Tis the Season to Break Up

In the last few days I’ve kinda broken things off with Boss, talked to a dear friend going through a divorce and another with a long anticipated relationship that didn’t grow legs, and another who is parting from his very long-term wife.  It’s going around.  Talking to my first friend going through a divorce, and there in the thick of the most painful bits, I wished I could show her my memories and my mind like something from Harry Potter.  I so feel for where she is at.  I’m just getting out of it myself.  It still looms large in my rear view.  And it sucks, but it does get better.  I have been mourning but also mostly happy this past year.  I realized, I’m doing quite well.

In a bunch of these break up talks, the idea of all the relationships you mourn in a single break-up came up.  There’s the relationship you actually had, the one you dreamed of, the one that now will never be, and the one that really was and could have been.  There is reality, and making the best of it, and hope and dreams and history.  I agreed that it had made me crazy too.  I thought about all those years of sacrifice and sea duty and deployments and long work hours and missed birthdays and holidays and Christmases and whatever that I’d done that for “someday”, a someday that would now never be.  There wasn’t going to be a time when we’d live how we’d dreamed.  We weren’t going to build that big garage and workshop and we weren’t going to build custom motorcycles together or see the Willoughby parades from the end of our street where we lived in our cute little bungalow.  Silver haired “us” is gone.  Poof.

tattooed coupleSo much loss in a break-up.  Even a pretty small one like Boss and me.  I spent most of yesterday missing him and wanting to talk to him.  I left that up to him, as to how and when and if we’d talk.  I miss chatting here and there all day with him.  It leaves a hole.  But it seems relationship change, like so many things, is inevitable.

I wonder about this desire to have more permanent bonds and how rare they are and how unhappy it makes us to want them so much.  I think about unlikeliness that most of us will get these forever bonds.  Most of us, if we are lucky, have at least a few romantic lives.  I’m certainly not alone out here making my life anew.  LOTS of us break-up and start over and build our new lives.  It is weird that we don’t talk about this as being the way it generally IS.  We talk about trying for forever and that some of us will face loss, but the truth is that MOST of us face loss.  People grow and change and form connections and shit happens.  In fact, shit usually happens.  And then there we are feeling like we’re the only ones, like we failed.  The majority of marriages end in divorce and most relationships don’t last till death.  A lot has been said about this maybe not being the best standard to judge a relationship too.  If both people are alive at the end of a relationship, and they separate to find better ways that work for them, if they shared a time and were happy and grew, is that relationship really a failure?

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Old Comfortable Love

This beautiful post was shared by a Ginger at “Poly Nirvana”, and I have to share it too.  It’s achingly true.

Old Love is Not Like Comfortable Slippers by Poly Oliver, at “An Open Book”.

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THAT is what I had.  THAT is what I lost.  THAT is why I took so very very long to walk away and why me, a girl who would never tolerate such things, sucked up abuse for almost a year.  I kept thinking any day that he would turn back into himself.  And he didn’t.  Continue reading

You Shouldn't Blog at 1am

I’ve come a long way in this break-up and feel a lot better.  Ironically it helped that my ex wrote a fairly unfair post.  He pretty much negated our whole relationship, said I was weird and jealous since we broke up and “always” so full of drama and that he was so much better off without me.  Hell..  I don’t TOTALLY blame him.  Our last little while together was a freakin’ drama llama circus.  I own my part.. I wrote about that already.  His post was hard to read.  I was taken aback because we’d had a nice talk the night before and scheduled a dinner as friends.  He’d told me that he wanted to keep me in his life.  I didn’t want to admit I’d been hurt by the post.  I wanted to be a tough girl who was unfazed and untouchable. Continue reading

Letting Go of Great Date

I went to Great Date’s house tonight to break up with him face to face. I love him.. I love him to my very core, but I had to let him go. I will not trash him here or anywhere else, and I do not hate him or wish him any ill. I love him. But I will tell as accurate a truth as I can without sharing anything I think he’d be uncomfortable with. He is now okay with his drinking being known publicly, so I will talk a little about that however. To people that actually know him I will simply say it didn’t work out, even though we love each other. I need it to be clear- Great Date is not a hopeless drunk or an asshole. He’s an intelligent, handsome, caring, loving, sensual man with a drinking problem. I have one too. I’ve been sober over 20 years, and I sobered up as a teenager.

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