I feel like the universe is showering me with good. I know that’s a weird thing to say, I mean, I’m getting divorced (signing papers today) and my roommates asked me to leave because they can’t stand living with me, and I am pretty broke, eating my savings to move and afford an apartment on my own. But here’s the thing.. these are good things too.
It’s of course a sad thing still that my marriage ended, or that the good era of my marriage ended. I do miss the good things about being with my ex. I think you can miss who a person once was and what you had with them, even as you acknowledge that it is gone. I didn’t stop loving him. It doesn’t really work that way. I was talking last night with a friend about relationships and (unrelated) I kept thinking that it’s sad when things change in ways we might not have set out to go, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to change a relationship that no longer really works or is not really fulfilling. Every relationship involves compromise but there’s a limit to that. Holding on to relationships that aren’t right for us, even if they are with really lovely people, blocks us from the motivation to pursue and devote ourselves to things that are more fulfilling. It keeps us from growing and it keeps us stuck. It’s hard, but it’s good to see relationships for what they are. (again this isn’t about my friend.. just a thought I was having)
Having my marriage end was awful and hard and painful. If you’ve read this at all, you know that. But it was ultimately healthy for me, I think. It was a catalyst for change and growth. It made me think about who I want to be and what I want to be doing, and I’m working on that. And I feel like I’m making progress.
I’ve gotten to travel a little bit and bond more with my friends. I’ve fallen madly in love with Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s wife, and we’re having a polyaffective love affair. (I like to call it courtly love). Do you ever fall in love with your friends? You’ll hear more about that on the podcast, when it posts, and you can read more about it at her blog post here.
I’m moving on from a living situation that caused a lot of discomfort and starting my life in my own place. I’m dating kind, loving, sweet, intelligent, sexy, passionate, interesting men who treat me very well. I am in love and falling madly. The people in my life are honest with me, as far as I can tell, and none of them seems to have an overly difficult time talking to me about things honestly. I mean, I AM still dating men, engineers and computer dudes at the moment, so you know, there’s THAT. But I am really grateful for men that are good to me.
I’d like to date a woman, and have more of a connection with a lovely woman that included sexy times, but it’ll happen or not as it needs to and I feel no urge to chase. My life is abundant. You never know. Maybe lovely Amelia will resurface.
I’m enjoying writing more again with this program my friend gave me that allows me to talk and dictate, and I’m looking forward to leaving my easel up so I can paint more regularly. I’m loving roller derby and finally seeing improvement in my skating. I’m getting excited to cook more and have fun learning how to make yummy relatively healthy things. I’m thinking of taking some classes. I’m exploring my kinks. I’m getting things together to go back to school. Growth for me has often been a process that starts with pain. Pain is a great motivator. But after the pain, action and reflection ushers in a period of joy and of loving the growth. I don’t always like the process or the changing, but I love the results. It’s so nice to be marveling at the good stuff right now. It’s just so nice.
I have to add and admit to one last thing too… I have such fun sexy plans. I’ve been talking about trying something new. I’m talking about trying a few somethings new. In fact, we’re talking about sexy adventures in all of my relationships. Oh, how I love that. I’m awash with sexual energy and musing. I’m having the best time not really imagining anything specific, but liking the promise and planning little explorations. I love when I’m like this.. all sensual energy and writhing excitement at my sexy plans. I can’t wait to explore.