But.. but.. I was doing so well!

I found myself uncharacteristically emo.

monster hillgroveHubby and I are improving I think. It’s hard and we’re trying, and things are still really uncertain there and I have a lot of fear. Great Date and I have been stronger than ever, and things are so good there. We are so close and it’s so very much everything I want and need it to be. He’s working on his own things and growing, which is awesome, and something I really like in a partner. I’m proud of him, if proud is even the word. And our relationship is amazingly good on pretty much every level. Traveler and I are good too. We’re still pretty low drama and low maintenance, even after the “I love you”. We’ve said it once or twice since then. He’s such an engineer. Even Roller Girl and I are having a friendassance. We got to talk a few times and met for lunch. I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

So.. what’s all this emotion about?

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Can't Stop Prodding It

Looking at some sexual jealousy, mine and his.. and wondering how to consistently behave.  

green eyed monsterThings have taken a decided upswing with Hubby.  We’ve officially been in counseling for a few weeks now and have learned a few useful tools.  He’s also working a bit individually on himself.  It’s still only been days, but I am starting to see that maybe maybe maybe we’ll make it.  I can’t express strongly enough how much this would relieve me.  There’s been a lot of turmoil, but I still really love Hubby.

We had a good date where he came over to the city to spend time with me and we enjoyed each others company.  We talked and laughed, held hands and were kinda loving.  It was nice.  It was followed by days of better stuff too.  We were actually talking and being more like us.  And then last night I took a turn being the asshole.  There is this troubling spot, like a sore tooth I just can’t stop prodding. Continue reading

The bitter part of the truth

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I try in many ways to paint this rosy picture of my marriage. I feel a need to come clean. I didn’t do it before because I didn’t want to give a bad view of poly just because we were flawed and I didn’t want to malign Hubby. The God’s honest truth is that Hubby and I have been flawed for a long time. It’s true that most of our poly time we have been closer and better with each other.. but it’s also true that we’ve had dark times. Maybe saying this would help. Maybe it will make you feel not so alone. So I’m going to tell you the truth.

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Why is everything better in Morgan Freeman's Voice?

(I’m about to use a silver-tongued Morgan Freeman to shamelessly try to make a post about feeling guilty for being a jealous sex maniac a little bit funnier.  I pontificate a little about a minor sexual frustration, a really nice date, and then wonder what the F is wrong with me, because I’m still beating myself up for being a sexual being.)Image

The above is from a funny text of proposed punctuation marks.  It really IS fun to read everything as Morgan Freeman, so let’s do that now.  You are now reading Morgan Freeman’s silky voice.

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Jealousy and Cake

Okay.. I’m finally writing that post I wanted to write about jealousy.  I’m going in to work a little late and now’s as good a time as any.

The idea is that jealousy in a poly relationship is like cake. I stole this idea from a forum. Let’s picture a big delicious rich chocolate cake.  If I have a piece of it, and I’m happy with my piece.. if I feel I’m satisfied, then I don’t really care what you do with the rest of the cake.  You could cut it into 9 pieces or 2 pieces or throw it away.  I got my cake.

But say you gave me a skimpy sliver, or worse I wasn’t allowed to have any cake and someone strolls by with a huge yummy looking slab of cake and was all “mmm.. look at this cake!  It’s soooo good.. mmm.. chocolatey”, I’d be PISSED or hurt.

Jealousy in a poly relationship is kinda like that to me too.  If I have the time or attention of degree of relationship with someone that works for me, I don’t mind as much if they have dates on nights of the week they don’t see me or they are having fun sex with someone else too.  I’m not saying I never feel anything about this.. but in general this is how things are for me.

There’s a few caveats though.  One of them is the length and certainty of relationship.  Traveler was telling me about how his other gal friend was having a little trouble when he began dating me.  The two of them had been going out about 5-6 weeks, and she expressed to him that him starting to date me was scary and aroused some jealousy for her. She is dating a couple of other guys too, and she is aware and okay with Traveler being married, but adding me.. well.. it made her jealous.  She asked him “Isn’t that weird?  I mean I’m not jealous of your wife, but I”m jealous of a new girl?”.  They talked it through and things are cool and they figured it out.  I instantly knew what she meant when I heard the story though.  I can totally relate.  Continue reading

F. U. NRE

Oh did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Hubby and I had a date night last night.  Our recent dates haven’t gone too well and I tried to be specific in what I needed.  On past dates he has neglected to tell Roller Girl that we had a date and then spent half the night talking to her.  They had this rule for a bit where they’d talk only after 9 pm to control the NRE (which I hated because it totally ruined my sex life with them talking until 1030 or 11 and us unable to uh.. gain some steam).  I asked him to change it and he just never did.  Okay.  So I asked for dates.  They got messed up.  Ok.  I asked for more dates and got more specific.  There.

Now he and roller girl are all in love and honestly it’s pretty amazing and wonderful.  I really like her too, obviously, and she’s pretty amazing.  I like that she gets how wonderful my hubby (usually is) and that he shares my appreciation of her too.  I like more importantly that he can have this.

But.  But I am struggling, just yesterday and now today with a bit of the green eyed monster.  I feel a little replaced and again I feel that the entire world is deep in NRE.  I asked him if we could concentrate on reconnecting a little and have an uninterrupted date.  I was more specific.  I asked for a “no media” night, to start at 7pm.  We planned to work out, eat dinner and make love.  Excellent.

I asked him to tell Roller Girl and he didn’t, but it came up while we talked and she was totally supportive and awesome about it.  She said we didn’t need to call her later that night to say good night.  Her sister is in town anyway. I told Hubby this and he immediately called her and talked for a bit, ending the call by promising to call or text her goodnight.  Grrr.

It was pretty great date overall and we did talk and connect.  We never made it to the gym because after talking in bed we got to business and when that was done it was like 830 and we were starving.  We went to sushi and had a great talk.  I busted him on the way back checking his facebook because he commented on Roller Girl’s posts.  I gently reminded him that we are on a date and I wanted his attention.  He said “what.. I’m not texting her.  I’m just checking my Facebook”.  I told him I thought that was cheating and that I wanted his attention tonight.  He begrudgingly put away his phone.  He had to bring it with him for work calls, but dammit.

Seriously.. your phone again?!!

Seriously.. your phone again?!!

We got home and watched a little firefly and he of course again checked his Facebook.  I got tired quickly and asked him to come to bed.  He said he needed a minute and was down there on his phone again.  While I was getting ready for bed and trying to talk to him he came and got into bed, again with his goddamned phone.  I assumed he was texting Roller Girl and he swore he wasn’t.

This morning I woke up a little on the wrong side of the bed, thinking again how last night had been nice except for the fact that my husband can’t go more than an hour without some kind of contact (phone/text/pic/facebook) with Roller Girl and how really it still made me feel replaced that I couldn’t get one night of his attention… that he HAD to keep checking her Facebook and such.  I remembered how he’d been on his phone while we were getting into bed and how I’d told him it really chaps my ass that Roller Girl is the first thing on his mind every morning and the last thing on his mind every night, and that I’d wanted one night of his undivided attention and still hadn’t really gotten it, even though he’d agreed to give it.

I was wrong I know.. but I checked his phone.  Sure enough he’d texted her good night from our bed.  In his defense I had been wrong about the time.  He’d waited until I was asleep and then texted her, but still.  He really can’t go ONE NIGHT?!?!?

I don’t blame Roller Girl, or even really him in a way.  I know it’s just that they are excited and it’s all new and giddy and such.  I remember our own days of poems and sweet nothings and talking hours a day.  It’s not like we don’t talk now or that he ignores me or even that I’m super unhappy with the love he gives me now.  I’m not.  I just… I miss the days when I was the girl of poems and dreams and first thing every morning and last thing every night.  I wanted one night of that for myself and I asked for it as clear as I could and he agreed to it and just couldn’t do it.

Sigh.  It’s not a major thing really, and he’s not the first guy to have NRE or to be giddy to be falling in love with a great girl.  i’m not the first wife to be miffed at her place in the face of NRE.  I’m happy he’s happy, but I really wish he could be less of an asshole about it.  When I laid into him about it this morning (ill advised but I was tired and sore and acted badly) he just got mad and changed the password on his phone.  Awesome.

examining every feeling ad infinitum

I read a review of the show Polyamory Married and Dating and laughed my ass off at the comment of one reviewer that “those people examine and talk about every hint of a feeling ad nauseum”.  Hilarious.

I’m feeling out of damn sorts today and I have no idea if it’s me or her or her or him.
Roller Girl is having a birthday this weekend and her sister is coming in from out of town to celebrate.  Very cool stuff.  We are invited to the party and very grateful to be so.  Problem is, the sister is staying with Roller Girl and Kinky Boy and to preserve the sister’s view (and by extension the entire family’s view) of Roller Girl and Kinky Boy as an ordinary broken up couple who are raising a daughter together and progressively being okay with Kinky Boy’s girlfriend pretty much living there, this means no dates for Roller Girl or Kinky Boy at the house.  No problem.

After much back and forth they both decided this meant no dates for the weekend.  Dammit!  Kinky Boy could have come back to my house and still had our date after the party but he COULD NOT wrap his head around how.  Uh.. we all go to the party, you with your girlfriend and me with my hubby, and your girlfriend goes home to her perfectly wonderful apartment and you come home with me because my hubby won’t be there?  Nope.  He couldn’t get that.  I gave up after about 3 minutes of trying to explain that.  I’m disappointed but whatever.  What started to get to me was Kinky Boy’s girlfriend in the background saying how it just wouldn’t work.  I was a little pissed that she was weighing in on my date and my relationship frankly.  She asked him “Is she freaking out about this?”

girls-talking-smackFreaking out?  Uh.. no.  I was trying to have a conversation with my boyfriend about why he cancelled the date so that I could understand it and move on.  I wasn’t crying or upset or gnashing my teeth for Christ’s sake.  Unfortunately I think I know exactly what this is.  She also commented a few times about how this one time I sent him 4 texts in the course of a day when he’d forgotten his phone at home seemed  “pretty insecure and needy”.  The texts were “g’morning sweetness”, “What do you think about a play sometime”, “Hello?” and “What are you up to today love?”.  Not exactly psycho material.

She has also declared that she would like to start coming on our dates and would like a threesome with me.  She does not wish to pursue me individually however.  She seemed straight and like she was being pulled into this poly stuff and kink stuff and the idea of a threesome and it was really not hot.  I said I didn’t want to give up my dates for this.  Then I talked to her and then she was very flirty and kinda seemed to clear that up.  Now she’s talking about how it will all be easier when she comes with him on Fridays.  Uh.. Mkay.

Kinky Boy and I have gone from lunch 2-3 times a week to lunch on a set day.. Tuesday.  She started packing their lunches together.  I think I’m being wormed in on and I think I’m being had.  Of course he isn’t fighting any of it, so maybe not.  Maybe I’m wishing to see the girlfriend as the villain when really it’s just Kinky Boy not really giving a shit.  I don’t see him trying for more lunches or working hard to see me either.  Argghh.. work calls.

***update.  I had coffee with the girlfriend, as we sometimes do, and tried to clarify with her when she again referred to me as freaking out that I had not in fact freaked out but had asked Kinky Boy calmly why we had to cancel.  I tried to ask if she’d gotten the wrong impression that I am some needy emotional person.  We talked about how Poly has brought up things for me in the past and how it exposes stuff in people and relationships.  She insisted that I had freaked out, and that I could not let it go last night.  She became angry and got mean and told me that it was really needy that I had asked him “again and again” stuff that he’d already answered and that I “wouldn’t take no for an answer”.  I explained that I was trying to communicate with Kinky Boy and she said “he gave you an answer and you just didn’t want to hear it.. he was telling you he didn’t want to have a date with you Friday, Ok?”  She said she didn’t know why everyone “couldn’t go home with their spouses anyway”.  I’m the only one married there and it’s a pretty odd thing for a poly person to say anyway.  Guess who isn’t okay with the poly stuff?  I shut up and watched her face change.  I saw her other face and man is she hurt and mad.  I have a real problem on my hands and so does Kinky Boy.  There is no way I could be the one to warn him though.  She’d use it to torpedo me more.  I’m backing way the fuck off and steering clear of that mess.