Yours and Mine

It’s come to my attention that I need to accept the love in my life.  I had life experiences that led me to believe that there is a lot of danger in wanting and loving and trusting and believing.  I have little experience that says this is a good idea.  And it’s time I decided to jump anyway.  I can’t keep living so that I am always prepared to the inevitable fall because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but more importantly because living life in fear is no way to live.

I’m going to exaggerate this to make my point.  When some kind of disappointment happens I jump to feeling stupid.  I jump to tell myself “well.. there it is.  You are a big dummy to fall in love like this.. see… see.. here is the proof of some terrible thing.  You are dumb.  He doesn’t love you.  She will walk away like everyone else.  You are a fool.”  Obviously it’s not this obvious, because I’d never tolerate such a thing and I’m actually kinda smart.  No.. it’s subtle.  It’s the way I interpret some action and have this tinge to my perceptions.  Time and time again I’ve have some occurrence, imagined the worst, spun, and then talked about it or got more info and felt silly because of course I know he’s not like that or she would never do that.  Why do I jump to cruel intentions and self flagellation?  I’m not a glass is half empty kind of girl.  I’m the girl seeing the silver lining in everything.  So, what’s up with the incredibly negative slant I have here sometimes? Continue reading

Divorce Day

***I wrote this the night before the divorce and didn’t’ publish it, but I’m letting it go now.  Partially this is because I just lost the draft of the other post I’d been working on, and partially because I think someone who is going through this kinda process might relate to it.  I’m sorry it’s so sad, but it’s just where I was at.  I’m doing a lot better again.  I think I was so emotional because it was the last step in our ending.  I have been already rebuilding and moving on for some time now, and it surprised me how fresh it all felt the day before and day of my divorce.  I think it was a “last gasp”, and I’m happy to say it is fading back to where it had been after months and months apart.  I don’t like that my marriage ended or the way it ended, but I feel like I’m making the best of it and the ways in which I am better off.

Quinky Girl did come with me that day and made a terrible day a little bit beautiful by being there and by her love.  Afterwards I had lunch and a few drinks with her and Chicago and Chicago Boy.  Later that night I talked to Cleveland and got a sweet message from Cleveland’s wife.  And later, when I was kinda breaking down again, I talked to Traveler for a long time, saying all the terrible things I was thinking and being loved through each one.  The next day I got up and felt better.  I’m not alone and I am loved.  I’m overall pretty happy again.  I have come a long way since Hubby and I separated and I’m back to that.  But I wanted to let this post go in case someone needed to relate.***

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It’s 1 am the day of.  In the morning I’ll head down to the courthouse and finalize my divorce.  Hubby plans to be there and Quinky Girl is coming with me, thank fucking God.  I didn’t think to ask her or anyone to come and she offered and I very gratefully accepted.

 

girl on bench

A girl sits on a park bench in a fall scene, looking at the empty place next to her.

Getting married you hardly think about the paperwork.  It’s a formality and a legal thing that pales next to the commitment you are taking.  Divorce is the opposite.  It’s all about the paperwork and it’s at 1 am that I can’t stop crying thinking of what was lost.  I’m getting flashes, like a damn movie of him laughing with his head back and his white teeth and the way his eyes crinkled.  I’m remembering dancing in a parking lot with him and how funny it was that he wore my engagement ring before he gave it to me.  I’m thinking of us blessing our dead baby, a fetus sitting in a dixie cup on a silver tray in an ER.  I’m thinking of the first trip we ever took together, to Maui from Oahu, and the drunken happiness of being with him.  I’m thinking of wrestling with him until we were both exhausted, and the way he cried the first time we had sex.  I can picture touching his belly, and holding him when his ex-wife took his daughters to the mainland and he was broken.  I can still feel his tiny kisses on my eyelids and his absurd glee about Jeep trucks and his first one, with the sound system worth more than the truck.  God.  I just can turn it off right now.  It’s almost over.  It’s really been over for a long time now, but it’s almost over.  It’s almost over for real.  I’ve let it come peice meal because otherwise it’s almost too much to bear.   Continue reading

The Spell Was Lifted

nina simoneI just had the oddest experience.  I met my soon to be ex-husband to sign some last papers for our divorce.  He came and brought our little dog, and I got to pet the cute little man while Hubby signed.  Afterwards we briefly chatted and I asked after our pets.  He had not after-all brought his girlfriend with him to sign our papers (as he’d planned).  I like his girlfriend, who was our dog walker for years.  She’s a good person and I think they make a nice couple.  But, as nice as she is it’s a little annoying that he’d bring her to sign for our divorce.

Continue reading

Moving In

I’ve been off the grid a bit because I’ve been moving.  This past Saturday, I settled in.  Tired, relieved, sore, happy, worried, relaxing sigh… I’m in.

ImageMy one roommate, the one that kicked me out, has been asking me how the new apartment is, and honestly part of me didn’t want to tell her.  It’s wonderful.  I’m so happy to be there.  So many things about it are just awesome.  It’s such a relief to have my own space.  It’s so comforting to have a place where I could have my friends over.  After we’d moved everything, Traveler and Quinky, Cleveland and Chicago and Chicago Boy and I toasted with pizza and beer.  Quinky made a lovely toast to the new place, and to this being the first of many good times in it with family and friends.  I held my breath not to cry.  We sat on the floor and ate pizza and it was glorious.  I am blessed beyond belief.  The family I’ve found, and these beautiful generous loving people are more than I could ever hope for.

Quinky worked something like 50+hours and still came and hauled things all day.  I know she was tired and sore, and I never expected her to pitch in like that.  Traveler had been out of town all week and had woken up at 330 am to take Peaches to the airport and then crawled in my bed for snuggles and a little more sleep that morning.  I was nervous, and he soothed me with his loving touch.  Cleveland was there, bright eyed and his usual happy self, acting like moving me was fun, even as he sweated and carried all the heaviest things, he never complained.  Chicago and Chicago Boy showed up, worked their asses off, and made everything just a little bit more fun.  It was actually about as pleasant as a move can be.

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Everyone loves the new place.  It’s simple but really nicely apportioned and maintained and in a great location.  It’s a good size toot.  It’s definitely better than anything else I could get at the price range, and the drawbacks are few and easy to handle.  Continue reading

I have a crush

My boyfriend and I were sending each other sweet sexy pics when he dumped me flat for a phone call.  I texted an appreciative response and a pic and he just stopped responding.  Radio silence. Some time later he popped back up and said “sorry I was on the phone with _______”.  Harumph.  That kinda smarted.  He didn’t mean it that way and to be honest I do kinda get it, and it’s not a hill I want to die on.  It doesn’t feel good to be dumped like fucking bologna but I’m gonna chalk it up to bad timing and a slight insensitivity and let it go.  I’m gonna tell you about my crush instead.

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Oh my god I have a crush.  I think I’ve had something like 3 crushes in my entire life, so it took me a while to realize it.  I have a crush!

There is this girl who belongs to the NSPP (a poly group I am finally a member of and adore) and I find myself drooling on her in the virtual world.  She seems so witty and funny and pretty and sexy and just.. awesome.  She’s WAY out of my league, sadly, but damn do I enjoy crushing on her.  She’s vivacious and she sends out these occasional sexy snap chats, and comments now and then on the NSPP board.  I get a little thrill each time I see I have a snap from her.  I thought she was just foxy when I saw her snaps, but she was so beautiful I had to check her out.  I went and looked at the public version of her Facebook and OKCupid profile.  Ahem.  She was even more amazing. 

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She’s an intelligent and accomplished woman.  She seems like a genuine and interesting person.  She says cool things about relationships and sex and love.  She says a lot of other cool things.  We’re actually a pretty good match.  Sadly she also seems like a very very popular person who is overwhelmed with dating prospects.  Drats.  Of course she is.  She’s a phenomenon!  She’s a science geek.  She’s crazy hot.  She likes to play roll playing games.  She has cool hobbies.  She has dizzyingly delicious curves.  She has long thick hair and a beaming smile.  She talks a lot about joy and laughter and smiling in her profile.  She seems so cool I’d desperately want to know her even if she weren’t smoking hot.  I may giggle uncontrollably or be struck dumb if I ever see her at an event.  It was slow at first..  “Oh, would you look at that sexy snap.  Wow.  That girl is stunning”.  It’s quickly becoming “I think I’ll just read her profile one more time and compare our answers to the dating questions again.  Maybe we would hit it off if we ever met.  Maybe I’d really get that lucky.  You never know.  Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett.  Stranger things have happened.  Maybe she’d like a short ‘little too curvy’ girl”.  I’m smart and I have cool interests too.  Okay.. so I’m not really in this girl’s league.  Maybe I can hope for a really cool heart or a strangely reciprocal appreciation.   

ImageMaybe I’ll send her a message. 

Gulp.  I can’t.  What would I say?

I’m chicken.

I’ll just give her a bunch of stars on OKC.  Maybe that will make her smile.

It’s kinda fun to have a crush. 

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Work to Do

Most of the time Peaches and I being friends works in Traveler’s favor.  We both love him and we genuinely like each other and spend a lot of time talking and doing stuff.  It’s nice for him because we like to all go to breakfast together, or hang out, and often she and I will work out schedules for our dates.  Easy peasy.  He’s really honest and has nothing to fear by us talking.  We’ve both checked in with him multiple times about it…if he’s okay with us becoming close, talking, hanging.  He is.

And yesterday it kinda backfired.  Peaches and I were supposed to go to a concert and it fell apart.  She was bummed about that and other things and just wanted to go home alone.  I tried to talk her into doing something else, but she was didn’t want to.  I left her to her bath plans.

I texted Traveler who’d asked earlier in the week if I was able to hang on Wednesday and told him I was free after all because the concert got cancelled, and Peaches made other plans, and would he like to meet for dinner or WoW?  He texted back that it sucked our concert was cancelled.

A while later I texted back and asked “So, do you wanna meet and eat or wanna WoW then?”.  He didn’t answer.  Peaches was feeling a little better and began chatting and I added that Peaches was free after all if he’d like to invite her.  Traveler was at his chiropracter and not answering, which is understandable, and then Peaches says Traveler just asked her out for a beer, so where are we meeting?

What?  Um.  Traveler wasn’t answering my texts and then he asks her out for a beer?  Wtf?  Continue reading

chondroblasts and hyaline cartilage

Break ups are abounding.  The poly boards are full of people transitioning and breaking up and stuff is just ending.  You’d think poly people just can’t keep a damn thing together.  Truthfully though my Facebook feed is full of the same in mono world.  Things are more impermanent than we like pretending.  We say forever and ever but MOST marriages end in divorce.  It’s just not too common that we meet the one person that completes us and are with them for 50 years happily.

I’m not a girl who falls in love easily or often.  I’m a mushy mush ball of feeling.  It’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t attach or that I don’t love or desire love.  I do – with my very core.  It’s just that I am a pragmatist and I’m slow to really invest.  I seem more open than I am because I’m very sexual and sensuous and open with some things that others would be very private about, but the truth is that I am protective of my little vulnerable bits.

Peaches and I hit the kink club last night.  Such weekday girl fun!  And I talked a tiny bit with Peaches last night on the way home and I realize I am carrying wounds.  I came home and thought again of all that had happened in my marriage and the million little cuts.  I’m slowly healing and rewiring and I will be okay, but man.. there was a lot of damage.  I have a lot of work to do.  I have reviewed and reviewed my actions and I see plenty of room for growth, and that is what I can concentrate on.   I can’t do a damn thing about the thousand cuts, but nobody can say I didn’t try.  I’ve endulged very little emotional cutting.  Emotional cutting is the dragging out pics and listening to sad pappy music and wallowing in the hurt.  I did a little of course and still do in tiny spurts.  It’s a part of the healing process in measure.

My current favorite song for the times I need to hear something beautiful that helps me touch my little vulnerable emotional bits:

It’s important to have your dark and your light.  I’m good at making and maintaining friendships and I’m blessed with a lot of love and support.  I’m good at picking myself up.  I’m good at building.  I’m good at salvaging what I can and I’m good at finding the good in the situation.  I see the opportunity here and the new beginning and potential.  I’m afraid and hurting, but I really am okay.  I’m good at working on myself.

These are some of the strengths that will get me through this.  There is a limit to how much time even I can keep me down though, so I’m already rebuilding and moving on and getting it together.  I am already healing.  I think Hubby made a horrible decision for himself and I think he is foolish, but I think he made that decision long ago.  It happens.  I’m stopping asking why because it’s not helping me.  It doesn’t have to make sense.  He didn’t do it because he sat down and reasoned it out.

People do stupid and horrible things every day and I just try not to be one of those people.  Life is not fair and it’s not easy or smooth or logical.  Life is messy.  Things break, even beautiful treasured things we thought were iron-clad.  I could rail against this.  I could gnash my teeth and scream and stomp my feet.  I could unleash a list of all the ways it wasn’t right, but in the end it is what is.

I can accept that though relationships are always meant to be they aren’t always meant to be forever.  I can see that my marriage has ended and that it ended doesn’t mean it was a failure.  13 years of love is not a mistake.  We had a life together and it’s time for a new life.  I don’t want to waste it tilting at windmills or whirling like a dervish.  I want to build things and love and laugh and explore.  I want to heal and grow and learn.  I want to take the things I have and make beautiful things of them.  I want to never stop learning.  I want to build trust and I want to heal my wounds.

When you break a bone it grows back thicker.  Did you know that?  At first it gets covered up with these strong thick kinds of bone cells and is reinforced.  It forms a thicker bigger bit of bone and reinforces it.  Over time it heals and thins again and smooths.  It lets go of it’s defense.  It is never erased and you can always tell where a break has occurred, but this damage becomes a good thing.  It becomes part of the network of strength in the bones.  It’s different and it’s changed, but it’s good.  I’m filling in my thousand tiny cuts and learning learning learning.