Stop Drinking Poison

Some people say resentment is the number one offender.  True… so true.

Emerson Quote

Emerson Quote

Everyone we love fucks up.  They hurt us.  Maybe they are a giant asshole, or maybe they are just human.  Maybe they are wonderful and made a mistake.  Maybe they are vile and must be avoided.  Either way… sometimes we develop and cradle and house resentment, and it destroys us and destroys our happiness and our peace and our love.  Someone has stabbed us and we have grabbed the knife and are plunging in again and again and again.

Sometimes we are wronged and hurt.  It happens.  People are not actually against us, but sometimes they are for themselves.  Sometimes they don’t think.  Sometimes they are focused elsewhere.  Sometimes they’re being selfish or narrow minded or cruel.  Sometimes they are afraid.  Sometimes they don’t know how to do the right thing.  Sometimes they think they are due something or fighting for something or willing to climb our backs for things.  Some of these people cannot be trusted and we have to alter our relationship with them, and sometimes we love them and want them in our lives.

Either way, it’s a bad idea to resent them.

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Stop Kicking The Teeth

fish changes

a fish jumps into a new bowl with reeds

***edited for being insanely long***

I am a girl who finishes things.  I wasn’t always.  I was flighty and flaky and a little unreliable.  I was mercurial, changing, watery.  I made promises and couldn’t keep them.  I changed my mind.  I went another direction.  I moved and tried this and abandoned it for that.  I had a million jobs.  I took on hobbies and then all but abandoned them.  I was a construction worker, waitress, flower shop clerk, retail, business sales, green house, marketer, home health aid, gas station worker, video clerk, secretary, data entry person, a temp.

Trouble is.. I hurt people.  I broke hearts.  I didn’t do the things I wanted to do and said I’d do.  I changed that about me and I discovered I was tenacious.  I joined the Army and you don’t just leave the Army.  I was somehow sent to an Army school I didn’t actually qualify for.  So I ended up ill-prepared at a school that graduated 30% of it’s enrollees.  EVERYONE there was more qualified.  Most of them had degrees, and a few had more than one.  Maybe some of the others were fuck-ups too, but they were all more qualified, and 60% of us would end up picking another career from a pool of careers the Army needed when we failed.

Some people gave up.  I’d never failed anything because I’d been smart enough to fluff through.  I had never actually tried hard at anything and here I was doing my damn-est and ending up barely making it.  I mean I was SCRAMBLING and studying every night, learning how to study.  I almost failed all of the written tests and aced the practicals and ended up eeking by.  That I barely made it when smarter and more educated people left every month was ONLY because I cared way too much.  Smart people gave up and picked other careers.  I was the gummy stuff stuck to the bottom of the pot and that was simply not an option.

a fish jumps from a crowded bowl to a larger bowl with only one fish in it

a fish jumps from a crowded bowl to a larger bowl with only one fish in it

I dug in my heels and I found out that I was pretty good at digging in my heels.  I discovered a tenacity.  I studied my ass off for that year of Army school and got help and graduated exactly center of my class.  I was never so proud of average.  And something changed in me.  I was a person who finished things.  I was a person that stuck.

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All the Kinds of Love

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  I just woke up and smiled, thinking of last night.  The December drought of kisses and dates and yummy sex continues, but I can’t help feeling loved.  I had a pretty bad minute coming home, and then.. a bunch of joy.  Do you ever think about all the kinds of love in your life?

ImageI’d finally checked my old FaceBook messages, bored on the plane and learned the my husband had taken our dog walker to San Francisco to meet his sister.  A bunch of people were asking me if Hubby was in fact polyamorous because he’d taken his new girlfriend to California and had her meet his sister.  This was news to me since he and RollerGirl had recently broken up.  Then it clicked.  Hubby has been dating our old dog walker and RollerGirl for months.  Well, kiss my grits.  He threw me away, after months of abuse because he wasn’t poly and he was angry at me for being poly and that he was going to go be monogamous with RollerGirl.  But, here he had been dating two women for at least 4 months.  Fuck me sideways.  Continue reading

Friends, Flirty Fun and Otherwise

Peaches and I made up.  Did you see that coming?  I kinda didn’t.

I think we were willing because of Traveler.  I think our love of Traveler got us to the table and our love of each other made us hammer it out.  I fucking love that woman.  I do.  She is one of my most fulfilling relationships.  I know I vented (stupidly) about her, but who here didn’t at least once feel something not so nice about someone you loved?

It’s going to take time to earn back trust and build things a little better to keep things as peaceful and good as they were.  I love our little family though and she does too, so we’re doing it.  First, we will no longer be discussing Traveler.  It’s just not healthy.  It’s unavoidable completely, but we’ll try to be pretty damn close.

Meanwhile.. we all get by with a little help from our friends.

My friend “cockring” sent me some lovely lovely photos with which to while away the time.  I’ll admit it.  I sent some back.  Don’t judge me.  I’m that rare girl that loves cock shots, well.. of nice cocks anyway.  Don’t fret pets.  We are just friends.  He’s my naughty pic sharing flirty friend.  I love naughty friends.  I gotta admit I’m adding one or two to the spank bank though.  He’s got a very nice cock.  Sue me.

And I just wanted to give a couple a better name than Peach’s friends.  I will not be writing anything further about them here to protect their privacy, but I wanted you to know that Peach’s friends names are Fisherman and HippyChick.  Welcome silent HippyChick and Fisherman.  🙂

Oh.. and as an aside.  It was drawn to my attention that Dragon’s name could have been seen as negative, as in she’s like a big bad dragon, but that is NOT why she is named Dragon.  To clarify, she was named Dragon because she has a head of fiery red hair and wears flowing things.  She made me think of fiery flowing dragons, like you see in tattoos and such.  Dragon is supposed to be a GOOD name.

If I were alone.. really alone

I had a realization that came out of being dumped in a text, even if I wasn’t actually dumped in a text.  Apparently I misunderstood it.  Anyway.. I BELIEVED it, and for the day and a half that I believed it, it carried realizations.

I thought he just ended it, just like that.  To me, to have it ended so abruptly and so callously in a text meant that I really was out there alone.  Because no one who felt as I do could EVER do that.  It was.. in short.. exactly what I am afraid of.  I thought “THIS is why I hate telling people I love them.  THIS.”

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