He's Getting Remarried

Okay.. so.. I had the 5 year anniversary of my father passing, which was the same day as my old wedding anniversary to my now ex-husband.  If you are just joining this or don’t know the history, my ex and I were together for 13 years, married 11 of it and monogamous about 11 of it. We opened up and became poly, and he left me for his girlfriend that I had also been dating until he was too jealous of her and I to continue. He told me he couldn’t be poly, and then that he could, and again that he couldn’t. He began dating our old dog walker in secret while we were separated but talking about working it out.  We have been apart about 3 years now and are divorced.

third marriage

I did pretty well this anniversary and thought mostly of my father. I miss him, but it was somehow sweet this year to think of him, and not the aching pain of other times in my grief over him. It was good.

I messaged him and learned that he’d proposed to the dog walker and they were engaged. (He and the girl he left me for broke up in October of the year we separated and after we’d decided to divorce, and he’s monogamous with the dog walker since then).

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They Can't Take That Away From Me

Man. I’m a nostalgic mf’er these last couple of days.  I made it past my old anniversary without thinking of it.  Part of it is that I’m not really paying attention to the date, what with being on summer break. Part of it is that I think it FINALLY settled. I don’t feel the strong hurt I felt around my divorce, and the way my ex acted. I don’t worry about him as much. I even sort of accept my daughters not being in my life.  It sucked. Of course it sucked. But it is what it is. It’s sad that it ended the way it did, and sad that my ex was that person.

But.. I’m okay, and I’ve been okay for a long time now. The wounds are old.  I’m not saying they’re perfect, but they don’t sting.  A few weeks ago I teared up in the kitchen with Quinky and Traveler. A song Evan loved came on and I hadn’t heard it since we’d parted and I teared up. I realized it was the first time in a long time that I’d teared up about him.  I teared up more maybe because it was a moment when I remembered how much we loved each other, dancing in the kitchen.  I don’t really think about him much, and I don’t think about how we were really at all these days.  I’ve fallen in love again, and I’m a lot happier most of the time.  I love my ex because it’s the way I am built. But it doesn’t hurt anymore.  It’s more just that I hope he’s happy.

I think it’s healthy sometimes when long deep loves change.  In monogamy we stay because of duty, and security, and comfort. In poly sometimes we don’t acknowledge a relationship that isn’t whole. It can hobble along indefinitely because nobody has to be EVERYTHING to anybody, but really because it can be a crutch for not looking at how we love and are loved by THIS one person and how it’s not a whole or functional relationship. Other people fill serious gaps. Continue reading

Stir that Lemonade

Sometimes a thing just resonates with you, like a sounding rod, like a shot right to the core.  It’s the weirdest thing, but I am there with Lemonade, by Beyonce.  It’s her new visual album.  I watched it the other night when I desperately needed a break from school and zing.. it just struck a cord.  I can’t stop thinking about the ideas and the things in it.  It stirred up some shit in me.

gorgeous underwater surface image found at https://sandroworrell.wordpress.com/. Check them out. GREAT stuff.

The other night I just kept thinking about lies and lying and the dishonesty with those we love. I thought about my mother’s lies, the root of my hatred of lies.  I thought about lovers and friends and my chosen family and the lies.  I keep thinking about other things in the video.  I thought about love and redemption and trust and healing.  She just went there, like for real.  And she came out of it too, and I thought of my own times recently when I’m remembering who I am.  I’m remembering what I am.  I got a little lost there for a while, hurting, healing, reeling maybe.  But I’m not that girl.  I stayed there a long time maybe, but I can’t live in self pity or fear.  I’m not that girl.

I am my father’s daughter.  I am resilient and forgiving and strong and tenacious.  I feel deeply and widely and strongly but never easily.  I don’t like being vulnerable, but I’m learning to be okay with my capacity to do so.

It still bothers me, this way I need people.  But I know that the fact this bothers me is the real bother.  People need people and I am not immune.  It’s the weird thing about vulnerablity being a strength.  My love can wear it down.  I’m remembering that I love me too, just not more than I love you.  I am remembering that I make plans and dream and actually make some of it happen.  I’m remembering that there is a long line of times in this world that you love someone as trully as you can and maybe they just can’t go there.  But it says nothing about you.  It’s about them.  And no.. this isn’t remotely about Traveler.

Traveler can go there.  He’s learned to speak and I’m learning to listen more and more and more.  He says the stuff because I love it, but I’m seeing it too.

And family.. well.. that one’s hard.  but isn’t it always?  Family is loving people beyond the parts of them that make you crazy.  I chose my family, but that doesn’t mean they don’t make me nuts.  Love them anyway.

I don’t know.  I just feel a lot of things popping up to the surface that have maybe been down under the waves for a while.  I feel myself rising to the shimmering surface there.  I can see the bubbles and feel the pressure of my breath held so long, but I feel it faster and faster.. I’m coming up.

People Lie

Sometimes people tell themselves things.

I posted a rather stupid comment on my grown daughter’s Facebook page that implied something I honestly hadn’t meant.  I was trying to be funny and failed.  The dog walker jumped on there and called me out and said something to the effect of “shame on you.  (Ex-hubby) and (daughter) are father and daughter!”  I replied that it wasn’t her business and that I knew they were father and daughter since I helped raise my daughter since she was 7.  But I realized my comment was kinda stupid and apologized to my ex and my daughter and deleted it.

The dog walker sent a message to me saying it was her business because my daughter is her family and my ex and my daughter belong to her now.  Um. Okay.  Like they are cows.  It’s not like I think my ex is mine at all, in any shape or form.  I get that my daughter is also becoming the dog walker’s family.  This is natural.  They are in each other’s lives daily and likely care a great deal about each other.  More people loving and treating my daughter well is awesome in my book.  My daughter becoming family is awesome, but it doesn’t make her any less my family too.  And as I said here many times, I genuinely liked the dog walker.  I think she’s a good fit for The ex and she was always really nice.  I’m honestly not sure what beef she could have with me.  I never talk to her, have no dealings with her, talk to my ex (her boyfriend) hardly ever, and have never said a negative thing about her.  I’m a grown-up.  She was always amazing with my pets, and seemed like a genuinely nice person.

pinocchio

Image of pinocchio from stevemehta.com

So, here’s the thing that puzzled me with this.  When she sent her irate message, she started it with “your cheating is out in the open now”.  Um.. yeah.  I’d say me having sex outside my marriage is pretty fucking well documented.  I’ve been writing a blog about it for 3 years now and it has gotten over 120,000 hits and has 750 or so regular prescribers.  I am out to pretty much everyone.  My husband and I told our families we were open.  Even a few people at my work know.  It’s not a secret.  I had sex with others.

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Resonate

Lindsay & Austin // EngagedFor some strange reason my ex-husband has been on my mind a lot lately.  It hasn’t been an angsty thing.  For a little while now I have been able to look back with a more balanced view.  I remember all the good things and acknowledge the bad with less pain.  I would be friends with him if that were possible, because I miss some really great things about him as a human being, but I would never want to date him or any of that.  And I do of course remember the hurts, but without that fiery ember.  I’m not angry with him and I see it more clearly, the ways neither of us meant to hurt each other and the collision that was our end.

And maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking of him.  For a long time I made myself crazy going over things and then for a long time I tried not to think of him much at all.  But I can think back now.  I feel healthier.  I feel like I can see things more accurately.. all of the ways I contributed to things good and bad, and the ways he did too.  Neither one of us is a blameless victim of anything and neither one of us were evil.  We were both such fallible human beings.  Have you had a break-up?  Relate to this at all?

broken mirror couple

I have been thinking about the people that resonate with us.  My ex used to hate this, that I talk about people resonating.  I can’t help it. It interests me.  I wonder what the effect was on us of loving each other.  What did I leave there, after the healing, after the end, after all of our years, what’s he holding?  For a while I couldn’t see him accurately.  It hurt too much and I was angry.  I know it was like that for him too. I could not imagine he knew me so little.  It was crazy. But I was making him the angel and the demon in my mind when really he’s just a man. Continue reading

It's Just a Thing

Isn’t it funny the things you get attached to?  I teared up a bit bringing my car home from my friend’s house tonight.  It was just for a second, but still.

mini at schoolI have to sell the car because the repair bills when something breaks are difficult for me to pay, and I have to sell it now because it’s a stick shift and I broke my foot and can’t drive it.  I’m moving on and just bought a different automatic car that is really awesome and I love.. but still.

It’s the end of an era!  I bought my beautiful mini-cooper S in 2006.  If I could I’d keep it another 10 years.  I have considered learning how to work on it myself so it’d make more sense.  It’s the funnest car I’ve ever driven.  There are faster cars and bigger cars and cars with more utility or whatever.. but my sporty little gem is the funnest car ever.  It has toggle switches!  It has a super charger!  It has sport seats that hug your body while you drive it and it is so responsive it feels like you are WILLING it to go places.  Burning through the gears getting on the freeway feels like you have rockets.  You THINK about turning and it responds.  You feel the road and the panoramic glass and being low like that feels like you are with the road, part of the road.  That alone would make me miss my lovely Clara Bow.  (I named her after the sexy red-headed spit-fire actress from silent film).

But it’s also what she represents. Continue reading

Celebrating with my daughter and RollerGirl

I went out tonight with my oldest daughter (step-daughter) and RollerGirl.  It was the daughter’s birthday the day before and RollerGirl’s the day after.  If you’re new.. RollerGirl was the woman Hubby and I dated separately and together.  She’s the one Hubby said he was leaving me for.  More on that in a second.  I like RollerGirl though.  I always did.  So it’s not that weird to have fun in a hang-out situation with her.  Yeah.. it’s kinda weird that she and my daughter are close.  It felt like another betrayal at first, that Hubby would leave me for RollerGirl AND that my daughter would be angry at me for the divorce, AND that to add insult to injury my daughter wouldn’t really talk to me but she’d become close to RollerGirl.  I’d been there for most of my daughter’s life and RollerGirl was this woman she’d met a few times.  What the fuck?  Right or wrong, I felt really betrayed by Hubby and RollerGirl.  It turns out that RollerGirl talked to my daughter and tried to get her not to be angry at and blame me, that while I’d been hurt and upset at them talking it’d be a good thing in the long run for my daughter and me too.  It also turned out that she’d never planned to have this family with Hubby that he’d told me he was leaving me for.  He’d said it to me and the counselor to hurt me, I guess.  It was the cruelest thing he could say and he knew it. Continue reading