Coming Out Sideways

If you don’t deal with feelings they don’t come out the regular way and instead burst a hole to the side, creating a lot more wreckage.

I’ve heard people say they never get jealous and you know.. I don’t usually like to be so harsh.. but fuck you and your self righteous bullshit. I know, I know. I’ll probably get emails or messages about how “no.. I am a special and unique human being and I never get jealous. I might be insecure at times, or something far less stigmatized than jealousy, but I don’t get jealous”.

The people I have really known who say things like this tend to have a jealousy problem. It’s like people saying they hate drama. Drama creators are usually the people you hear vocally spewing about hating all these people with all this drama. They whip everyone around them into drama filled scenes and then moan about the drama, never owning that they draw it to themselves. You can’t stop being a drama llama if you think the drama is always everyone else. I know that I am the maker of most of the drama in my life, either directly or indirectly playing my part, and that’s the first stop toward unraveling drama.

Jealousy is much the same. I don’t care how evolved you are. You will feel jealous at times and if you own it, understand it and will look at it, you won’t stomp over the tender hearts of all in your midst as you passively aggressively exert your desire for control and relief from your jealousy.

We can plan out too, and think how okay things are, only to find these ugly little surprises. All of a sudden we’ll have this thought, or this fear, and that is okay if we can deal with it directly and maturely.

Most of the time I really love watching Traveler fuck a woman we are with. I love seeing his passion from another side. I love knowing how she feels. I love watching their pleasure. It’s hot. But of course I’ve had little moments. I will have more I am sure. Once when it happened I realized it was me pulling away and got back in there and helped. What is NOT okay would be bursting into tears and slamming the door as I storm out in an emotional explosion. It’s okay if later I need to curl up and ask for extra kisses or need to talk about my feelings with my partner or a friend.

In poly I see it often as people display their jealousy by getting territorial or reactive and emotional or withdrawn. Sometimes it involves a lot of insecurity, and sometimes people hide from their jealousy and say they are just a little insecure for a moment.  They do little meddling things to fuck with each other. They keep score. They try to exert control in the other relationship. They get petty. They try to make sure they are given better or best or more. They try to limit others, or sabotage even. I have seen it over and over. It’s corrosive when ignored and even more so when denied, and for what? Foolish pride?

Jealousy is not inherently bad. It can be used as a healthy signal for self-examination and a sign that there is a need to be met. I hate the bad rep jealousy gets because it isn’t all bad and it can be a really helpful and healthy reminder.

But I’m telling you… jealousy is a dirty bomb when allowed to explode. Get it out, or it’s coming out sideways.  Just sayin’

 

Goldilocks

Goldilocks painting by Jasmine Beckett-Griffith

Goldilocks painting by Jasmine Beckett-Griffith

I’ve said many times I wish I were the ever-graceful and unaffected Grace Kelly.  I’m not particularly emotional at the moment, but it’s a thing with me that I get embarrassed of my emotion.  Wait, no.  I get embarrassed of my *messy* emotions.

I’m perfectly happy that I feel boundless love.  I am tickled that a great number of things delight me. I’m passionate.  I love deeply.  I’m fiercely loyal.  I’m tenacious and determined and empathetic.  I can go there with a friend.  I can take a lover there.  All of these emotions I adore.

But it’s the messy stuff.  I’m ashamed I have insecurities.  I’m embarrassed when I cry.  I can’t stand being irrational or out of sorts or brooding.  I despise that I burn over offenses and that I have to address and let go of things when others seem perfectly capable of stuffing them down forever.  I hate my messy emotions.

I was talking about this with Quinky Girl.  She is a human who gets twinges, but by and large she is unaffected by some things that make me rail.  I deeply envy that.  I would be the same way if I could and I can’t.  I HATE to talk about the little things that bother me.  But if I don’t they become big things and come out sideways.  I hate that too.  Other polys say “Oh I didn’t need to talk about that.  I just let it go”.  And I feel much much worse.  It’s like they are jabbing me right in my eye with that.  I’d prefer not to have awkward moments but I can’t be any other way.  I don’t wanna make shit weird.  I don’t wanna have a little chat.  I hate confrontation and awkwardness.  I wanna just flip my hand, brush my hair off my shoulder and say “I never did mind the little things”.  But I simply don’t work that way. Continue reading

Feeling The Wrong Stuff

Sometimes in polyamory I feel 47 things at once.  Events happen or situations exist and I feel for those I love in them, or I feel the mix of this for them and this for the other them and this for me.  Sometimes I feel stuff I don’t want to feel or stuff I “shouldn’t” feel.  I want to be a Grace Kelly, ever wise and gracious and good.  I have heard poly people say they thought poly made people “more emotionally evolved”, and I totally disagree.  I think it gives us more obvious examples to work on our shit though, if we’re willing to do it.  But people in any kind of relationship deal with stuff.  Humans have to deal with stuff because we are human.  I still want to be loved and accepted.  I still get scared and frustrated and envious and prideful.  I react poorly to things at times and entertain negative thoughts here and there.  I’m in NO WAY emotionally evolved or exempt from feelings.  I have a little practice looking at this stuff and working on it, but I’ll never be done.  I can’t swear other poly people aren’t like this, but anecdotal evidence would suggest it’s true since they are human.

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What might be different is that some people who seem to do well in poly examine their feelings and talk about them.  They ask themselves why they feel the things they do and try to address those needs within themselves and in their requests to their partner.  Thing is, this is NOT just a polyamorous thing and it’s not common to all poly people either.  And none do it perfectly all the time.  We are all, all of us, subject to pride and envy and fear and loneliness and insecurity and need.  We’re also all capable of grace and support and love and compassion and generosity and courage. Continue reading

The Lonely Polyamorist

I Have To Be Alone?

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The Google Logo with lots of hearts floating around it found at: http://christofouche.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Google-love.jpg

One of the surprising things (to me) about having multiple relationships is that you have to be or get good at being alone.  When people ask me stuff about poly.. well they ask about the sex.  But after they’ve exhausted that, they ask about the handling jealousy and finally about how it actually works.  It’s a lot of scheduling.  Most poly people use Google Calendar, for a couple of good reasons.  You can access it anywhere.. any computer or smart phone or whatever, and you can share calendars.  When your lives get a little entwined and you’d like to see each other’s schedules you can “share” your Google Calendar.  Some of us call this “Google Official”.  It’s just a little joke, like getting Facebook official.

Continue reading