The Pineapple Plan

Turns out there was a nice Dom on OKC.  Dammit.  NO attraction at all.

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just given the ol’ pineapple

He was significantly heavier than his profile.  He was funny and nice, intelligent and was a RIDICULOUSLY good fit for some of what I’d like in play partner.  He got that I wanted this D/s dynamic only sexually and was respectful and cool, and just a little playful here and there.  We talked a lot and were slowly building up our dynamic.  Our kinks lined up well.  I kept being surprised by this and he kept pointing out we WERE a 98% sexual match.  It was kinda uncanny.  Sigh.

I tried to talk to him a while, to see if maybe our text-chemistry would translate somehow to life and win me over.  It didn’t.  In the coffee shop I positioned myself to not be touching or in danger of touching him.  When he put his hand on mine at one point I recoiled.  I had committed to a coffee and then having him walk with me to his house on the way to my next destination.  It was an awkward walk.  I kept both hands full and tried not to encourage him.

He stopped at one point and pulled me to him.  I held my drink in front of my body and let it be trapped between us, not moving it aside.  He kissed me over the drink, just a second and I pulled away.  A peck of sorts.  He raised his eyebrows and said.. “Eh?”.  I shook my head no.  God help me.  He looked a little hurt and I felt like a shit-heel. He asked “like kissing your brother?”.  I said.. “Welllll, a little.  Sorry”, and started to walk.  I hoped that was the end of it.  We resumed talking and I could not get to our destination fast enough.

On the way he took another shot.. “This is a nice shady bench if you’d like to stop and make-out a little”.  God, this was painful.  “Um.  No thank you.  We should just keep walking”.  I was going to have to just say it and stop being vague.  I tore the band-aid.

“Listen, I’m sorry.  I am not feeling the chemistry.  I’m sorry but it’s just.. not working for me”.  I shut up before I apologized 40 more times.  I didn’t know how far away the Arena was at this point but I could not kill this guy with a thousand cuts.  He was a decent guy and I genuinely liked him.  I just knew there was no way I’d fuck him.

He swallowed and I bit the inside of my cheek.  He said “Well, that coffee shop wasn’t really conducive to chemistry, you know.  We should try again with a better atmosphere.  Maybe we could go get drinks and such, somewhere more.. um.. chemistry friendly.  I mean, I find you really attractive, and you are attracted to me, right?”.  Oh God.  Really?  I could not lie to him.  I felt like the best thing to do was to be honest.  And as I opened my mouth to do so I knew I was pure evil.  “Well, I mean, you’re reasonably attractive…”.

What the fuck!  Oh my holy living lord of the flies.  Did I seriously just say that?  He winced.  I would have winced.  That was brutal.  I tried to backpedal and he was classy about it.  That made is so much worse.  I was fairly certain I would be in a slightly nastier part of Hell.  We arrived at his place a minute later and said a quick and awkward good-bye.  I practically ran with relief to be free when he turned to go inside.  I speed walked away.  I would have run if I could have.  I can’t stand this part of dating.

ImageGreat Date was there when I arrived and said “How’d it go?”  Seeing my pained face, he said “pineapple?”.  I nodded and hugged him and told him all about it.

See.. the pineapple comment refers to my pineapple plan.  I can’t stand telling people no at the end of the date and I can’t stand stringing them along.  A lot of people do the email later, and I may have to take that up.  I just don’t usually do it because I think it’s chicken and I don’t like to string people along, but fuck.. it’s hard to just be clear and kind.

So, here’s what I would do instead.. here is my proposal.

Bring a pineapple on your date.  At the beginning of the date, you put it on the table.  You have the date and at the end, if it’s not going to happen, you don’t have to say anything.  You just do the accepted symbolic gesture of sliding over the pineapple.  It’s like a parting gift and a consolation prize.

You won’t be seeing me naked, but here.. enjoy a delicious pineapple.  If you do like your date you ask them to eat it with you and put it in the middle of the table.  If they aren’t interested, they slide it back to you, maybe with a regretful smile.  Sure, you’re rejected, but you have a lovely pineapple to enjoy.  And you use a pineapple, or maybe a mango because these lovely fruits make your sex taste sweet.  So, at least you’ll be nice and fresh for your next date.  Who’s with me?