In the last few days I’ve kinda broken things off with Boss, talked to a dear friend going through a divorce and another with a long anticipated relationship that didn’t grow legs, and another who is parting from his very long-term wife. It’s going around. Talking to my first friend going through a divorce, and there in the thick of the most painful bits, I wished I could show her my memories and my mind like something from Harry Potter. I so feel for where she is at. I’m just getting out of it myself. It still looms large in my rear view. And it sucks, but it does get better. I have been mourning but also mostly happy this past year. I realized, I’m doing quite well.
In a bunch of these break up talks, the idea of all the relationships you mourn in a single break-up came up. There’s the relationship you actually had, the one you dreamed of, the one that now will never be, and the one that really was and could have been. There is reality, and making the best of it, and hope and dreams and history. I agreed that it had made me crazy too. I thought about all those years of sacrifice and sea duty and deployments and long work hours and missed birthdays and holidays and Christmases and whatever that I’d done that for “someday”, a someday that would now never be. There wasn’t going to be a time when we’d live how we’d dreamed. We weren’t going to build that big garage and workshop and we weren’t going to build custom motorcycles together or see the Willoughby parades from the end of our street where we lived in our cute little bungalow. Silver haired “us” is gone. Poof.
So much loss in a break-up. Even a pretty small one like Boss and me. I spent most of yesterday missing him and wanting to talk to him. I left that up to him, as to how and when and if we’d talk. I miss chatting here and there all day with him. It leaves a hole. But it seems relationship change, like so many things, is inevitable.
I wonder about this desire to have more permanent bonds and how rare they are and how unhappy it makes us to want them so much. I think about unlikeliness that most of us will get these forever bonds. Most of us, if we are lucky, have at least a few romantic lives. I’m certainly not alone out here making my life anew. LOTS of us break-up and start over and build our new lives. It is weird that we don’t talk about this as being the way it generally IS. We talk about trying for forever and that some of us will face loss, but the truth is that MOST of us face loss. People grow and change and form connections and shit happens. In fact, shit usually happens. And then there we are feeling like we’re the only ones, like we failed. The majority of marriages end in divorce and most relationships don’t last till death. A lot has been said about this maybe not being the best standard to judge a relationship too. If both people are alive at the end of a relationship, and they separate to find better ways that work for them, if they shared a time and were happy and grew, is that relationship really a failure?