They Might Come Out

Recently Cleveland told me that he’s increasingly thinking about coming out.  I have to admit I’m excited for him.  Traveler also said he’d been considering being out, and might after certain conditions are met.  This surprised me.

ImageIt’s nice to be out, and I have to admit I agree with Dan Savage’s call to come out.  Lots of bisexuals are still closeted and this does contribute to the stigma about bisexuality and the lack of percieved support.  Even more non-monogamous people are not out.  I can’t remember the figures, but I think it’s something like only 20% of bisexuals are out and I have no idea what percent of non-mono folks are out.  Much like homosexuals, most people know a bisexual or non-monogamous person or a few, and if more of them were out there would be more people who knew they knew a bisexual or a non-mono person and it’d be that much less weird.  I’ve been out about being a bisexual since I was a teenager and came out as non-monogamous in stages over the last year.

I can’t agree more that it’s important to be out if you can.  As more and more gay people came out there were more and more places and people with whom being gay was okay.  I think a lot of people talk about coming out “if it’s ever a good situation to do so”, and I think it doesn’t really work that way.  I can’t wait for the climate to change so it’s easy to come out before I come out.  We need to come out to change the climate.  Those first lesbians and gay people didn’t come out to rosy acceptance everywhere.  Someone had to start and it might as well be me… or you.  Continue reading

What do you think?

I was thinking of newbie questions and got curious.

If polyamory is multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved members, how do you approach a potential dating prospect? How do you respect your love interest’s existing relationships? Do girlfriends/boyfriends input matter to you? Do husbands/wives?

If you like to have input or involvement on your partners prospects, do you respect other people’s partner’s input too? Would them being a married partner or a committed partner affect how you’d answer that?

Maybe it's Ok to Want

want and needI got to the root of my possessive feeling and was able to let it go.  Good.  Then I had kind of a funny train of thought.  I felt like I had to suddenly  be shiny happy people about absolutely anything a partner wanted and that I shouldn’t have pesky needs of my own that impact them.  I realized what I was thinking and actually laughed.shiny happy people

I think it’s bunk to say that because I am poly and I don’t own my partners and they don’t own me, and we don’t get to dictate to each other that we can’t want or ask for things.  It might be in my head (and likely is) but sometimes I get the feeling like wanting something or needing something or asking for something is taboo if I am a GOOD poly.  I feel sometimes like I should just be ever happy compersive un-needful things.

Of course being open and loving and “good, giving and game” are awesome, but where would I get the idea that it meant I was allowed no wants or needs or requests in my relationships?  I told Traveler I wouldn’t like to share time with a fourth and that I would not be happy with less time than I currently have with him, and that had been perfectly okay.  He hadn’t wanted that either.  But either way.. even if he had felt different, I’m allowed to tell him what I want and need.  I won’t always get it but I need to at least say what it is.

shiny happy people 2I don’t want less than one day a week.  I’m sorry, but to me that feels like the minimum.  Less than that feels like it’s not a relationship but a booty call.  Ideally it’s a little more here and there.  It doesn’t all have to be date/dates.  It feels as good if those extras are time with them in social settings and polycule things and whatnot too.  To be a relationship though, I need time.  I have been getting it and it’s okay to say I would like to keep doing so.

The same goes for Cleveland and asking for things, of course.  I realized that I have been trying not to ask too much of him.  I have been trying not to ask for dates, especially on the weekend.  I’m trying to be sensitive to his wife, but I think I may be taking that too far.  She’s really supportive, for one, and I just have to kinda come to terms with the fact that the time I am asking for potentially takes time away from wives.  It’s a fact.  These men and women have agreements and understandings in their marriages, whatever they are, but they are signing on to be poly, and this does mean that their partners will have relationships and those relationships matter and deserve time too.  If they wanted to have convenient booty calls then they probably wouldn’t have been poly.  They’d just have convenient booty calls.

Both of these women are totally on board and supportive of their husbands.  And more to the point.. I need to trust my partners to know and honor their agreements and tell me if I can help them do so.  I can’t keep trying to guess and cater to the imagined feelings of other people.  For all I know Cleveland’s wife WISHES she had more weekend days with the house to herself to do as she wishes.shiny happy people 3

I want to try to schedule around what works best for everyone involved when I can, of course.  I want to be sensitive to the people that are important in the lives of the men I love.  But I also need to keep being being clear about what I want and need, and generally I am.  I need to remember that this is okay. I have to watch my desire to be so accommodating that I trade in my own happiness.

I matter too.  The people I’m dating treat me as though I matter.  I respect the role of my sweetie’s wives but I can’t assume and create a situation where I will forever and always be second no matter how long we are together or where my needs don’t matter.  NOBODY is asking that of me and it’s not necessary, helpful, or a good idea.  It’s okay to say I don’t want less time than I am getting or that I’d like a more regular shot at weekend days eventually.  I won’t get everything I ask for or everything that I want in life any more than I do in bed, but the same rules apply.  If I tell my partners what I want.. uh.. they just might DO IT!!! 

          Shrinking wall flower just doesn’t look good on me.

Tender Little Feelers

I’ve been a little insecure for a few days.  I’m working on it, and it’s not overwhelming or a big deal, but it’s not super fun.

feelersLittle things and big things.

I kept having this nagging little thought.  Why did Hubby not pick me, like from the beginning?  Why’d he tell RollerGirl 2 months in that he felt like he was cheating on her with me?  Why did he do stuff like become super irate when I asked to talk about our safe-sex agreement and never forgive me for even asking when RollerGirl herself admitted she misinterpreted what I’d written and it was clear I just wanted to talk about it?  He could never forgive that I’d upset her.  Continue reading

The Light Side

I want to talk about the light side.  I’ve written a lot of angsty dramatic drama-llama stuff lately.  Hey.. the dissolution of a 13 year relationship is a little hard.  This week especially has been difficult.  Oddly enough, the actual “we are over” part has not been as bad as I feared.  I’m actually pretty okay.  It’s been a relief.  All the pressure and misery is lifted.  I come home and people are consistent and pleasant.  Nobody hates me or yells at me or stomps around angrily.  (He just called as I was writing and ended up yelling and screaming at me.   Whatever.)

A n y w a y, the lighter stuff.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Hubby and I had talked about a list of stuff I would be taking, and he talked about “why?”.  He said he’d replaced me because I was such a slut I’d made him feel unsafe.  He’d taken away his love.  RollerGirl had been willing to make commitments to him that I hadn’t at the time and that made him feel safe.  (Namely we’d opened our marriage and agreed to date others and she’d agreed to see only him for a while.)  He said he was also realizing he wanted more kids.  He would like to raise a family with someone he loves and I cannot have children after our 3 miscarriages.  RollerGirl can have children and has a young child now that Hubby is crazy about.  It was the most tender of my tender spots.

It was kind of a sucker punch.  I’m a slut and he wants a family that I can’t give him.  At least I finally understood why.  I can’t give him a family and my sexuality made him feel unsafe.  Okay.  Time to move on.

I took my tender feelers out to dinner with the girls.  We’d planned it a week and a half ago and I was glad we had.  We talked only briefly about my junk and then moved on to better things.  We laughed our asses off, talking about dating and life.  Traveler’s wife, his girlfriend Peaches and I just enjoyed the night.  We ate good food and commiserated.  We dished.  It was one of the worst days of my life and my face hurt from laughing and my muscles had the relief only a good orgasm or evening laughing can give you. Continue reading

The Sum Total

I went to my house yesterday to pick up some more things, and Hubby came home before I was finished.  It was all made clear.  He said he isn’t doing well, and that he doesn’t see any hope.  He would like our split to be permanent.  Honestly, I would too.  I don’t see how we could fight back from this.  We started the preliminary talks.  I get to the dividing in a second.

Right this moment, I’m shocked.  I don’t know why I’m shocked, because it’s what I’ve been thinking.  We separated and he hasn’t wanted to really talk since.  In his defense, I haven’t really either.  It’s been nice not dealing with someone’s constant hate.  The stuff he says is so patently false and strange.  I have hopes we can come to an agreement about our stuff, but I think it’s going to be a challenge because already I can see unreasonableness on his part.

Now about the stuff.  I need to total it all up.

We have a house here local and it’s at the about even or slightly below point.  It also has a nice big mortgage.  He can afford it and I cannot, so I’m willing to walk away.  He’ll make a pretty penny in a couple of years, but he’ll have to cover the mortgage with his big old salary to do so, so that seems fair.  Because he has this big old salary he also gets our dogs and a cat.  I’ll take the other cat.  (I can only have one).  The pets are additional financial burdens, but again, he can afford them and I can’t.  Makes sense if he’s taking the house that he should take most of the pets.  (This is by far the hardest part to divide) Continue reading