Saying and Hearing the "bad" Stuff

Maybe it’s having been sick and having spent time in my apartment alone.. thinking.  Maybe it’s a few things occurring in succession.. I don’t know.. but things came to a head for me.  And I was thinking.. a lot.  I blogged like a mad woman, and am still doing so, evidently.  Here’s the skinny.talking pets

Feeling solo poly.. or a secondary, even in my “non-heirarchal poly” was chapping my ass.  I have to make this clear, that I am involved with sweet kind loving people who treat me well.  I am LUCKY.  And I know it.  My little family, my Murder, is a special and rare thing.  So, it makes it hard to complain.  But complaining is what I felt like doing and I need to maybe make tiny adjustments, even if just in me.

It’s was a chaffing at my spot.  It’s that Cleveland and I do not get nights together much, and we almost never get weekend time or normal date time.  It’s Traveler making a decision to cut our date the week he went on his man-trip to give the time to his wife and me not understanding a lot of the factors.  It’s little tiny niggling things I hadn’t really addressed too. Continue reading

Quinky Girl Understands "Too Much"

I read this post by Quinky Girl at Blogspot.  It’s called The Mystery of Medusa.  Holy shit.  Holy Shit. 

ImageI said to her:

“Holy shit.  Printing.  I can’t believe someone said it.  I can’t believe someone gets “too much” and all the layers of it.  I simply can’t explain too much.  I get twisted and don’t have the words and it comes out weaker and stronger than I mean it and with all the wrong emphasis.  You’re right that the particulars are different, but that the feelings are similar.  I saw my thoughts and feelings in so much of what you wrote.  It’s been a year of coming to terms with “too much” again.  I thought this was one I had licked.  I grew so much with it and at first I was exhausted to find myself here again, but I see it’s a journey with me.  I’m not in the same place, but I am on the same path or digging in the same vein or whatever.  I like the growth but I don’t always like the process.  I accept it, but it’s not comfortable.  That’s okay.  My life is not about being as comfortable as I can be.  Thank you for digging this up and posting it”.

Fugees – Killing Me Softly

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd.
I felt he’d found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on.

Strumming my pain with his fingers.
Singing my life with his words.
Killing me softly with his song.
Killing me softly with his song.
Telling my whole life with his words.
Killing me softly.

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there.
But he was there, this stranger, singing clear and loud.


I Asked Him

Things have been going tremendously with Cleveland but I’ve had a small concern lately, and I asked him about it.

ImageI felt lately like he was a little hard to schedule with and he’s been busy every weekend except the weekend we went to Portland.  I still saw him, so it wasn’t really an issue, but it was a noticeable departure that weekend dates seemed pretty much off the table.  And the overnights died too.  I didn’t think much of it the first few weeks it happened.  People get busy and work was insane for him.  It started to seem that overnights were just off the table.  Then the communication between dates lessened. Again, not a BIG deal because he’s been busy at work and busy with side projects and I know he tries to have time with his wife, as he should.

Hell.. I told him that all the time when we got together to kiss her extra and sex her up and tell her how amazing she is and how much he loves her.  I told him to get quality time with her. You gotta be sure you shower your existing connections with time, love and attention as you add new ones.  When Hubby added his girl that was it for me.  The days he wasn’t with her he was mooning for her, moodily snapping at me from the computer.  He talked to her hours a day when they weren’t together.  They talked first thing in the morning till last thing at night.  I never stood a chance because I never got his time.  How could we get romantic or snuggle or connect?  He hated telling her when we had dates because she would support his time with me and not talk to him.  He eventually just didn’t make any dates with me.  They went away a few times and he was never able to go to Portland with me.  We booked a hotel 3 times and cancelled each one because it was a bad time for him.  I stopped booking the hotel, and planned-weekend after planned-weekend lapsed. We never went to Portland.

I could never be part of that with another woman.  I could never be happy knowing a man I was falling for was mistreating his existing loves.  She’s been there with him through thick and thin for 18 years!  That shit is precious and needs to be honored and cherished and cared for.   Continue reading

Maybe I'd Like It If My Boyfriend Fucked Her…

I met PolyV, Great Date’s new gal, yesterday.  She’s lovely.  He was right too, she’s prettier than her OKC pics.  She seems lovely inside and out actually.  Go Great Date!

She told Great Date she’d like to talk to me, when he told her a teensy bit of how I was struggling a bit, and that he’d like to temporarily limit their dating time to two days a week or less, including coffees dinners and working together from home.  This is a temporary thing he did to help me have a little time to adjust and to have them go just a little slower for a little while.   Continue reading