I went out tonight with my oldest daughter (step-daughter) and RollerGirl. It was the daughter’s birthday the day before and RollerGirl’s the day after. If you’re new.. RollerGirl was the woman Hubby and I dated separately and together. She’s the one Hubby said he was leaving me for. More on that in a second. I like RollerGirl though. I always did. So it’s not that weird to have fun in a hang-out situation with her. Yeah.. it’s kinda weird that she and my daughter are close. It felt like another betrayal at first, that Hubby would leave me for RollerGirl AND that my daughter would be angry at me for the divorce, AND that to add insult to injury my daughter wouldn’t really talk to me but she’d become close to RollerGirl. I’d been there for most of my daughter’s life and RollerGirl was this woman she’d met a few times. What the fuck? Right or wrong, I felt really betrayed by Hubby and RollerGirl. It turns out that RollerGirl talked to my daughter and tried to get her not to be angry at and blame me, that while I’d been hurt and upset at them talking it’d be a good thing in the long run for my daughter and me too. It also turned out that she’d never planned to have this family with Hubby that he’d told me he was leaving me for. He’d said it to me and the counselor to hurt me, I guess. It was the cruelest thing he could say and he knew it. Continue reading
I know I’d pretty much resolved the Traveler thing a few days after it had happened. I’d worked out some of the feelings and questions it raised, even if I had a cascade of questions I was asking myself both about him and Cleveland after some things with Cleveland, but it was really damn nice to wrap it up in a bow with a nice talk last night. I’d pretty much decided that what I’d wanted from Traveler was just to hear me. I understood more why he had to cut our date and I knew after talking to Quinky Girl that had I known what was up I would have pushed him out the door and told him to go where he was needed. It was not just that she felt neglected after days with him. It was that he felt needed and wanted to be with a person he loves… a person I love too. She had really been suffering with sickness and stressors and he just wanted to support a person he loved when she needed him. Seriously? Who’d be mad or hurt about that? Many times Quinky Girl and I have supported each other that way. Just a short while ago she’d asked us out for a quick drink on our date after a challenging day and it had been so fun I don’t think either Traveler or I had wanted to leave. As I went through my struggles with Great Date and with my ex-Husband, many times Quinky Girl and Traveler had been there for me in much the same way. It is what families do.
So.. I knew it had been a misunderstanding and I just hadn’t had all the info. Continue reading
I had this good talk yesterday with an old friend. Talking to her, I remembered again how things were, even 6 months ago, but also how some things had been for a long long time. It’s funny the things you get used to and the things you’ll overlook or gloss over. She was talking about how she’d been in a situation with a lover and she’d loved the good so much that she kept glossing over the bad, trying to forgive it, or see it as her being too critical or how she needed to be more understanding or more patient. “He’s just going through so much”, “he’s tired”, “this is hard for him”. It’s how both of us had been in a relationship that wasn’t right with somebody who had a ton of wonderful qualities, and a few really bad ones that made being with him toxic.
Things came to a head with Hubby, and he asked for a divorce, probably days or weeks before I could ask for one, about 6 months ago. So I’m just slightly further on this particular path maybe than she is. She’s still where I was very shortly ago.. wondering if her life is really going to be okay. And I found it hard to explain, but I really think it finally will be.
Letting go, even of something that isn’t right, is so fucking hard sometimes. Sometimes we get so used to bad things that they’re comfortable. I spent my 20’s undoing a lot of my tendency for that, but I have to admit there was obviously still a little bit of that there in me to have taken so long to get out of things with my husband and then so long to get over them (still working on that) and so long to see that I was better off without him. This last bit is new.
I feel like the universe is showering me with good. I know that’s a weird thing to say, I mean, I’m getting divorced (signing papers today) and my roommates asked me to leave because they can’t stand living with me, and I am pretty broke, eating my savings to move and afford an apartment on my own. But here’s the thing.. these are good things too.
It’s of course a sad thing still that my marriage ended, or that the good era of my marriage ended. I do miss the good things about being with my ex. I think you can miss who a person once was and what you had with them, even as you acknowledge that it is gone. I didn’t stop loving him. It doesn’t really work that way. I was talking last night with a friend about relationships and (unrelated) I kept thinking that it’s sad when things change in ways we might not have set out to go, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to change a relationship that no longer really works or is not really fulfilling. Every relationship involves compromise but there’s a limit to that. Holding on to relationships that aren’t right for us, even if they are with really lovely people, blocks us from the motivation to pursue and devote ourselves to things that are more fulfilling. It keeps us from growing and it keeps us stuck. It’s hard, but it’s good to see relationships for what they are. (again this isn’t about my friend.. just a thought I was having)
Having my marriage end was awful and hard and painful. If you’ve read this at all, you know that. But it was ultimately healthy for me, I think. It was a catalyst for change and growth. It made me think about who I want to be and what I want to be doing, and I’m working on that. And I feel like I’m making progress.
I’ve gotten to travel a little bit and bond more with my friends. I’ve fallen madly in love with Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s wife, and we’re having a polyaffective love affair. (I like to call it courtly love). Do you ever fall in love with your friends? You’ll hear more about that on the podcast, when it posts, and you can read more about it at her blog post here.
I’m moving on from a living situation that caused a lot of discomfort and starting my life in my own place. I’m dating kind, loving, sweet, intelligent, sexy, passionate, interesting men who treat me very well. I am in love and falling madly. The people in my life are honest with me, as far as I can tell, and none of them seems to have an overly difficult time talking to me about things honestly. I mean, I AM still dating men, engineers and computer dudes at the moment, so you know, there’s THAT. But I am really grateful for men that are good to me.
I’d like to date a woman, and have more of a connection with a lovely woman that included sexy times, but it’ll happen or not as it needs to and I feel no urge to chase. My life is abundant. You never know. Maybe lovely Amelia will resurface.
I’m enjoying writing more again with this program my friend gave me that allows me to talk and dictate, and I’m looking forward to leaving my easel up so I can paint more regularly. I’m loving roller derby and finally seeing improvement in my skating. I’m getting excited to cook more and have fun learning how to make yummy relatively healthy things. I’m thinking of taking some classes. I’m exploring my kinks. I’m getting things together to go back to school. Growth for me has often been a process that starts with pain. Pain is a great motivator. But after the pain, action and reflection ushers in a period of joy and of loving the growth. I don’t always like the process or the changing, but I love the results. It’s so nice to be marveling at the good stuff right now. It’s just so nice.
I have to add and admit to one last thing too… I have such fun sexy plans. I’ve been talking about trying something new. I’m talking about trying a few somethings new. In fact, we’re talking about sexy adventures in all of my relationships. Oh, how I love that. I’m awash with sexual energy and musing. I’m having the best time not really imagining anything specific, but liking the promise and planning little explorations. I love when I’m like this.. all sensual energy and writhing excitement at my sexy plans. I can’t wait to explore.
I haven’t written this week because I haven’t had much to say and didn’t have any burning topics. I thought I’d do a quick little bits and pieces post though of little things that weren’t a whole post.
I just had great dates and a great night with friends. Cleveland and I had this sort of wonderful midweek date with talking and walking and fucking and eating and petting and snuggling. We’re getting excited for our Portland trip and I just love how things are going there. It’s funny when things are kinda right how easy and good they are. There isn’t any angst or gnashing of teeth. There isn’t any big discussions or issues. It’s just good. The affection is good, the sex, the talk, the fun, the plans the hobbies.. all of it. I just enjoy being with him. The only hard part is sometimes missing him.
Then Traveler and I had a great date. I had all these plans and in the end he was just too tired, which worked because I was too tired too. We went to get a cocktail and the food looked yummy and we ate there. Then I got a little randy and attacked him, and he was an all too willing victim, and then we played Wow and snuggled each other to sleep. It sounds like a boring date, as so many of our dates do, but it was not at all boring. Again, I just have so much joy.
I love that the men I love are such good friends to me. I love the level of conversation I can have with them and the just… good. I can’t tell you somehow or express how much I am just in pure and utter joy. I like it. I like it all. I like it exactly, in every way, exactly as it is. I find myself gazing at them sometimes, while they blog or fold clothes or smile at me, and I am thinking just how lucky I am. It’s an amazing thing to find someone you respect and love, who excites you and holds you, gets you and lets you get them. It’s just such a marvel to so love and be loved. It’s one of life’s precious things and I rain kisses on their faces and soak up all the smiles. Ahhhhhhh.. Just Ahhhhhhh. After the long and difficult road at times… Ahhhhhhhh.
I have to stop comparing. It’s making me so fucking unhappy. Stop stop stop.
I am playing WoW and can’t concentrate because I’m all butt-hurt. There. It helped even to write it. I have to stop comparing. This is the second time I’ve done this and it’s so dumb. I have to stop looking at my cake and then theirs and my cake and then theirs because it just makes me so miserable and otherwise I’m actually very happy. Plus it’s just impossible and wrong. When I’m focusing on my stuff, my plate, my world, all is well. When I look at theirs I think.. hey.. why do they get so much?
So, it’s a four day weekend and I was pretty fucking thrilled because that means I’d get a nice long date… a Saturday. I love Saturday dates, especially when they start a little early. It feels so long and you can have so much fun and relaxing and naughty time and just goodness. And nobody is tired from the week. And there’s breakfast. Mmmm.
So, nobody did anything wrong, but I just kinda feel like I got shafted and you know.. it’s really me and my head doing it. It’s all my head and it’s stupid. Peaches got all of Friday night and the morning Saturday, and I got the afternoon and evening Saturday and she got the morning, afternoon and evening Sunday, and the whole morning Monday. I’ll get to see him for a tiny bit as he’s coming to my piercing with me, and I find myself butt hurt.
Let me explain. I am doing this to myself. It is totally me!
Sigh. I just had a date with Cleveland. We planned a kinda low key mid-week thing. It was such a good date and it didn’t involve the overnight or traditional sex, and it left me wondering, “Do you have to fuck to have fun?”
I’ve had dates where I didn’t have sex before. I mean.. even I am not ALWAYS on. But I have to admit that the times I’ve had no sex dates I usually missed the sex. Tonight, honestly what I was craving was so relax and touch and just be. And that is exactly what we did.
We went to an early dinner and a dessert, and we talked and joked and just decompressed. Back at my place we made out for a long long time, playing with each other’s desire and taking each other to the edge and back down again over and over and over. There was so much buildup that he gave me a lovely orgasm without me removing a single item of clothing. It surprised both of us. I was already so sated that it was unexpected and a sweet un-neccessity. I returned the favor, of course, with slightly more clothing removal, but to be honest it really was the icing on the cake. I felt restored and charged.
Much like the calm I appreciate with Traveler, Cleveland is just.. easy. He doesn’t make me anxious or dread. He doesn’t key me up or trigger anything. He’s just a really good guy I have great chemistry with. It’s early early days.. like the 5th date or so, but I have to say I like how things are developing. I felt no angst about him leaving tonight. I felt languid and happy. I am whole in myself and spending time with him and his wholeness is also good.
Sigh. You can have fun and not fuck. Good to know. 🙂 It was a nice throwback to high school. You ever do that? Just have old-fashioned make out sessions? Feel each other up and explore touch for the sake of touch?
With the exception of a minor skirmish, which really had little to nothing to do with me and I luckily didn’t own, it has just been so peaceful. I keep marveling that things are getting calmer and clearer. I don’t have any big answers and I’m not seeking them. I didn’t make any of the stresses in my life disappear, and I changed nobody but me, and yet I feel like I’ve been placed in a position of neutrality.
I’ve been spending time with my friends and by myself a lot, and cooking meals at home more, and connecting here and there with loved ones. It’s just…nice.
I spent the afternoon the other day with a very old friend that I went to basic training with. It was so nice to talk about everything that was going on in her life, and catch her up on mine. She’s known me forever and I have to explain pretty much nothing. She knows me. There is such a comfort in old friends and the familiar. I told her about all that’s been happening and she offered her quiet support.
I also made peace with another old connection. I don’t like having discord with anyone and it was good to bury the hatchet. I got pretty far off the beam, and it’s nice to be coming back. I’m not a person that does turmoil, drama, and angst well and I’ve had some pretty good tsunamis- but I feel like the waters are receding and the rebuilding has begun.
Things are just coming together. I have no idea what I’m building or who will be there with me, and for today that’s alright. The act of building, in itself, is fine.