Really? Really?

Ugh.  Dating is the fucking worst sometimes, isn’t it?

dating

I am feeling disheartened.  I really am.

I talked with this guy last night and had all this clicking all over the place.  He is smart and interesting and a good conversationalist.  I put out feelers for a nice casual friend for some adventures.

We talked late.  We talked so late I was late on a paper.  He just seemed.. kinda great.

So today we talked about meeting for a drink.  He was willing to come by my house and I made sure that he understood meeting by my apartment would not mean that there would be any sex, and that I hoped we’d have a drink and talk.

Hours of conversation.. all that talking about all kinds of things last night and this morning and then he cools.  He isn’t so into meeting.  I ask him about it and he says he’d rather not meet for a drink, and asks to meet at my place or his.  I say we don’t have to meet for a drink.  A coffee or a walk or a yogurt or something are fine.

More foot dragging.  Talk about it again and he explains that if I’m uncomfortable we can meet in public, but he’s met people from online before without the meet and greet and it was fun for all and not all about the sex.

I tell him I understand that not everyone does things the way I do, but I would like to meet and just talk without expectation.  When I have met people from online I had oodles of sexy talk with, often the click isn’t there and for me sometimes that is because I feel like there is an obligation or expectation and it’s just better for me and sexier to meet without expectation and let things take their course.dating2

He was rather petulant about it, and we thanked each other for the time.  Just like that.

So odd.  Why would you talk to a woman for hours and hours and then refuse to meet her for a drink if she would not promise sex immediately?   Wouldn’t it have just been smart to go, have a drink, chit chat and end the meeting with a kiss and maybe plans to play next time?  In the best case scenario you meet just for a drink, hit it off and end up together that night, right?  So weird.

What the fuck dating world?

I think I’m going to take up knitting or something instead or join a cribbage league or something.

You and I both know I’ll change my mind.  But right now I’m thinking.. fuck dating.  What a bunch of bullshit.

 

cat lady

Owned

Traveler added me to his OK Cupid dating profile.

I cannot say enough how much I love this.  I teared up.  My beautiful man listed me as one of his partners.  He isn’t out in many places, but out there dating he claimed me.  I am one of his partners.  He let people he would date and play with know right up front that I exist and it makes me feel safe and important and loved.  I’m listed right there in the first section as his girlfriend, with how long we’ve been together and a link to my profile and everything.

Traveler and I are OKC official.  😀

The Pineapple Plan

Turns out there was a nice Dom on OKC.  Dammit.  NO attraction at all.

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just given the ol’ pineapple

He was significantly heavier than his profile.  He was funny and nice, intelligent and was a RIDICULOUSLY good fit for some of what I’d like in play partner.  He got that I wanted this D/s dynamic only sexually and was respectful and cool, and just a little playful here and there.  We talked a lot and were slowly building up our dynamic.  Our kinks lined up well.  I kept being surprised by this and he kept pointing out we WERE a 98% sexual match.  It was kinda uncanny.  Sigh.

I tried to talk to him a while, to see if maybe our text-chemistry would translate somehow to life and win me over.  It didn’t.  In the coffee shop I positioned myself to not be touching or in danger of touching him.  When he put his hand on mine at one point I recoiled.  I had committed to a coffee and then having him walk with me to his house on the way to my next destination.  It was an awkward walk.  I kept both hands full and tried not to encourage him.

He stopped at one point and pulled me to him.  I held my drink in front of my body and let it be trapped between us, not moving it aside.  He kissed me over the drink, just a second and I pulled away.  A peck of sorts.  He raised his eyebrows and said.. “Eh?”.  I shook my head no.  God help me.  He looked a little hurt and I felt like a shit-heel. He asked “like kissing your brother?”.  I said.. “Welllll, a little.  Sorry”, and started to walk.  I hoped that was the end of it.  We resumed talking and I could not get to our destination fast enough.

On the way he took another shot.. “This is a nice shady bench if you’d like to stop and make-out a little”.  God, this was painful.  “Um.  No thank you.  We should just keep walking”.  I was going to have to just say it and stop being vague.  I tore the band-aid.

“Listen, I’m sorry.  I am not feeling the chemistry.  I’m sorry but it’s just.. not working for me”.  I shut up before I apologized 40 more times.  I didn’t know how far away the Arena was at this point but I could not kill this guy with a thousand cuts.  He was a decent guy and I genuinely liked him.  I just knew there was no way I’d fuck him.

He swallowed and I bit the inside of my cheek.  He said “Well, that coffee shop wasn’t really conducive to chemistry, you know.  We should try again with a better atmosphere.  Maybe we could go get drinks and such, somewhere more.. um.. chemistry friendly.  I mean, I find you really attractive, and you are attracted to me, right?”.  Oh God.  Really?  I could not lie to him.  I felt like the best thing to do was to be honest.  And as I opened my mouth to do so I knew I was pure evil.  “Well, I mean, you’re reasonably attractive…”.

What the fuck!  Oh my holy living lord of the flies.  Did I seriously just say that?  He winced.  I would have winced.  That was brutal.  I tried to backpedal and he was classy about it.  That made is so much worse.  I was fairly certain I would be in a slightly nastier part of Hell.  We arrived at his place a minute later and said a quick and awkward good-bye.  I practically ran with relief to be free when he turned to go inside.  I speed walked away.  I would have run if I could have.  I can’t stand this part of dating.

ImageGreat Date was there when I arrived and said “How’d it go?”  Seeing my pained face, he said “pineapple?”.  I nodded and hugged him and told him all about it.

See.. the pineapple comment refers to my pineapple plan.  I can’t stand telling people no at the end of the date and I can’t stand stringing them along.  A lot of people do the email later, and I may have to take that up.  I just don’t usually do it because I think it’s chicken and I don’t like to string people along, but fuck.. it’s hard to just be clear and kind.

So, here’s what I would do instead.. here is my proposal.

Bring a pineapple on your date.  At the beginning of the date, you put it on the table.  You have the date and at the end, if it’s not going to happen, you don’t have to say anything.  You just do the accepted symbolic gesture of sliding over the pineapple.  It’s like a parting gift and a consolation prize.

You won’t be seeing me naked, but here.. enjoy a delicious pineapple.  If you do like your date you ask them to eat it with you and put it in the middle of the table.  If they aren’t interested, they slide it back to you, maybe with a regretful smile.  Sure, you’re rejected, but you have a lovely pineapple to enjoy.  And you use a pineapple, or maybe a mango because these lovely fruits make your sex taste sweet.  So, at least you’ll be nice and fresh for your next date.  Who’s with me?

OKC 10

I’m gonna rant a little about some bitches on OK Cupid.

online dating

Recently my gorgeous Hubby and my sexy boyfriend Great Date have been reeling from a bit of the ol’ dating scene, and I gotta say.. I have a bone to pick with the phenomenon I’ll call the “OKC 10”. I’ll explain in a sec.  See, both of these men are pretty amazing.   Women who meet these men generally  find them attractive.  They have no shortage of possible ladies.  Great Date alone had like two women wanting to give him a go this month (sadly they were not a good fit).

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Do you have to be a douchebag to flog someone?

So.. talking a little about Adult Friend Finder (AFF).  I’m still kinda playing with the idea of Adult Friend Finder and finding an occasional playmate.  It’s a good site specifically designed for that sort of thing, even if it is a little buggy.

Last night I had the house to myself with Hubby out on a date with Roller Girl, and I had a fun time shooting a few naughty pics for Great Date and for an interest.  I’ve had tremendous success getting guys to contact me and a few couples too, but I haven’t been that super interested in much of the attention I’ve received.

Some are outright nuts.  One guy actually IM’ed me and then when I didn’t respond in an hour, sent me a message calling me a cunt.  I went and looked at the profile of this Neanderthal and he messaged me immediately saying “so you are real?”.  His profile was this angry bitter thing about how fake and shitty girls on AFF are.  Interesting approach there, pal.  I had never previously talked to this dude.  I couldn’t help myself and sent a message to him explaining that I hadn’t gotten his previous message and that I would definitely not be chatting with him now because he was an asshole.  I get about 100 instant messages per day.  I don’t sit around on AFF, so I rarely answer them, but even if I did I would never answer the messages of a psycho with that profile that called me a cunt.  Whack job.  He said a message yesterday asking me why we never chat.  Psycho.

douchebagI have gotten a sea of guys who clearly didn’t read my profile message me and are obviously just messaging every girl there.  So.. of the hundreds of replies I think there were maybe 8 good prospects.  One wasn’t interested in me because I was out of his weight range but he was a real gentleman about it and we parted nicely.  One is still writing.  Two are still very interested, and they are cute or have some similar interests but I’m just not feeling it.  One exchanged a few messages and then just kinda dropped it.  One just kinda died out.  I think I may have waited too long.  And one was a very interesting prospect with VERY similar interests and one we kinda message now and then.  He’s being pretty hesitant, which is actually totally cool with me.  He’s a part of a couple that might want to have couple fun, and that would be even better in my opinion.

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The Benefits of Being Open

Sometimes you end up having conversations about something with everybody and you see it here and there and it’s just everywhere?  Synchronicity!

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2rDi_ML69lA/T8TJYxcJ1zI/AAAAAAAACn8/V73TQX62v2Q/s1600/We%27re+Open.jpg

This week it seems to be musing about the benefits of being open.  Traveler and I were talking about  the education we end up giving people on OK Cupid (a free online dating site popular with the open and polyamorous set).  I  had a guy write to me (with realllllly bad spelling and grammar btw) asking me if I ate paint chips as a child because I don’t make sense when I say I don’t date cheaters but I’m a cheater and I say I don’t want sex but I want sex.  Sigh.  I sent a very nice educational message.

Traveler and I (and most poly and open folks I think) tend to do more of the more welcome “what the holy hell is poly?” or “how does being in an open relationship work” kind of education.  He now has a canned phrase he uses to explain how and why he and his wife are open and I asked to steal all or part of it to streamline my own answer and he said it’s mine to pilfer.  My answer to this is still sometimes a little wordy.  Part of his answer was something I’d just been discussing with Hubby and later discussed with Great Date too, all conversations I didn’t bring up but that my loves were all talking about:

  “[it’s] challenging at times, but also extremely rewarding. The really great thing about it is that we have opportunities to meet different people — people who have had different life experiences, different interests, different skills… it means we’re always learning new things… about ourselves, about relationships, about emotions, about life… and so we continue to grow, improve, and evolve… both as individuals and as a couple. Sound kinda cheesy? Sorry. It’s something that’s made a big impact on my life, so it’s hard for me not to get a little poetic about it… 😛
There is a strange and wonderful side effect of poly or open relationships.  Beyond the love, the sex, the companionship, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the fresh energy, the sexual and emotional exploration with your partners, and beyond all the communication and processing and dealing with your own stuff and that enormous impact on life and relationships.. there’s this other benefit.
Living openly in your relationships requires a bunch of other kinds of being open; open thoughts, examining for yourself what certain words and rules mean to you and choosing to keep or discard them, openness in your communication, in your willingness to embrace new people and situations, an openness to looking past how things should be and well.. a bunch of other stuff.  This openness ends up paying off in a plethora of ways.
I really am learning new things about myself  For example:
  • I’m learning what is at the root of almost all of my jealousy and insecurity (I am afraid I’m not good enough for someone to really love and sustain and that everyone you care about too much will leave),
  • about relationships (that absolutely nobody is ever absolutely everything to anyone else and attempts to make that be the case often result in a great deal of pain for all involved),
  • about emotions (just because a fear is totally irrational doesn’t make it less powerful.  I have to get in there and untangle that stuff to really understand reality on a deeper level)
  • about life and it’s infinite possibilities.
I’m still such a newb to being open but already the effects are so vast.  I have become very intimate with a really interesting array of people since we’ve been open (and no I don’t only mean sexually intimate).  I get why Traveler gets a little poetic about it.  I say all the time “Poly brings out things in people and relationships” and that’s utterly and completely true.  But it’s more than that too.. being open brings up so many more alternate universes and so many more choices and paths.  Being open to possibility and connections being what they are is an amazing gift.
I like to think I was never easily boxed, but I think that’s becoming even more true now.  My interest and exposure is expanding.  I have so much curiosity and am learning not only new answers, but learning there are vast oceans of questions I didn’t even know existed.  Both the way I think and my thought content are changing.
I love this quote, “Face your fears and doubts, and new worlds will open to you.” -Robert Kiyosaki

alternate bob

image source:

http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/1407.html

I need a platonic poly friend

I need a poly friend.  I need one so bad that I’ve actually asked a few of the nicer folks I’ve been chatting with on OK Cupid (in order to date) to please just be my friend, but I’m not having much luck.  Does that tell you anything about the people I’m meeting on OK Cupid (with a few exceptions)?  I don’t have any poly friends that I’m not dating or that aren’t involved with those I’m dating.  This sounds like I’m dating 40 people.

There is kinky boy and roller girl, uh.. no.  I’m dating both of them and they are an estranged couple and this is the source of much of the drama in my life.  (Not their fault.. I didn’t mean that.  just the SITUATION).

There is Great Date and his Gal.  Uh.. no.

There are people I was talking about dating but that I may or may not date.

I’m glad there is a meetup coming up, and I’m going to hit some events.  I’ve been concentrating on dating and I need to concentrate on FRIENDS.