I was just reading old messages to my blog and a link I missed a million years ago, to a blog I wrote a few years back and it linked to this song.
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember
I had my biggest break up a few years ago, and it’s taken me a while to sort it all out. It was like when my father died and I found myself thinking of things and feeling things I hadn’t thought about since I was 14. His death just kinda shook our snow globe.
Did you ever notice how things we don’t deal with come out sideways? I find the great lessons are like onions for me, and I peel back layer after layer after layer. I learn about being vulnerable over and over, or about extending trust again and again, just in new and deeper ways.
It takes a while after a break-up to sort out reality from hopes and habit. It’s hard to see a relationship for what it is when I’m in it. I spent too long in some relationships, trying to make myself happy with what they were so I didn’t have to do the work of being true to myself and leaving.
I spun sugar out of air, making connections where they didn’t exist and seeing the best in everyone at the detriment of the truth. I overlooked that selfishness or that drinking problem or that inability to be honest. I put up with his utter inability to handle emotion and told myself I was a good person for helping him learn, except.. did he learn? I said “he’s just tired” and “she’s just feeling stressed”. I tried to be agreeable when I was stood up or pushed off or managed. I forgave so easily because I just wanted them to go back to them loving me. Breaking up after that feels like waking up.
We repeat the patterns we’ve learned over and over again, don’t we? We are always trying to work out those first relationships.. make them love us, prove we can stay, show ourselves and the world how great we are to make this work.. we’ll make this work dammmit…
And the thing is that this isn’t a dress rehearsal. We have one life. What are we shutting off every time we do this? Why do we plead and pour and cajole and beg to make things that really shouldn’t last? And when they do come apart, why is it so hard to let them go and handle all the remnants. And why do we run away from taking the real chances at love because we don’t want to lose our security? Continue reading