Freedom

*** to avoid serious vague-blogging drama queen stuff… I am completely and utterly okay.  This is an observation of a moment and a snippet of a broader feeling.  It’s just a way to get it out.  I repeat… I am okay.  It’s just expressing a thing.***

All we have to see

Is that I don’t belong to you

And you don’t belong to me, yeah yeah

Freedom, freedom, freedom

You’ve gotta give for what you take

Continue reading

Same Love- Loving Girls

I went to see Macklemore last night and had this kind of spiritual gratitude experience.  I never thought it would happen in my lifetime, but I stood in an arena bursting at the seams with people singing along to a song about about gay rights and acceptance.

Image

Mary Lambert- Singer featured in “Same Love”

This song made the cry the first time I heard it.  Actually I cried the first 6 or 7 times I heard it.  I remember being a 16 year old girl, in my Cleveland, Ohio high school and wondering what the hell it meant that I loved my best friend Kristen.  We’d had a threesome with a guy we both knew, and to her it was a fun sexual experiment, and to me it was finally acknowledging what I’d known since I first kissed Melissa at age 12.  Melissa and I told ourselves we were “practicing for when we had boyfriends”.  I’m not totally sure what we thought our boyfriends would be like that we had to practice eating pussy.  😉Image

I liked girls.  I liked them in a way that other girls didn’t like girls.

Continue reading

I Am Still Smiling

**Please don’t read this one if frank talk of sex with me or my partners is upsetting**

Image

I am still grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. I can’t and don’t wish to give details (WHAT?!?!? I know), but last night was awesome. It inspired awe in me, and funnily enough not just the parts you’d expect. Traveler and I met up with my friend Amelia (so named because she is an adventurer). We had a nice super cheap dinner, laughing at ourselves because we were surrounded by normal diners, and our conversation kept veering off to where we had to speak in code. We were laughing like old friends. I had been hoping there would be chemistry and there was. Amelia is very sexy and loud and fun, and I didn’t know if that would appeal to Traveler, but she’s also curvy and cute and a little vivacious, so I think it did. We left the Pho place and hit a kitschy restaurant bar. They didn’t have any of the things Amelia was asking for, but the conversation was fun.

It started to be more flirty. I think all parties were in a kind of simpatico place that it’d be fun if something could develop a little slowly and that this night was more of an investment in future fun, laying the groundwork and building and fanning an attraction. We hit another pub, and they carried what Amelia wanted but had just run out. She was able to get something more in her wheelhouse though, and this time we picked a cozier booth. Amelia and I were petting by the time we’d arrived at the second place and kissing in short order. It was amazingly sexy to enjoy her thick hair and Traveler’s soft skin and the kisses and chemistry.

I really liked Traveler’s attitude about everything. He wasn’t pushing a single thing. He seemed very open but utterly unassuming. It’s exactly the way you’d like a guy to be to have a beautiful threesome. He was sexy and fun and interested but let Amelia take the lead, choosing her level of involvement with everything. He was so charming and so sexy. Every time he went to the bathroom Amelia and I sang his praises and/or necked. I don’t know what they thought or felt, but I liked the chemistry I felt on all sides. Continue reading

Open

ImageI’ve been in open relationships a while now, and I’ve been a blogger a while now, but it’s only fairly recent that I’ve been so open.  I was a closeted blogger for a long time.  I was mortified at the idea of people I’d meet reading my blog and knowing this part of me.  I’ve been open about who I am for some time, but for some reason, for a while, I was mortified at the idea that this blog would speak for me.

Over time and over necessity that’s changed.  Because an ex kept telling people about his blog and leading them to mine because they weren’t terribly slow mentally and could put 2 and 2 together, people began to know who wrote this blog.  I went through various levels of being out.  I came out to my friends about polyamory.  I told my family that I thought would be cool.  Then I told family that I thought wouldn’t.  I let a few things appear on my Facebook.  I deleted contacts from Facebook that could hurt my husband with my openness and was more open there too.  Another ex outed me at work as both kinky and poly and I came to terms with that.  It strangely didn’t spread, and over time didn’t matter.  I just kept working and after a while I became again more about my work and less about my “deviant” sex life.  It’s just not an issue.  I came out fully on Facebook.  I came out about my blog to some people.  I told friends who were interested.

Some others started finding my blog.  I worried about hurting my metamours with talk of sex or love with their partners.  I worried about meeting people at meetups or wherever who first met me as that blogger with all the angsy blogs and the frank talk of fantasies or kink.  I faced the choice to delete everything, write differently, start over, or just get over it.  I chose mostly to just get over it and to take some measure to protect the innocent.

My metamours are adults and by and large do not seem very affected by talk of sex or love and I try to warn them on certain posts so they can make their own choices.  If someone wouldn’t be my friend or wouldn’t date me because I crop or blindfold my boyfriends, or I love needles or being flogged or being a sub, or I like fisting… well then we aren’t a match anyway, right?  And why was I so embarrassed of any of that anyway?  It’s taking a while, but I’m getting more and more okay with living openly in a million little ways.  It’s obviously not necessary that everyone knows everything, but I’m closer and closer to being okay with that if it happened.

I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I’m doing and I love the authenticity of living openly.  I don’t shout my sexual proclivities from the rooftops, but I also don’t have to lie about what matters to me. I can admit that I care about those I care about.  It’s one thing to not tell people I’m FUCKING this or that person but another to hide my relationships with people.  I can hold my love’s hands when we are out and about and kiss them anywhere.  I’m not afraid someone will see.  I’m not afraid I’ll run into anyone at the sex club or the kink club (I mean, they are there too, right?).  But I kinda always did those things.  More importantly I’m freer this way.

I met this cool couple last week, and I briefly mentioned them in the blog recently.  Last night we were having fun texting, the woman and I, and it came up that she used to read my blog and she started reading it again as we talked.  She downloaded my latest podcast, and you know.. that was fun.  I had a brief hesitancy, that my new friend’s view of me may be colored by all of this, but I quickly relaxed.  It helps that she appears to be a sexual deviant too, but even if she weren’t… I am who I am.  If me being authentically me drove her away then I don’t need her in my life.  If reading about these few aspects of my life so altered her view of me, then maybe I don’t want to be friends with HER.  You know?  It didn’t and it was all good.. but I thought about what a switch that is from even recent past.

ImageIt’s just been interesting to me, this opening up.  Opening up my bed, and then my heart, and then my mind to new experiences and new ways of living and having fun and expressing love and connecting, and then new ways of communicating and of disclosing and of accepting others.  There’ve been all these little openings.  It was nice to have only this moment’s hesitation of my new friend reading my blog and then realize it didn’t really matter.  It’s still true that my blog is only a representation of these specific areas of life.. love-sex-and relationships, but it’s authentically a part of me and I’m okay with sharing it.

You Wanna Stick a Needle in WHAT!?!?

I think I’m having a midlife crisis.  Or maybe it’s that thing  you go through when you are getting divorced from your decade long relationship and you are an adult with no one to weigh in.

I’m getting my pussy pierced.

Two months ago I got my nipples pierced. I learned about how they affect sensation and wanted them.  I waited because Traveler’s other lovers had piercings and I didn’t want to be like everyone else.  I waited because my husband didn’t really like them and my other boyfriend sort of disliked them, and suddenly sans Great Date and Hubby I thought.. fuck that.  I’m getting what I want.  Who cares if Traveler dated a girl that had them.  That can’t be a reason I can’t have them too.  I love to have my nipples played with and piercings really enhance that sensation.  I had never gotten them because of the prohibitively long healing time.  It can take about a YEAR for them to fully heal.  Then I learned how they increased sensation and how much fun they could be sexually, and that you could begin playing with them relatively quick and just had to hold off on the rough stuff…  Um.. sign me up.

ImageI like the rough stuff, but with piercings it takes less, and I see it as an investment of time in pleasure.

It’s been really easy.  The first one didn’t even hurt to pierce and the second one I swear hurt less to pierce than my ears.  I forget them most of the time.  I had a little reminder this past weekend with a relatively minor mishap, but overall I couldn’t be happier.  You still can’t pull or twist  them because they are still healing after all, but they almost never hurt  and you can pinch and lick them and holy guacamole does that send me.  For maybe the first time in my life I like my breasts.  They are so cute.  I have little barbells in them with little silver balls.  I am looking for cuter ends now.

So… now I’m piercing my pussy.  More accurately I’m getting my clitoral hood pierced.  I heard of women piercing their clitoris and how they could lose all sensation and immediately rejected any sort of vagina piercing as crazy.  Oops.  I believed a wives’ tale.  Piercing the clitoris is exceedingly rare and not done at reputable shops.  What they pierce is the hood, or fleshy skin over the clit or in some cases pierce under the clit in what they call a triangle piercing.  Both of these are meant to stimulate the clit with direct and indirect stimulation to the area.  Meaning- when you have sex it makes the ball on the bar or ring stimulate the front of the clit (the hood piercing) or the back (triangle piercing).  You can of course play with it directly too to some pretty fun effect.  Not only are they cute… they’re little orgasm helpers.  Yay.

It’s also a total myth that you’ll lose all clitoral sensation.  I checked.  It’s a myth.

Also, because this skin is so thin it’s relatively painless to pierce and heal and it heals wicked fast.  You can play with it in days (with a little care) and it’s completely healed in about 4 weeks.  Huzzah!  That, and it’s really cute.  I don’t want to get nailed as an adult blog and censored, so I’ll let you discover this yourself on Google.  Look up “vertical hood piercing”.  Cute huh?

Now, it’s just the matter of when to do it.   I’d like to plan it to affect as few dates as possible.  I’m thinking Sunday.  If I get it later on Sunday I should be healed enough for gentle fun by midweek.  Cleveland seemed pleased and satisfied to learn that he could at least lick the area very very quickly.  (See why he’s amazing?)  And Traveler is a piercing enabler from way back.  He is letting me perv on his pics to get ideas for jewelry and piercings I might like.  So helpful.  Heh heh heh.

ImageIt’s kind of a sexy time for me.  I think I’m also going to get bangs cut in my hair.  Yep.  It might be a midlife crisis or a divorcing detour, but whatever.  I am excited about my shiny new membership to the kink club, and my newly pierced nipples.  I’m going to love my beautiful pussy piercing too.  I can’t wait to try it out.

Image

***correction- I am going to a polycamp at the end of this month and want to be able to swim and canoe and stuff, so I’m waiting until after that.  Sigh. ***

Good quote-

    “It takes two to make drama. There comes a point where you just have to ignore the other person and not let yourself feed in to their drama”.

drama llama don't feedI didn’t like a blog post but it pointed out true things.. kinda.  I’ve defended Great Date and his propensity for drama quite a bit, but I most certainly had my own drama in the last days of our relationship, so I have to own my part.

I was overly emotional and reactionary.  I was terrified of losing this thing I thought was so good.  I had a jealous time at first with PolyV.  I had a hard time dealing with others constant jealousy and insecurity.  I took on the feelings of those around me.  I became overwhelmed and didn’t handle my emotions well AT ALL.  I’m embarrassed at how effected I was and at the emotional lability I expressed.  Continue reading