Showing my Ass

I’m gonna show my ass again.  Lest anyone ever thinks I’m so together (hah) I figured I’d admit to a little passing idiocy.  Today we moved Peaches.  All was totally cool.  It was a pretty easy move and she had Traveler and me and her friends, this couple.  She didn’t have a bunch of heavy furniture and her place was ready to go.  We laughed and had a generally good time the entire time we moved her out of her old place and into the new.  I was glad I could be there to help.  I know how much it sucks to move, having just done it in July, and I was glad to be part of things coming together for her.  Her new place is awesome too, which helps.

So.. what’s this about ass?

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My letter to Traveler

I wrote the following letter to Traveler. I changed only the names.

“Hey honey. I am afraid this is going to be a long and woo woo one and I totally get if you don’t have time to read it, but I feel like my heart is really open and I wanted to say a couple of things to you. I know I tell you all the time and I try to show you, but I am so fucking crazy about you. I love you. I love your very soul. Wow. That’s just… I’m not deleting it, though I want to. I think I tell you all the time, but I hold something back sometimes because I don’t want to be “too much” or scare you or be weird.

I just got back from a talk with [your wife], and damn. I totally get why you talk about her wisdom and her heart. The more I get to know her the more I am in awe and I just love her. She is one of the most unique and wonderful people I have ever met. It takes a long time for people to get to know me usually, which isn’t something a lot of people get because I seem so open and easy to know. I keep this well of all my woo woo shit and my vulnerable bits kinda to myself. You of course have seen some of that and I’ve gotten a bit dramatic or vulnerable or woo woo with you, but I’m usually pretty careful too. It just kinda flowed with her tonight. She just brought it out in me. I just felt so open. Something about her I guess..

Anyway, I could not fight this urge, all the way home to think of the email I wanted to send you. I wanted to pour my heart out and tell you every damn thing I think, but I’ll just tell you a few.

I am grateful for you. I am grateful that you are the person you are. I see how hard you try to do the right thing and to be honest and just and kind. I see the strength it takes to live that way and the difficulty. I see the impossible position you are in sometimes and I’m sorry that I contributed to that. I hate those times I’ve been insecure and splashed you with the stuff I’m feeling and processing.

I want to shield you from it and not make you pay for anyone else’s mistakes, but it DOES affect me and it has affected you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every tiny jealous bit or insecure moment. I think you know it’s not how I generally am, but I’m sorry it’s splashed you at all and I know you’re empathetic enough that you’ve felt it. You work so hard to be even and just and it sucks that you even have to. I wish I didn’t do that to you. It sucks that it’s anything you ever have to worry about. I dislike that I am part of that.

I think of you a lot, and it is generally counting my blessings. I just wanted you to know that I see the effort and the heart you are putting out there and I appreciate it. I see how kind and loving and compassionate and intuitive you are. I see the things that weigh on you and the ways you live with decency and kindness and empathy. I’ve leaned really heavily on you and I’m not sure what I would have done without you.

I’m thinking of how exhausting this past weekend must have been for you. You really had no time for rest or relaxation or time to yourself and that must have been difficult and tiring.

I can’t seem to capture it now and it doesn’t seem as good as it was in my head. I guess I just want to tell you that I love you and I’m sorry for my mess. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for getting me and sharing your life and your self with me. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for bringing [your wife] into my life. Just Thank You.

Enough of my mushy drivel. I will regret this tomorrow and be embarrassed that I went on and on, but whatever. I’ll blame the fact that it’s late or that I had a drink. We won’t concentrate on the fact that it’s only 1220 and I had one drink for almost two hours. It was the bourbon that made me mushy. Yeah… the bourbon.

As long as I’m so “influenced” I can say whatever I want, and go on and on with impunity, I have to tell you that I love your very soul. I love you for being exactly who you are exactly as you are.

Kisses”

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women talkI had this talk with Traveler’s wife about some of what I’ve been going through and life and such.  We just were able to talk.  She kinda opened up and I’m thanking my lucky stars and I opened up with her too.  I was so woo woo.  I needed that.  It just soothed me.  I felt so open and so full of love.  I felt like someone really got it and got me and told me I wasn’t crazy and I was safe.  I really can’t do it justice.  I just needed it so much and didn’t realize how much I needed it.  It was a balm to me.

Not Like That

***I try not to edit the past or edit blogs for content if I later find them upsetting or embarrassing or whatever, but this time it wasn’t about me and that’s not okay. This post was edited because it contained information other people did not want shared and I have deleted their information. It is important that I am more careful with others info and I was not as careful as I should have been, so it was deleted.***

I like to have dreams about my sweeties, but not like that.

I had a dream last night that Traveler, Traveler’s wife, Peaches, Dragon and I were at a party. After a while we noticed Traveler and Dragon were gone and Traveler’s wife wanted to ask them something. We went looking and found Traveler and Dragon in the host’s big old tub in a sea of bubbles. They had champagne and looked smug to be caught together at the party. Traveler’s wife asked Traveler what the hell he was doing and Traveler said he was celebrating. He said he and Dragon were finally on the same page and that he would be moving to San Francisco with Dragon and they were planning to marry. Peaches and I put our arms around Traveler’s wife, who was shocked. I asked, what about us (meaning Traveler’s wife, Peaches and I)? Traveler laughed and Dragon did too, cruelly. Traveler said he was sorry to hurt his wife, but really.. what did I have to be upset about? “Oh, you didn’t think this was like.. really love, did you? Oh god. You did. Wow. That’s kinda pathetic”. And then he and Dragon laughed and laughed and laughed.

I went to Cleveland for some solace and he pulled away from hugging me when I shared the last line, about how Traveler was amused I thought he’d loved me, and Cleveland said “well he has a point. I mean.. oh.. wow… you really do think that we loved you. Um. Honey. That’s really sad. Of course we don’t LOVE you love you. God you’re needy.”

I woke up crying.

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Full Stop

I have to stop comparing. It’s making me so fucking unhappy. Stop stop stop.

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I am playing WoW and can’t concentrate because I’m all butt-hurt. There. It helped even to write it. I have to stop comparing. This is the second time I’ve done this and it’s so dumb.  I have to stop looking at my cake and then theirs and my cake and then theirs because it just makes me so miserable and otherwise I’m actually very happy. Plus it’s just impossible and wrong. When I’m focusing on my stuff, my plate, my world, all is well. When I look at theirs I think.. hey.. why do they get so much?

So, it’s a four day weekend and I was pretty fucking thrilled because that means I’d get a nice long date… a Saturday. I love Saturday dates, especially when they start a little early. It feels so long and you can have so much fun and relaxing and naughty time and just goodness. And nobody is tired from the week. And there’s breakfast. Mmmm.

So, nobody did anything wrong, but I just kinda feel like I got shafted and you know.. it’s really me and my head doing it. It’s all my head and it’s stupid.  Peaches got all of Friday night and the morning Saturday, and I got the afternoon and evening Saturday and she got the morning, afternoon and evening Sunday, and the whole morning Monday. I’ll get to see him for a tiny bit as he’s coming to my piercing with me, and I find myself butt hurt.

Let me explain. I am doing this to myself. It is totally me!

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Falter (When Will I Learn to Shut Up?)

ImageYesterday Hubby and I hashed out the details of our divorce.  I’m deeply relieved at no lawyers and no real vitriol.  But after we’d concluded the talk, I got weepy.  I spent a little time letting that out and went to Traveler’s to play WoW.  We planned a nice sexy shower and some good game time and it was a little different than planned.

I got there and we chatted as we ordered and waited for a pizza.  I asked him about work and his family and all the little bits of his life, kinda catching up a bit.  It was very intimate and sweet.  We snuggled a bit, ate some pizza and hit the shower.  We kept talking and washed each other and did not have the sexy vibe we’d assumed before I got there and it was good.  We laughed a bit and were just connected and relaxed.  It was very comfortable.

We played WoW for a while, and ended with more snuggles and talking.  It was a really nice peaceful evening until…

I asked him something playing at the corners of my mind-  did he think secondary relationships had any real chance at longevity?  I know I have thought about it but I wondered if he had.  We never talk about the future.  We talk about maybe taking a trip but never like “oh hey.. someday let’s go to New Orleans”… that implies a some day.  I don’t know for sure how he sees our relationship and if he thinks of any of it in long term.

ImageBut last night, with a little sadness with my husband, I think what I really wanted to hear that this love and comfort and companionship and trust I felt didn’t have an expiration date.  I knew that he and his wife had discussed their relationships and if they could build a life with their loves but I wanted to know if he could see a relationship with me having longevity.  So, dear God… I asked him.

I instantly felt totally off kilter and awkward and strange.  He said he did see potential and asked if I did.  I admitted I did.  Then I laid there panicking.  When we got up, shortly after, to have me go home he asked if I was worrying and I’d admitted I was.  I was unable to explain why I was worrying, and he hugged me from behind in the kitchen and told me that I shouldn’t spend so much time worrying…

ImageUgh.. I HATE being like that.  I hate being all girly and vulnerable and weak.  I held it together and covered and left with warm snuggles and kisses and then sobbed so much in my car I had to pull over to cry.  I cried about all of it; tears for my husband, who didn’t love me anymore when he loved her, the end of all our little dreams and plans and all the sacrifices, the war deployments, and all the times my heart broke because I missed his call from Malta and Saudi Arabia and the Philippines.  I cried for every time I opened my heart to someone that wasn’t worthy of it and all the times I kept it closed to avoid being hurt.  It was the kind of open mouthed sobbing that hurts.  I cried because I can’t talk about the future and it scares me that I can’t say “do you think we’ll celebrate Thanksgiving together someday? “.  I cried because I was awkward.  I cried because I don’t hate Hubby and I can empathize even if it makes no sense at all.  I cried because it’s stupid and that doesn’t matter.. it all happened anyway.  I cried because when Hubby told me he wanted to not be with me, so he could go and be with RollerGirl and raise her daughter and have another family, I didn’t want to be with him anymore either.  I was days away from asking for a divorce myself because of how he’d acted after he replaced me.  And I cried because I love Traveler and I don’t want him to stop loving me.  I cried because I love Cleveland and am falling for him so deeply and because he’s so wonderful and passionate and intelligent and sweet, and that scares me so very much.  There is nothing tying my loves to me or me to them.

If Hubby could push and push  until he threw me away, and he had all of those things holding him to me, how can I trust Cleveland or Traveler’s love either?  There is NOTHING holding them to me and there likely never will be.

ImageI realized this morning that I’m being needlessly worried here.  I KNOW that relationships are often finite and I accept them as being worth the future heart break anyway.  The measure of a relationship is not it’s length and a relationship isn’t a failure when it ends.  I accept the transitory nature of most relationships.  I’m worried about potential far off futures that may never exist.  I calmed when I thought of the now.  I live in a place I love and have a job that is fulfillingt.  I have friends and lovers and support.  I am literally surrounded by love.

Work to Do

Most of the time Peaches and I being friends works in Traveler’s favor.  We both love him and we genuinely like each other and spend a lot of time talking and doing stuff.  It’s nice for him because we like to all go to breakfast together, or hang out, and often she and I will work out schedules for our dates.  Easy peasy.  He’s really honest and has nothing to fear by us talking.  We’ve both checked in with him multiple times about it…if he’s okay with us becoming close, talking, hanging.  He is.

And yesterday it kinda backfired.  Peaches and I were supposed to go to a concert and it fell apart.  She was bummed about that and other things and just wanted to go home alone.  I tried to talk her into doing something else, but she was didn’t want to.  I left her to her bath plans.

I texted Traveler who’d asked earlier in the week if I was able to hang on Wednesday and told him I was free after all because the concert got cancelled, and Peaches made other plans, and would he like to meet for dinner or WoW?  He texted back that it sucked our concert was cancelled.

A while later I texted back and asked “So, do you wanna meet and eat or wanna WoW then?”.  He didn’t answer.  Peaches was feeling a little better and began chatting and I added that Peaches was free after all if he’d like to invite her.  Traveler was at his chiropracter and not answering, which is understandable, and then Peaches says Traveler just asked her out for a beer, so where are we meeting?

What?  Um.  Traveler wasn’t answering my texts and then he asks her out for a beer?  Wtf?  Continue reading