For some strange reason my ex-husband has been on my mind a lot lately. It hasn’t been an angsty thing. For a little while now I have been able to look back with a more balanced view. I remember all the good things and acknowledge the bad with less pain. I would be friends with him if that were possible, because I miss some really great things about him as a human being, but I would never want to date him or any of that. And I do of course remember the hurts, but without that fiery ember. I’m not angry with him and I see it more clearly, the ways neither of us meant to hurt each other and the collision that was our end.
And maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking of him. For a long time I made myself crazy going over things and then for a long time I tried not to think of him much at all. But I can think back now. I feel healthier. I feel like I can see things more accurately.. all of the ways I contributed to things good and bad, and the ways he did too. Neither one of us is a blameless victim of anything and neither one of us were evil. We were both such fallible human beings. Have you had a break-up? Relate to this at all?
I have been thinking about the people that resonate with us. My ex used to hate this, that I talk about people resonating. I can’t help it. It interests me. I wonder what the effect was on us of loving each other. What did I leave there, after the healing, after the end, after all of our years, what’s he holding? For a while I couldn’t see him accurately. It hurt too much and I was angry. I know it was like that for him too. I could not imagine he knew me so little. It was crazy. But I was making him the angel and the demon in my mind when really he’s just a man. Continue reading