Stop Kicking The Teeth

fish changes

a fish jumps into a new bowl with reeds

***edited for being insanely long***

I am a girl who finishes things.  I wasn’t always.  I was flighty and flaky and a little unreliable.  I was mercurial, changing, watery.  I made promises and couldn’t keep them.  I changed my mind.  I went another direction.  I moved and tried this and abandoned it for that.  I had a million jobs.  I took on hobbies and then all but abandoned them.  I was a construction worker, waitress, flower shop clerk, retail, business sales, green house, marketer, home health aid, gas station worker, video clerk, secretary, data entry person, a temp.

Trouble is.. I hurt people.  I broke hearts.  I didn’t do the things I wanted to do and said I’d do.  I changed that about me and I discovered I was tenacious.  I joined the Army and you don’t just leave the Army.  I was somehow sent to an Army school I didn’t actually qualify for.  So I ended up ill-prepared at a school that graduated 30% of it’s enrollees.  EVERYONE there was more qualified.  Most of them had degrees, and a few had more than one.  Maybe some of the others were fuck-ups too, but they were all more qualified, and 60% of us would end up picking another career from a pool of careers the Army needed when we failed.

Some people gave up.  I’d never failed anything because I’d been smart enough to fluff through.  I had never actually tried hard at anything and here I was doing my damn-est and ending up barely making it.  I mean I was SCRAMBLING and studying every night, learning how to study.  I almost failed all of the written tests and aced the practicals and ended up eeking by.  That I barely made it when smarter and more educated people left every month was ONLY because I cared way too much.  Smart people gave up and picked other careers.  I was the gummy stuff stuck to the bottom of the pot and that was simply not an option.

a fish jumps from a crowded bowl to a larger bowl with only one fish in it

a fish jumps from a crowded bowl to a larger bowl with only one fish in it

I dug in my heels and I found out that I was pretty good at digging in my heels.  I discovered a tenacity.  I studied my ass off for that year of Army school and got help and graduated exactly center of my class.  I was never so proud of average.  And something changed in me.  I was a person who finished things.  I was a person that stuck.

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The Spell Was Lifted

nina simoneI just had the oddest experience.  I met my soon to be ex-husband to sign some last papers for our divorce.  He came and brought our little dog, and I got to pet the cute little man while Hubby signed.  Afterwards we briefly chatted and I asked after our pets.  He had not after-all brought his girlfriend with him to sign our papers (as he’d planned).  I like his girlfriend, who was our dog walker for years.  She’s a good person and I think they make a nice couple.  But, as nice as she is it’s a little annoying that he’d bring her to sign for our divorce.

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Awkward

When I fall for someone at first I can be really awkward.  It’s a thing that has happened the few times I’ve fallen.  I’ve thought about this a lot, of course.  Yes, part of it is that I have a fear backlash that kinda occurs.  I love them and want them and am excited and happy and this thing rises up in me that is hyper sensitive and strange and worried and scared.. “oh god.. what are you doing!?!??  You trust this person and love them and want them and think they love you… eeeek… oh man, you are probably wrong.  You are an idiot.  Look for signs and react like a weirdo to things.. yes.. that will help and will keep you safe!”

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What a Difference a Day Makes

I know I’d pretty much resolved the Traveler thing a few days after it had happened.  I’d worked out some of the feelings and questions it raised, even if I had a cascade of questions I was asking myself both about him and Cleveland after some things with Cleveland, but it was really damn nice to wrap it up in a bow with a nice talk last night.  I’d pretty much decided that what I’d wanted from Traveler was just to hear me.  I understood more why he had to cut our date and I knew after talking to Quinky Girl that had I known what was up I would have pushed him out the door and told him to go where he was needed.  It was not just that she felt neglected after days with him.  It was that he felt needed and wanted to be with a person he loves… a person I love too.  She had really been suffering with sickness and stressors and he just wanted to support a person he loved when she needed him.  Seriously?  Who’d be mad or hurt about that?  Many times Quinky Girl and I have supported each other that way.  Just a short while ago she’d asked us out for a quick drink on our date after a challenging day and it had been so fun I don’t think either Traveler or I had wanted to leave.  As I went through my struggles with Great Date and with my ex-Husband, many times Quinky Girl and Traveler had been there for me in much the same way.  It is what families do.

So.. I knew it had been a misunderstanding and I just hadn’t had all the info.   Continue reading

Thinking

Thinking Thinking Thinking.  

I’ve spent the better part of a week thinking.  

I’m thinking about what I want and what I don’t and what’s acceptable and sustainable and fulfilling.  And you know.. I’m not sure what to do.  As for Traveler, I’m going to talk to him.  With a lot of reflection and a lot of time in rumination I get where he was coming from and I just need to talk to him.  I need him to know how I feel.  I think I have a legitimate reason to be upset, but I also know that this isn’t a habit or pattern.  He treats me very very very well.  He loves me in words and actions and he is kind and considerate and loving.  He made a decision that hurt me.  He didn’t intend to hurt me and I know it.  But I do have to tell him.  I need to know how he sees some stuff and so I’ll ask him.  I kept thinking and thinking.. wondering what I was going to ask of him and then I realized I don’t need to ask him for anything but a talk so I can say my peace.  When he comes home from his man trip I will talk to him and we’ll move on and hopefully be better for it.  It doesn’t have to be more than that.

As for more general things.. all my thinking has given me a few realizations and left me with some questions.  That’s okay.  That happens sometimes.  We pause occasionally and take stock.  We make choices and refine things over time.  We have experiences and are tempered by them.  It’s just a little time of growth for me.  That’s good too, even if it isn’t always the most fun thing.  It’s like my tag line says.. It’s as wonderful and complicated as it sounds some times.  I’m unplugging now and watching dumb TV in my jammies.  I’m tired.

Waiting for the Other Shoe

I had this good talk yesterday with an old friend.  Talking to her, I remembered again how things were, even 6 months ago, but also how some things had been for a long long time.  It’s funny the things you get used to and the things you’ll overlook or gloss over.  She was talking about how she’d been in a situation with a lover and she’d loved the good so much that she kept glossing over the bad, trying to forgive it, or see it as her being too critical or how she needed to be more understanding or more patient.  “He’s just going through so much”, “he’s tired”, “this is hard for him”.  It’s how both of us had been in a relationship that wasn’t right with somebody who had a ton of wonderful qualities, and a few really bad ones that made being with him toxic.

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Things came to a head with Hubby, and he asked for a divorce, probably days or weeks before I could ask for one, about 6 months ago.  So I’m just slightly further on this particular path maybe than she is.  She’s still where I was very shortly ago.. wondering if her life is really going to be okay.  And I found it hard to explain, but I really think it finally will be. 

Letting go, even of something that isn’t right, is so fucking hard sometimes.  Sometimes we get so used to bad things that they’re comfortable.  I spent my 20’s undoing a lot of my tendency for that, but I have to admit there was obviously still a little bit of that there in me to have taken so long to get out of things with my husband and then so long to get over them (still working on that) and so long to see that I was better off without him.  This last bit is new.

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All Good Things

I feel like the universe is showering me with good.  I know that’s a weird thing to say, I mean, I’m getting divorced (signing papers today) and my roommates asked me to leave because they can’t stand living with me, and I am pretty broke, eating my savings to move and afford an apartment on my own.  But here’s the thing.. these are good things too.seedling2

It’s of course a sad thing still that my marriage ended, or that the good era of my marriage ended.  I do miss the good things about being with my ex.  I think you can miss who a person once was and what you had with them, even as you acknowledge that it is gone.  I didn’t stop loving him.  It doesn’t really work that way.  I was talking last night with a friend about relationships and (unrelated) I kept thinking that it’s sad when things change in ways we might not have set out to go, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to change a relationship that no longer really works or is not really fulfilling.  Every relationship involves compromise but there’s a limit to that.  Holding on to relationships that aren’t right for us, even if they are with really lovely people, blocks us from the motivation to pursue and devote ourselves to things that are more fulfilling.  It keeps us from growing and it keeps us stuck.  It’s hard, but it’s good to see relationships for what they are.  (again this isn’t about my friend.. just a thought I was having)

Having my marriage end was awful and hard and painful.  If you’ve read this at all,  you know that. But it was ultimately healthy for me, I think.  It was a catalyst for change and growth.  It made me think about who I want to be and what I want to be doing, and I’m working on that.  And I feel like I’m making progress.

I’ve gotten to travel a little bit and bond more with my friends.  I’ve fallen madly in love with Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s wife, and we’re having a polyaffective love affair.  (I like to call it courtly love).  Do you ever fall in love with your friends?   You’ll hear more about that on the podcast, when it posts, and you can read more about it at her blog post here.

I’m moving on from a living situation that caused a lot of discomfort and starting my life in my own place.  I’m dating kind, loving, sweet, intelligent, sexy, passionate, interesting men who treat me very well.  I am in love and falling madly.  The people in my life are honest with me, as far as I can tell, and none of them seems to have an overly difficult time talking to me about things honestly.  I mean, I AM still dating men, engineers and computer dudes at the moment, so you know, there’s THAT.  But I am really grateful for men that are good to me.

I’d like to date a woman, and have more of a connection with a lovely woman that included sexy times, but it’ll happen or not as it needs to and I feel no urge to chase.  My life is abundant.  You never know.  Maybe lovely Amelia will resurface.

I’m enjoying writing more again with this program my friend gave me that allows me to talk and dictate, and I’m looking forward to leaving my easel up so I can paint more regularly.  I’m loving roller derby and finally seeing improvement in my skating.  I’m getting excited to cook more and have fun learning how to make yummy relatively healthy things.  I’m thinking of taking some classes.  I’m exploring my kinks.  I’m getting things together to go back to school.  Growth for me has often been a process that starts with pain.  Pain is a great motivator.  But after the pain, action and reflection ushers in a period of joy and of loving the growth.  I don’t always like the process or the changing, but I love the results.  It’s so nice to be marveling at the good stuff right now.  It’s just so nice.

I have to add and admit to one last thing too… I have such fun sexy plans.  I’ve been talking about trying something new.  I’m talking about trying a few somethings new.  In fact, we’re talking about sexy adventures in all of my relationships.  Oh, how I love that.  I’m awash with sexual energy and musing.  I’m having the best time not really imagining anything specific, but liking the promise and planning little explorations.  I love when I’m like this.. all sensual energy and writhing excitement at my sexy plans. I can’t wait to explore. seedling3