I’m going to talk about how I got kinky and how I’m exploring that now.
I’ve had a resurgence of my Dom quest.
Ever since I broke things off with Kinky boy I’ve been on and off craving exploring more in the vein we had begun. I’ve always been kinky, even if light in the expression of it. I’ve long loved handcuffs and ice, wax and kneeling, spanking and passion, dirty talk and manhandling. It’s the mainstream path my proclivities took. I read Anne Rice’s kinky books (The Beauty Series) in the early 90’s (my early teens) and have fantasized ever since.
I have had mildly kinky lovers and gotten to try some fun things, but serious “in the scene” kinky kink had eluded me, until last year when I dated Kinky boy. That relationship was a train wreck of epic proportions but holy god… the sex. He was seriously kinky. He was “a huge suitcase full of things I barely know what they are” kinky.
On our first date he laid out all of his toys from his big old suitcase. I stood there in the center of the room as he completely covered the king sized bed with things I could recognize and those I couldn’t at the time. There was a ball gag and cuffs, a leather bondage harness, a hood, floggers, paddles, crops, and a cane. There were gloves and lubes and a candle. He arranged his ropes and straps and a spreader bar next to his kit of needles and supplies. I saw a shocker and a tail with a butt plug. I stood there, mostly naked, as he’d told me to, as he slowly and methodically covered the bed.
When he finished he led me to the bed and told me to pick what I wanted to try. I told him I didn’t know what a lot of it was. He explained all the different things and asked me again what I wanted to try. I asked what he liked to do and he said he liked to do all of it and again asked me to pick. I was shy. I didn’t want to ask for what I wanted. He sat down. He got up and went to the bathroom. I peeked in the kit with the medical stuff and the needles and touched a few things. He came back and sat down again. After a little bit I cleared my throat and said what I wanted. I wanted him to use the flogger, and the needles. I figured a person that was brand new like me would pick the things I’d already recognized… and I wanted to do something bolder from that. I wanted to do something I was afraid of. I liked his look when I said “needles”.
It began a four month exploration of a whole other side of my sexuality and my personality. Independent, headstrong, feminist, determined me.. was a sub. I loved being bruised and stinging. I loved being spanked till I thought I couldn’t take it anymore and wincing and wriggling at his fingers so lightly touching my ass before he fucked me so hard I could not breathe. I loved that I wanted to do anything to please him. I loved utterly letting go sometimes, not being in charge or responsible or in control. I loved reading all about this new world in books and websites, and looking forward all week to Friday nights and how he’d make me shake and surprise me.
There was so much about the relationship that was unhealthy and wrong for me, but I could not let go of our sex. There was this whole new world of sex and this whole new side of me. Everything about this was out of character. It was hard for me to see how much I loved to give it over to him, but I came to terms with it by understanding that I was relinquishing my power. He wasn’t taking it. I was giving it to him.
I think I dated him about 3 months longer than I would have because I didn’t want to let go of the sex. But he just made it impossible and I cut him loose. And so, I’ve been hoping to find some of that dynamic again.
I’ve talked to a lot.. LOT.. L O T of dudes. I added and deleted “kinky” from my adult friend finder and my OK Cupid accounts. I’ve been to lots of munches. I’ve discovered a few things.
- A great number of dudes think kinky means “does anal”. For the record that’s not an opener. Also, anal is hardly kinky.
- There are a lot of assholes masquerading as Doms. They try to get all ordery with you the second you show up to a coffee meet and greet. “Eat that cookie!”. Um.. you might be a Dom, but you aren’t MY Dom.
- Sharing some really cool kinks does not mean you are otherwise compatible.
- Lots of guys who say they are Doms have pictures that are VERY different than what they really look like on their OKC profiles.
- I’m not an easy sub I guess. I don’t run all over just submitting. I want to have crazy awesome kinky fun time sex, but I’m picky. I want to be attracted to the person and feel like they are trustworthy. I want them to earn it a little with how they treat me. I also like being disease free and I want to stay that way.
I recently found Cleveland, of course, and we are having seriously fun times. There are entire plethoras of stuff we can explore and every time we talk I find 10 more things I want to do to and with him. He’s a lovely lovely lovely kink. More importantly he just turns my crank. He turns me on with his kink and his sensuality. I love that there is so much I’d like to do with him and eventually I’ll work up the courage to say so. I’m getting there. I’m loving him in and out of the bedroom and I’m excited to get to some of the things we dream about.
I’d like to do the harder stuff though too. I’d like the endorphins of needles again and I’d like to be beaten with a flogger, nicely at first, and then the thuddy pain of it. I’d like to be taken down and I’d like to play with consentual non-consent, more ropes and more bruises and more handprints. I’d like to play with power and breath and my edges. I’d like to be pushed.
So… I’m trying yet another tack. I joined the local kink club myself, instead of waiting for someone to take me there or guest me in. I’m hitting events and doing an “all you can eat” month, where I’ll attend a bunch of events. I’m making friends. Maybe, just by having fun and meeting cool people and just going about my life, I’ll be around those with similar interests and maybe something can materialize. And hey.. If not, at least I’ve made cool new friends who share my interests. There HAS to be people out there who like the twisted shit I like that I can have attraction and chemistry with. Right?