“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
Piers Anthony

I hate conflict.  But I also sometimes create it or add to it.  Sometimes my feelings bubble up and I can’t hold them back and they come spilling out in a mess.  And I spend a LOT of time apologizing for that when it happens.  I know how much it sucks, and for someone who hates conflict it is the literal worst.  It feels like I betray myself.

Otherwise, I avoid conflict with anyone I care about. Even if it has nothing to do with me.  Even if I have a legitimate beef with you… Even if I caught you lying.. if you were mean or unfair or cruel.. even if you were the one that treated me badly, my tendency is to want to take the hit if it will just end this gnashing of teeth.  The FIRST thing I think when anyone I care about is upset is, “what did I do?”  I apologize for my feelings.  I apologize for wanting.  I apologize for being a mess and for needing.  I apologize for having felt hurt.   Continue reading

Stop Drinking Poison

Some people say resentment is the number one offender.  True… so true.

Emerson Quote

Emerson Quote

Everyone we love fucks up.  They hurt us.  Maybe they are a giant asshole, or maybe they are just human.  Maybe they are wonderful and made a mistake.  Maybe they are vile and must be avoided.  Either way… sometimes we develop and cradle and house resentment, and it destroys us and destroys our happiness and our peace and our love.  Someone has stabbed us and we have grabbed the knife and are plunging in again and again and again.

Sometimes we are wronged and hurt.  It happens.  People are not actually against us, but sometimes they are for themselves.  Sometimes they don’t think.  Sometimes they are focused elsewhere.  Sometimes they’re being selfish or narrow minded or cruel.  Sometimes they are afraid.  Sometimes they don’t know how to do the right thing.  Sometimes they think they are due something or fighting for something or willing to climb our backs for things.  Some of these people cannot be trusted and we have to alter our relationship with them, and sometimes we love them and want them in our lives.

Either way, it’s a bad idea to resent them.

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I'm stupid

Sometimes you’re just wrong. That’s me today. I had to get up early. When I rolled over, hoping for snuggles, here was hubby, like most days.. From the second he gets up until he goes to bed.. Smoochy wooching with Roller Girl.
I got pissed and got out of bed. a few minutes later I yelled at him when he came in the bathroom, which won’t help.

Me being an asshole isn’t going to make life better.

It suddenly dawned on me that I was letting my resentment rule me. I was being wrong. And it’s stupid.

I stopped immediately and tried to make amends. I can’t do crap about his shit but I WILL take care of mine. I hate being the asshole. 😦

Can't Stop Prodding It

Looking at some sexual jealousy, mine and his.. and wondering how to consistently behave.  

green eyed monsterThings have taken a decided upswing with Hubby.  We’ve officially been in counseling for a few weeks now and have learned a few useful tools.  He’s also working a bit individually on himself.  It’s still only been days, but I am starting to see that maybe maybe maybe we’ll make it.  I can’t express strongly enough how much this would relieve me.  There’s been a lot of turmoil, but I still really love Hubby.

We had a good date where he came over to the city to spend time with me and we enjoyed each others company.  We talked and laughed, held hands and were kinda loving.  It was nice.  It was followed by days of better stuff too.  We were actually talking and being more like us.  And then last night I took a turn being the asshole.  There is this troubling spot, like a sore tooth I just can’t stop prodding. Continue reading