Old Comfortable Love

This beautiful post was shared by a Ginger at “Poly Nirvana”, and I have to share it too.  It’s achingly true.

Old Love is Not Like Comfortable Slippers by Poly Oliver, at “An Open Book”.

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THAT is what I had.  THAT is what I lost.  THAT is why I took so very very long to walk away and why me, a girl who would never tolerate such things, sucked up abuse for almost a year.  I kept thinking any day that he would turn back into himself.  And he didn’t.  Continue reading

The Light Side

I want to talk about the light side.  I’ve written a lot of angsty dramatic drama-llama stuff lately.  Hey.. the dissolution of a 13 year relationship is a little hard.  This week especially has been difficult.  Oddly enough, the actual “we are over” part has not been as bad as I feared.  I’m actually pretty okay.  It’s been a relief.  All the pressure and misery is lifted.  I come home and people are consistent and pleasant.  Nobody hates me or yells at me or stomps around angrily.  (He just called as I was writing and ended up yelling and screaming at me.   Whatever.)

A n y w a y, the lighter stuff.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Hubby and I had talked about a list of stuff I would be taking, and he talked about “why?”.  He said he’d replaced me because I was such a slut I’d made him feel unsafe.  He’d taken away his love.  RollerGirl had been willing to make commitments to him that I hadn’t at the time and that made him feel safe.  (Namely we’d opened our marriage and agreed to date others and she’d agreed to see only him for a while.)  He said he was also realizing he wanted more kids.  He would like to raise a family with someone he loves and I cannot have children after our 3 miscarriages.  RollerGirl can have children and has a young child now that Hubby is crazy about.  It was the most tender of my tender spots.

It was kind of a sucker punch.  I’m a slut and he wants a family that I can’t give him.  At least I finally understood why.  I can’t give him a family and my sexuality made him feel unsafe.  Okay.  Time to move on.

infinitesuccesses.com

infinitesuccesses.com

I took my tender feelers out to dinner with the girls.  We’d planned it a week and a half ago and I was glad we had.  We talked only briefly about my junk and then moved on to better things.  We laughed our asses off, talking about dating and life.  Traveler’s wife, his girlfriend Peaches and I just enjoyed the night.  We ate good food and commiserated.  We dished.  It was one of the worst days of my life and my face hurt from laughing and my muscles had the relief only a good orgasm or evening laughing can give you. Continue reading

Gratitude

ImageI am feeling like everything will work out.  I don’t mean that I will get everything that I want or that I have the foggiest damn clue of what I think things even should be right now.  I’m just saying that I feel like maybe whatever they are will just be okay. 

Hubby and I are still doing our crazy dance but for today things are calm.  Today he might come have lunch with me at work.  I’m going to work-out after work and have yummy sushi.  Hubby and I might make it and work and stay married forever.  We might break up soon or we might make it a while and break up at some time in the future on some thing I can’t even imagine.  One of us might die.  Nothing is certain and I have no more answers today than I have had for a while.  I’m sitting here in this place and it’s hard, but I don’t have any answers yet.  I just don’t.  I keep thinking will we and won’t we and guessing guessing guessing.  I just don’t know, but for today I’m okay with not knowing.  Today I am in the moment and letting it be what it is.  I will continue to try to spend time with him, and go to counseling, and work on it, and try to work it out.  I will continue to prepare to be okay if we don’t work it out.

Some of the apartments I can afford are by Traveler, so he took me on a tour of his area last night and we looked at some of the buildings from the outside.  There are some really…errrr choices and a few nicely cared for places too.  I can actually afford to live somewhere safe and nice and okay.  I probably won’t have a dishwasher and may have a 70’s kitchen.  It may be small, and it may be a clean and well cared for older building, but it will be okay.  I will be okay. 

Great Date is turning a really healthy corner too and thinking of things like balance and building a more full and good life for himself.  This can be nothing but good.  I love him and I love seeing him take such positive steps.  He is even going somewhere tonight.. no promises.. to find a potential other source of support for himself and the things he needs to work on.  I’m excited but staying totally out of it.  It’s totally his decision, but I won’t lie that I’m inspired and happy he’s trying new things. 

Some friendships are budding or reconnecting and I’m excited about that.  I too need to be a balanced person and I need friends and love and art and rest.  I need work and workouts, nature and support too, and a lot of that is building and proving itself here. 

I just feel.. right now.. today.. right. 

I feel like I will be okay.  The paths may be harder but have benefits too.  There aren’t really any easy paths and that’s okay.  I don’t mind working and I will be okay to weather some trials because I have before and will again.  Right now I am clear. 

I really will be okay. 

I am grateful for love and friendship and laughter.  I’m thankful for the work that has come before that has shown me how to do this.  I’m grateful for a clear mind today and for good perspective.  I’m grateful for the lovely sun and for the freedom of choice.  I’m lucky I have options at all and I’m grateful whatever happens I will ultimately be just fine.  I’m just grateful today.

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The Hope of Fools

I just had a really chill date with my hubby.  It wasn’t all that intimate and the poor thing spent a good deal of time dealing with work blowups, but at least there were no Hubby-PolyChick blowups?  Can I get an amen?

He nixed our plans to go to Portland tody, saying (rightfully) that we should try to make more progress on our bills.  I get it, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed.  I was really liking the idea of a few days to have fun and reconnect, and it’s Portland, not the lunar landing.  Meh.. we’ll get there, hopefully before I lose my use-or-lose leave.  I’m trying.. really trying not to get resentful.

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Hope Springs… like a timid little squirrel

This one is kinda.. well.. squirrely.  I talk about my skittish hope with Great Date, being grateful for Roller Girl, getting a little too mushy with Traveler, and just admitting I have no idea what the fuck to do with Hubby.

squirrel jarI like to think I’m a positive person.  I am generally in a good mood. I realize though that my hope is like a timid squirrel.  I cautiously approach, jump back, tiptoe up, scamper and just generally.. freak at some things.  Mushy things are the worst.  Love.  The hope that I won’t get hurt.

I very recently got to the point in my relationship with Great Date that I’m talking about a future without it being so convoluted I’m barely saying anything.  Usually I’d say the tiniest future dreaming things and then rush to say “don’t worry I’m not meaning you.. I mean.. not that you’d be here, but you know… maybe you will?  Because it’s not that you couldn’t be there.  I mean.. I’d like it if you were.  Or not.  I’m cool either way.  Um.. How about some pasta?” Continue reading