Grace

I was reading a blog written by a woman with cancer, the big bad kind. And I was awed by her ability to just not be okay sometimes, and to celebrate other times, bringing joy to everyone at her chemo center.  We all have these times when we are struggling, when we are sick, or lonely, or grinding out day after exhausting day of a huge work project, or grad school, or a rambunctious child. And some people seem to do it with so much grace.

I think it’s because some people can accept their dark and their light. They can be not-okay and be okay with that. I think maybe grace doesn’t come from sailing through everything unaffected and vulcan. I think maybe it’s letting the feelings come, letting them go, and the freedom in the in between spots to just enjoy the light, not shaming ourselves for what we feel and think, not apologizing again and again and again for having a time we were weak or wrong. Continue reading

He's Getting Remarried

Okay.. so.. I had the 5 year anniversary of my father passing, which was the same day as my old wedding anniversary to my now ex-husband.  If you are just joining this or don’t know the history, my ex and I were together for 13 years, married 11 of it and monogamous about 11 of it. We opened up and became poly, and he left me for his girlfriend that I had also been dating until he was too jealous of her and I to continue. He told me he couldn’t be poly, and then that he could, and again that he couldn’t. He began dating our old dog walker in secret while we were separated but talking about working it out.  We have been apart about 3 years now and are divorced.

third marriage

I did pretty well this anniversary and thought mostly of my father. I miss him, but it was somehow sweet this year to think of him, and not the aching pain of other times in my grief over him. It was good.

I messaged him and learned that he’d proposed to the dog walker and they were engaged. (He and the girl he left me for broke up in October of the year we separated and after we’d decided to divorce, and he’s monogamous with the dog walker since then).

Continue reading

Stir that Lemonade

Sometimes a thing just resonates with you, like a sounding rod, like a shot right to the core.  It’s the weirdest thing, but I am there with Lemonade, by Beyonce.  It’s her new visual album.  I watched it the other night when I desperately needed a break from school and zing.. it just struck a cord.  I can’t stop thinking about the ideas and the things in it.  It stirred up some shit in me.

gorgeous underwater surface image found at https://sandroworrell.wordpress.com/. Check them out. GREAT stuff.

The other night I just kept thinking about lies and lying and the dishonesty with those we love. I thought about my mother’s lies, the root of my hatred of lies.  I thought about lovers and friends and my chosen family and the lies.  I keep thinking about other things in the video.  I thought about love and redemption and trust and healing.  She just went there, like for real.  And she came out of it too, and I thought of my own times recently when I’m remembering who I am.  I’m remembering what I am.  I got a little lost there for a while, hurting, healing, reeling maybe.  But I’m not that girl.  I stayed there a long time maybe, but I can’t live in self pity or fear.  I’m not that girl.

I am my father’s daughter.  I am resilient and forgiving and strong and tenacious.  I feel deeply and widely and strongly but never easily.  I don’t like being vulnerable, but I’m learning to be okay with my capacity to do so.

It still bothers me, this way I need people.  But I know that the fact this bothers me is the real bother.  People need people and I am not immune.  It’s the weird thing about vulnerablity being a strength.  My love can wear it down.  I’m remembering that I love me too, just not more than I love you.  I am remembering that I make plans and dream and actually make some of it happen.  I’m remembering that there is a long line of times in this world that you love someone as trully as you can and maybe they just can’t go there.  But it says nothing about you.  It’s about them.  And no.. this isn’t remotely about Traveler.

Traveler can go there.  He’s learned to speak and I’m learning to listen more and more and more.  He says the stuff because I love it, but I’m seeing it too.

And family.. well.. that one’s hard.  but isn’t it always?  Family is loving people beyond the parts of them that make you crazy.  I chose my family, but that doesn’t mean they don’t make me nuts.  Love them anyway.

I don’t know.  I just feel a lot of things popping up to the surface that have maybe been down under the waves for a while.  I feel myself rising to the shimmering surface there.  I can see the bubbles and feel the pressure of my breath held so long, but I feel it faster and faster.. I’m coming up.

And Then It Was Just Us Now

I’m still processing some stuff, but for now the storm has passed with Traveler and I.  I didn’t resolve my future tripping and I don’t have it all ironed, but I decided that right now I just need to love and be loved.

worst cat pet

This is from Worst Cat Tumbler. It’s funny. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. 🙂

So we had a wonderful mid-week date.  He helped me bring home groceries and then talked with me while I made dinner and cleaned up my kitchen.  We talked about Clash of Clans and World of Warcraft and Halloween parties.  We laughed and ate my delicious chili.  Afterwards I was hot and went to change and called him in to lay on the bed with me.  I asked what he wanted to do tonight and he said “I really don’t care at all what we do.  I just want to be with you and spend time with you”.  Of course I kissed him for that.

We planned to lay together for a minute and then go back out to the living room to play World of Warcraft together.  And we never left the bed.  We ended up in bed from about 630pm on.  We got utterly blissed out on touch, just petting each other and snuggling and kissing and saying sweet loving things.  We didn’t even really talk.  We smiled and kissed and petted and snuggled and writhed together.  We looked at each other and smiled.  We twined our limbs together like roots.  We rolled over.  We sighed happily.  We hummed pleasure.  And it was utterly and completely perfect.

It didn’t answer any future questions and it didn’t need to.  It made me feel loved.  It made me feel deeply and completely loved, and I told him that.  I also told him he was kinda crazy about me.  He agreed.

Did you know that snuggling releases oxytocin and that oxytocin is healing?  It’s true.

It's Just a Thing

Isn’t it funny the things you get attached to?  I teared up a bit bringing my car home from my friend’s house tonight.  It was just for a second, but still.

mini at schoolI have to sell the car because the repair bills when something breaks are difficult for me to pay, and I have to sell it now because it’s a stick shift and I broke my foot and can’t drive it.  I’m moving on and just bought a different automatic car that is really awesome and I love.. but still.

It’s the end of an era!  I bought my beautiful mini-cooper S in 2006.  If I could I’d keep it another 10 years.  I have considered learning how to work on it myself so it’d make more sense.  It’s the funnest car I’ve ever driven.  There are faster cars and bigger cars and cars with more utility or whatever.. but my sporty little gem is the funnest car ever.  It has toggle switches!  It has a super charger!  It has sport seats that hug your body while you drive it and it is so responsive it feels like you are WILLING it to go places.  Burning through the gears getting on the freeway feels like you have rockets.  You THINK about turning and it responds.  You feel the road and the panoramic glass and being low like that feels like you are with the road, part of the road.  That alone would make me miss my lovely Clara Bow.  (I named her after the sexy red-headed spit-fire actress from silent film).

But it’s also what she represents. Continue reading

Relief!

There is an end in sight.  I will not need surgery they think, and they didn’t mess me up by not having fiberglass casting material, and it’s not in the Jones region as had been predicted, so it should heal pretty well.  Yay!!!

It’s still 4 more weeks of no weight bearing, but that beats the heck outta surgery.

And I’m having fun flirting with a new dude.  We’ll see rabbit.  We’ll see.  So often these things pan into nothing but there is a shocking large amount of overlapping interest.. so I kinda hope it does come to fruition.  He’s dragging his feet a little, balking that I told him my foot is broken I think.. or maybe something else.  He’s cagey and I don’t have it figured out yet.  Eh.  What can you do?  I’m enjoying the flirting.  It’s so much fun to imagine.

You can't keep a good slut down

(Skip this if for ANY reason descriptions of very graphic sex with one of my partners wouldn’t be welcome).

So.. things are looking up.  They pretty much had to.

woman kneeling

Woman kneeling on a stool by Araks Johannes

Yesterday I got my period, which was a HUGE bummer because Traveler and I had hoped for some frisky fun.  We’d had a date the night before and spent most of it car shopping to replace the aging stick shift car I can’t drive and that is killing me when it has repairs.  We’d had dinner with Quinky Girl and chilled a bit at their house so she could see him too after he was gone all week, and she’d been thoughtful and cooked for everyone.  We got back home pretty late and fell into bed.  I felt sad and broken and sore.  It’d been a long crutching day and a lot of running around and even if it had been a good day, it had still left me sore and beaten. I broke down and cried in his arms.  It was just that when we’d finally crawled into bed and he’d held me, my guard dropped. It’s just so exhausting and difficult.  It’s a lot more life altering than I thought.  So there weren’t sexy times Thursday, but there were equally lovely things with our short time.  He talked to me.  He told about life and stuff with him and he talked to me about all the ways he needs me.

Traveler told me how much he needs me!!  I just filled with love, overflowed.  We held each other then like holding each other was the only thing stopping our death.  Snuggling and cuddling are not adequate to describe the intimate thing we did, the eye contact, the kisses and comfort and touch.  And after all the loving words and caresses I’d needed so badly, we fell asleep tangled together and slept like the dead.

So, as perfect as Thursday night had truly been, after a week away from Traveler and a week of healing I was really looking forward to some more carnal connections with my love the next night, Friday. Continue reading