It’s hard

I can’t stand being emotional and hurt by other’s emotions.

I hate it when the people I love are angry and distant and strange.  I hate it. I spent half of July 4th not understanding why Traveler was being grouchy and surly. He kept asking me where a wine from his basement was from and I kept saying I don’t know, maybe Quinky bought it? It looks like it’s from Oregon?  It’s from 2008, were you there then? It says it’s from Oregon. Look, the winery is in Oregon.

He snapped that he knew it was from Oregon and I’d said that 5 times, and I walked upstairs like a kicked puppy. Continue reading

Home Again

Traveler and I just got home from a week away, and what a week!  I think I fell even more in love with him.

We spent a week together in Vancouver Island in British Columbia.  It was wonderful. We hiked and walked and ate great meals and did sea kayaking.  We had morning and afternoon and evening kisses and snuggles and hot passionate sex. We had connected sex and sweet sex and close gasping, can’t stop kissing, locked eyes, grasping, aching, delicious sex.  Almost four years in and I fall fall fall.  God yes.  We’ve never spent a week together before, just us, and it was glorious.

hello bc vancouver islandWe talked and talked and joked and laughed and kissed and snuggled and just had the best time.  It was easy and fun.

And honestly it was hard to come home.  We daydreamed about the cafe we’d open in Hawaii or the bed and breakfast we’d run like the one we stayed in.  We dreamed about the vacation home we’d build together and the little country house we’d live in.  It’s idle dreams that we both know won’t happen.  We love Quinky, and our jobs and our friends, and our lives.  But there was something special about this dreaming o me.  It’s special because it isn’t real.  It won’t hurt anyone or change our lives. It’s just the admission that in a perfect world made of magic we’d get to be together like this all the time.  It’s only the admission that this love is a great love too.

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The NSPP

It’s come to my attention that there was some discussion about me writing about the NSPP.  The NSPP is a rather large poly social group in Seattle with something like a thousand members.  Not all of the members are poly, and not all of the members are great, but there are oodles of trully awesome poly people that attend events or are members of the group.

A long time ago.. about 3 years ago actually… I joined the group and wrote about it in a few blogs.  I got permission from the admins at the time to write about it if I didn’t mention where specific events were or who was in it or any of that.  Awesome.  I totally respect that.

At the time I wrote the blogs I had the unfortunate experience of meeting two jerks in a row that were very involved in the NSPP at the time.  Both jerks were very pushy and both (oddly enough) tried to pressure me to not only have sex with them, but bareback sex without condoms.  They both said that this was okay and me balking at it was crazy because everyone in the NSPP is safe and “everybody knows you don’t need condoms with Nipees”. That’s total bullshit of course.  Nobody is tested or asked anything about their health or sexual practices or STI status to join a poly group. Things were looser then too and lots of people joined that weren’t really vetted in any way.  Later NSPP made lists of rules and bylaws and such and expected that anyone who joined is vouched for by someone.  I knew those guys were idiots then and I know it now and they didn’t then and don’t now speak in any way for the NSPP.

To be honest I stayed away from dating anyone who was super involved with NSPP for a while in part because of the bad taste those guys left in my mouth and in part because of the entangled nature of some poly people who were in the NSPP.  I don’t like to date someone who is dating my friends or lovers.  I just don’t like to do it.  I get along wonderfully with my metamours, or partners partners, but I don’t like to be so super enmeshed. I’m not fucking my metamour and I’m in love with her, as my family and my friend, but it’s a good thing we aren’t having sex.  It’s just so damn complicated.  LOTS of people like that kinda thing, but I don’t. It’s just me. And lots of NSPP attendees feel like enmeshing is great, and lots of them think like me that it isn’t.

Later I became good friends with several people from NSPP and dated a few people here and there that belonged and I’ve learned how many wonderful intelligent fantastic people attend events and on some occasions I go to a thing here or there.  It’s a great social group. I still don’t really treat it like a dating pool and go to most poly events to make friends.  It’s just a style of socializing that I enjoy.  Yay.

So.. revisiting talking about the NSPP, here are some thoughts.

  1. NSPP stands for Nerdy Seattle Poly Posse.  It’s a social group with lots of events.
  2. Like any group of people, especially any large group of people, there are people that are nice and mean and people that are tall and short and funny and dull.  Some NSPP people over the years have violated people’s consent, and some have worked hard to educate themselves and others about consent.  A long time ago I didn’t like the way they did certain parties because it was risky, and there were problems, but they’ve worked very hard to learn and to fix them. However… you should NEVER assume that all the people in any group on Earth are good and safe and trustworthy.
  3. Some people in the NSPP are poly, probably most. But there are people who joined under false pretenses because they thought it’d be a great place to find easy sex.  Some joined for friends who are and are not poly. Some joined for lovers. Some joined because they really like wearing ball gowns with poly or nonpoly people.  Some never have relationships and aren’t open to relationships with anyone or anyone but their spouse really, and some people just look at poly mistakenly as a way to spice up their lives. Some NSPP people aren’t even nerdy.  Don’t assume you know anyone’s motives in any group.
  4. I’ve never read anything that said I can’t disclose what it is or talk about it and I had permission to write about the NSPP from the admins.  I’m a member and I attend events but I do not sponsor people to join and do not disclose the names or locations of any NSPP events or members.  When I get questions I generally send people to the poly community since they have to be in the poly community to meet people and join, if they’re interested.
  5. If you would like to know more about any poly group in Seattle, or polyamory I always recommend blogs (ahem), books, websites, and polyamory meetup groups from meetup.com.  Seattle has two of them, the Seattle Polyamory Meetup Group and the Seattle Poly Professional Group, both located on meetup.com.  I also recommend in some areas to attend kink munches or check in with your local kink clubs as often they know where the poly people are.
  6. To find people to date that are poly I recommend online dating sites, especially OK Cupid.  Yes it takes time to meet people and to find your people, but that’s always true of relationships.
  7. No. Not all polyamorous people fuck tons of people. Just like monogamy, in polyamory people have all kinds of dating styles. Some like group sex and some do not. Some like romance and some don’t. Some like fucking clowns and some like fucking nobody because they are asexual.  People are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, gender queer, gender fluid, cis-gender, love bananas and prefer mangos and every other thing.
  8. How do you ask out poly people? Like you ask out people, because we are in fact people.
  9. How do you join the NSPP or find events? Join the poly community and live your life in the greater Seattle area and we’ll find you.  Don’t live in Seattle? Join your community.  Don’t have a great social group in your area? Start one.
  10. I don’t know. 10 sounded better than 9.

So.. there you have it.  Here is a little more about the NSPP and a little clarity hopefully.

The Magic Words

Words are magic.

I’ve been missing Traveler like crazy and it’s been like a revelation to get quick words or kisses from him.  We’ve gotten to chat a bit or talk quickly here and there while he’s been gone a week, but I’m mindful not to intrude while he’s traveling with Quinky.  It’s important to respect your partners time with their other partners.  Nothing is worse than not being allowed to have some time uninterrupted.

So, it’s good to hear he’s been having a cool time and that he’s missing me like crazy too.  It’s shocking how much my day is made by just a few little words.  I read them over and over.

straddle kissing

Kelly Balch photos

“I can’t stand being apart so long”

“I miss you”

“I can’t wait to see you”

“I wish you were here”

“Let’s get naked as soon as possible”

 

Swoon.  If you love someone, say it. If you’re crazy about someone, say it!  If you miss them like crazy too, say it!  It’s magic.

I can’t wait to be back where I belong.

He comes home tomorrow.  Happy sigh.

Harder and Harder

It gets harder and harder to be without you for a day or a few days or a week.  Some funny thing will happen in my day, or I’ll want to tell you something.  Sometimes I send a text but usually I don’t.  I know your time with them is important and precious, just as your time with me is.  We try not to intrude on your time with each other, and so usually I wait.  I’ll see you tomorrow or the day after that, and I’ll tell you all the funny things and the news then.  But I miss her too, so sometimes I text her, not every time I want to or every time I miss her either, because her attention needs to be with you too.

It gets harder to not have you here and I know it’s harder on you, missing that home when you are here and this home when you are there.  Nobody tells you when you’re entering poly how much time you’ll spend missing people.  But they also don’t tell you that it’s a little easier when you think of this family you have made being happy.

When I think of you being loved as you should be… when I think of you happy and cared for and cherished, the ache is less.  I’m happier then, thinking of you happy and loved.  But I still kinda wish there were a few more of you to go around.

Making Time

Poly people are busy, yo.  Heh.  Like you didn’t know that.  Sometimes things become a colorful mess on Google Calendar, and then what do you do?

Poly people are even busier when they are in grad school and when they are working nearly 60 hours a week and when they are doing renovations.  I’m sure that holds for “when they are parents” and “When they are care taking for loved ones” and a host of other things.

la petit mort 4

La Petit Mort Ballet via Tumbler

My poor Traveler has had to work like a mad man.  He was out of town.   Then on our date when he got home he fell asleep at 830pm.  We went to dinner and came home and he passed out.. just like that.  A quickie before renovations and the big game. The SuperBowl we all got to spend together, a few hours with Quinky Girl for him, and he had to work till 1030 and we snuggled and slept.  Then our next date he had to take off work for something Quinky needed for the renovation and he had to work all night to make it up.  Then again, he got off early for reno and had to work all night on our date.  Basically I’ve fed him, burped him, and put him to bed on every date we’ve had for two weeks.  (Okay.. minus the burping). Then finally a Saturday night, but we spent it at Quinky Girl’s boyfriend’s party and again.. asleep.  Thank god we love getting all wrapped up and snuggly in our sleep!

Let’s not even mention that two of those working and sleep dates I was working on deadlines too or that the working dates generally started about 2 hours before bed.  Poor Traveler was EXHAUSTED and just fraught.  I tried to soothe him and make it as nice as possible.  What can you do?  Sometimes life is crazy.  The only time we were alone and he wasn’t working we spent doing demo, and that was an amazing godsend.  It felt good to connect with him.

la petit mort Texas

La Petit Mort Texas Ballet

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Poly Benefit #397. Many Hands

Many hands make lighter work.

demolition 3

this is similar to what we ended up with (minus the rad brick) -image from lssu.edu

Traveler has begun a gigantic renovation project and Jonah (Quinky Girl’s other partner) and I helped.  We demolished his 1960’s bathroom from his 1917 house.  There was basically a room built into a room, so we took down paneling, sheetrock, studs, plywood, plaster and lathe.  Actually it looks like there were two renovations to that area of the house over time.  You know those bathrooms Greta Garbow must have had in some movie, all marble and golden fixtures, hollywood glamour?  Yeah.  We took out the 60’s plastic version of that.  Formica with veins and flecks and swirls and fake brass frills on a bathroom that at some point had eaten a hallway and what seems to have been a closet with a window. (We can’t figure it out!)  They wanted that 3 feet of kitchen and a luxurious bathroom from this century.  It’s step one.

I felt giddy to be included.

FINALLY.. something I’m good at that I could do for them.  They’ve taught me about wine and Traveler has taught me to ski and play WOW and helped me make furniture.  Quinky has taught me a lot of life and love stuff and inspired me to learn to cook with her crazy skills and encouragement.

renovation

This is part of what we did today.  Image found at wanderleur.com

I have a lot of skills and I am always appreciated, but this was kinda special to me.  Long long ago I did demolitions for a living.  I had one unsettling moment for them when about 40 pounds of plaster came down in a shot, but I was a huge help.  And I loved it.  I loved it because I love them and I love being useful to them.  The plumbers are coming and I helped make them ready.  We all worked really really hard and we all contributed.

But here’s a little secret part.  I love it because I love feeling included.  My family was doing a big project and they needed my help.  We built something. I helped them make home better.  I love it when we’re all together at times like that and when we sit afterwards sipping lovely champagne that is extra good in our parched and tired throats and the sore muscles we have earned.  Seriously.. next time you kick the shit outta some long and aching task, sit and survey your labors with bubbles.

I love it too because I love how well Traveler and I work together, working on our own parts and coming together, flowing in and out of our lone tasks and those we collaborate on.  We troubleshot together, taking each other’s suggestions and jumping to one another’s aid, and got a very large amount of work done.  They’re ready for the plumber now.  I love that we work well together.  I love that we all made it happen.  It thrills me to have this with Traveler and me. It’s not like it’s some thing that only exists with us, but it doesn’t have to be.  I just like that it exists with us.  I like how much we love working together.  It makes me feel… secure.  It’s a thing partners do.  I won’t have his last name and I may never know his family.  But I helped to make his home.  And that makes me really happy.

It’s a thing partners do.

And we’re partners.  We’re actually really good partners.

renovation 2