Okay. New relationships don’t totally suck. I love new kisses. I love the heady feeling of petting a new amour (old amours too :)). I like getting to know people and the excitement of those times when you find someone pretty great. I love learning about somebody I like and discovering shared interests and what makes them tick. I absolutely love being let into a new person’s weird little world.
But the “will we?”, “won’t we?”, “what is this?”, “will he call?”, “should I call?” thing.. I fucking hate. I’m not talking specifics here, but a general thing. I despise being that girl. I hate wondering if they like me, if they really like me. I hate not knowing what I am or what is expected. I don’t like second guessing myself or asking myself dumb questions or worrying about dumb things. I don’t like being like.. “so.. I’d like to see you, um, you know if you’d like to see me, um.. is it too soon…”. I do not like feeling off of my balance and I don’t like the process of becoming vulnerable or putting something out there.
I don’t generally do the “girl” thing of constantly asking myself and my girlfriends what everything means. I tend to just read or hear what people say and assume they mean that. If a person likes you they will find a way to let you know unequivocally. I don’t treat the people I date like obtuse ruins I have to endlessly read. If they are that vague, frankly they aren’t a good match for me. I like good communicators. I don’t seek and decipher hints. I don’t chase people or play games like not answering for x amount of time to see if they like me. All those reindeer games annoy me. MOST of the time I can avoid this sort of milquetoast mealy-mouth wishy-washy basing-my-behavior-on-theirs kind of thing.
If I like you, I say I like you. Okay.. I’m getting better at that one. The mush talk is hard for me, but I told Cleveland I liked him and didn’t even hide my face. If I am interested in you I will find a way to let you know clearly and directly that I dig you. My actions show I’m interested. If I want you I will tell you I want you. If I wonder about stuff, I’ll ask. It’s a good policy. If something bugs me I’ll tell you it bugs me before it’s a big deal. You will always know where you stand with me. It’s a quality I like in myself and others.
So, I have to admit that the little space between “this is fun and has potential” and “I love you and you love me” makes me nuts. I’ve dated a lot. I’ve fucked a lot. But, I have not put myself out there for a relationship much at all. It’s a small handful of people I’ve been emotionally vulnerable with. I’m a total nube at it and like most people doing most things the first few times, I’m not super good at it. It makes me feel a little off my balance, risking something, and I am not a fan.
I am a strong independent woman. I’m smart and capable and sometimes bold. Dammit, I hate being this weak unsure person. I hate that something small makes me doubtful or afraid, even if it’s only a teeny bit. Thankfully I usually get tired of feeling that way quickly and stop doing whatever is making me feel that way. It’s just not a place I’m comfortable and I do not linger. I’d like to avoid it all together and be awesome with opening up and being vulnerable- consequences and potential hurt be damned. I’ve grown here, but something tells me it’s going to be an ongoing growth point for me.
I’m learning.. slowly slowly slowly.. to be okay with the in-between. Maybe there are even things to like about this time here. Maybe.