens I jump to feeling stupid. I jump to tell myself “well.. there it is. You are a big dummy to fall in love like this.. see… see.. here is the proof of some terrible thing. You are dumb. He doesn’t love you. She will walk away like everyone else. You are a fool.” Obviously it’s not this obvious, because I’d never tolerate such a thing and I’m actually kinda smart. No.. it’s subtle. It’s the way I interpret some action and have this tinge to my perceptions. Time and time again I’ve have some occurrence, imagined the worst, spun, and then talked about it or got more info and felt silly because of course I know he’s not like that or she would never do that. Why do I jump to cruel intentions and self flagellation? I’m not a glass is half empty kind of girl. I’m the girl seeing the silver lining in everything. So, what’s up with the incredibly negative slant I have here sometimes? Continue reading