All the Kinds of Love

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  I just woke up and smiled, thinking of last night.  The December drought of kisses and dates and yummy sex continues, but I can’t help feeling loved.  I had a pretty bad minute coming home, and then.. a bunch of joy.  Do you ever think about all the kinds of love in your life?

ImageI’d finally checked my old FaceBook messages, bored on the plane and learned the my husband had taken our dog walker to San Francisco to meet his sister.  A bunch of people were asking me if Hubby was in fact polyamorous because he’d taken his new girlfriend to California and had her meet his sister.  This was news to me since he and RollerGirl had recently broken up.  Then it clicked.  Hubby has been dating our old dog walker and RollerGirl for months.  Well, kiss my grits.  He threw me away, after months of abuse because he wasn’t poly and he was angry at me for being poly and that he was going to go be monogamous with RollerGirl.  But, here he had been dating two women for at least 4 months.  Fuck me sideways.  Continue reading

Bon Voyage

** I talk about more traveling, some thinky bits, and a sexy time date with Cleveland.  Just letting you know.  ;)**

ImageI’m going to my brother’s today in Phoenix.  It’s the last of my trips for a bit, thank god.  I’ve been having a lot of fun traveling and seeing cool things, but it’s going to be nice to have December over and go back to normal.  I miss time with my honeys and metamours and friends and my regular life.

I have been brimming over with happiness just lately though.. so happy and so grateful.  Traveler’s Wife and I had a text convo that left me smiling even the next day… just about our happiness, about love and connection and friendship and all these amazing blessings.  And last night I had my little sandwich date with Cleveland.  He was out of town until the day before and I’m going out of town now, the day after.  Thus the sandwich.  Wonderful.  It was so nice to see his sweet face and talk to him about everything and nothing.  There was so much snuggling and petting and kisses and the sex was ridiculously hot.  I asked him after if it’s like that for him too.  I don’t know if our bodies are just learning each others or we’re just syncing more, but it’s been really good lately.  And the talk!  We talked and talked about all kinds of things.. and he leveled with me on something.  He finally had a twinge, just a little thing, but we were able to talk about it and I’m hoping that I’m offering reassurance.  It was nice to see such real feeling from him.  I don’t want him to get twinges, but I have to admit it was nice to be able to talk about it.

perspective4It’s been funny.. vacillating between so much joy at all kinds of happy things and feeling so much love and feeling so loved, and also frustration and uncertainty in my few small moments.  I’m trying to remember that I’m tired and it’s just a stressful time of year, and that I shouldn’t read into anything, but I find myself more uncertain in these little moments, you know?  I’m not a girl who asks “what does it mean” all the time, of every decision and statement and behavior of my loved ones. I don’t have my friends read things to decipher the hidden meaning in them.  I assume people mean the things they’ve said.  I tend to be direct and I always assume others are too.  It makes me crazy to try to read into everything and I just don’t do it much.

But in these little moments here and there I find myself tallying.  Does him blowing me off mean I’m out here alone.. in love by myself?  Does taking 2 days to answer a text when I know they see every text mean anything?  Does this sweet gesture mean anything?  Did he mean it when he said what he said?  Ugh.  I HATE being like that, so when I catch myself I actually shake my head and tell myself a few things.

perspective1Its usually something like. “Self, listen.  This is an adult relationship.  If this person is trying to tell you things they have proven to you that they will say them.  You do not need to turn into the damn Riddler asking why why why.  This is you missing them and feeling a little vulnerable and sad to be without them.  Knock it off.  Look at all of this good evidence and remember that these doubts are existing now because you are just a little off of your balance.  Look at all of the proof, gained over time, that you love and are loved. Don’t let your fear tell you things that aren’t true.  It’s okay that you’re vulnerable and that this makes you a little afraid.  You are allowed to feel this, and don’t need to beat yourself up about it.  Feel the things you feel and when you’re asking yourself why you feel them, again you will see it’s just that you miss your lover.  They miss you too.  Look at the things that show you they miss you.  Think about all the good things you have felt and said lately.  Remember that you are actually happy and sure most of the time.  There is a reason for that.  It makes sense.  Relax.”

It’s funny how quickly a good little pause and reminder work.  As soon as I understand what is happening I feel it shrink and it’s a perspective change.  I see all the beautiful things.  I feel so loved.  I feel secure and happy and cherished.  I feel lucky beyond belief.  I can’t believe I am allowed so much love, to flow through me and to me.  I feel grateful.  I think of all the support and affection and laughter and giving of self I get, and I am bowled over by my blessings.  I have friends who shower me with love.  I have loves who are kind.  What a blessing of abundance.

I think of sitting in my car nearly weeping with joy, texting back and forth with Traveler’s wife about so much happiness and I can’t help but smile.  My people are so very good to me and I love my little budding family.  I can’t tell you what that means to me.  I literally don’t have the words.