I am feeling like everything will work out. I don’t mean that I will get everything that I want or that I have the foggiest damn clue of what I think things even should be right now. I’m just saying that I feel like maybe whatever they are will just be okay.
Hubby and I are still doing our crazy dance but for today things are calm. Today he might come have lunch with me at work. I’m going to work-out after work and have yummy sushi. Hubby and I might make it and work and stay married forever. We might break up soon or we might make it a while and break up at some time in the future on some thing I can’t even imagine. One of us might die. Nothing is certain and I have no more answers today than I have had for a while. I’m sitting here in this place and it’s hard, but I don’t have any answers yet. I just don’t. I keep thinking will we and won’t we and guessing guessing guessing. I just don’t know, but for today I’m okay with not knowing. Today I am in the moment and letting it be what it is. I will continue to try to spend time with him, and go to counseling, and work on it, and try to work it out. I will continue to prepare to be okay if we don’t work it out.
Some of the apartments I can afford are by Traveler, so he took me on a tour of his area last night and we looked at some of the buildings from the outside. There are some really…errrr choices and a few nicely cared for places too. I can actually afford to live somewhere safe and nice and okay. I probably won’t have a dishwasher and may have a 70’s kitchen. It may be small, and it may be a clean and well cared for older building, but it will be okay. I will be okay.
Great Date is turning a really healthy corner too and thinking of things like balance and building a more full and good life for himself. This can be nothing but good. I love him and I love seeing him take such positive steps. He is even going somewhere tonight.. no promises.. to find a potential other source of support for himself and the things he needs to work on. I’m excited but staying totally out of it. It’s totally his decision, but I won’t lie that I’m inspired and happy he’s trying new things.
Some friendships are budding or reconnecting and I’m excited about that. I too need to be a balanced person and I need friends and love and art and rest. I need work and workouts, nature and support too, and a lot of that is building and proving itself here.
I just feel.. right now.. today.. right.
I feel like I will be okay. The paths may be harder but have benefits too. There aren’t really any easy paths and that’s okay. I don’t mind working and I will be okay to weather some trials because I have before and will again. Right now I am clear.
I really will be okay.
I am grateful for love and friendship and laughter. I’m thankful for the work that has come before that has shown me how to do this. I’m grateful for a clear mind today and for good perspective. I’m grateful for the lovely sun and for the freedom of choice. I’m lucky I have options at all and I’m grateful whatever happens I will ultimately be just fine. I’m just grateful today.