Moving In

I’ve been off the grid a bit because I’ve been moving.  This past Saturday, I settled in.  Tired, relieved, sore, happy, worried, relaxing sigh… I’m in.

ImageMy one roommate, the one that kicked me out, has been asking me how the new apartment is, and honestly part of me didn’t want to tell her.  It’s wonderful.  I’m so happy to be there.  So many things about it are just awesome.  It’s such a relief to have my own space.  It’s so comforting to have a place where I could have my friends over.  After we’d moved everything, Traveler and Quinky, Cleveland and Chicago and Chicago Boy and I toasted with pizza and beer.  Quinky made a lovely toast to the new place, and to this being the first of many good times in it with family and friends.  I held my breath not to cry.  We sat on the floor and ate pizza and it was glorious.  I am blessed beyond belief.  The family I’ve found, and these beautiful generous loving people are more than I could ever hope for.

Quinky worked something like 50+hours and still came and hauled things all day.  I know she was tired and sore, and I never expected her to pitch in like that.  Traveler had been out of town all week and had woken up at 330 am to take Peaches to the airport and then crawled in my bed for snuggles and a little more sleep that morning.  I was nervous, and he soothed me with his loving touch.  Cleveland was there, bright eyed and his usual happy self, acting like moving me was fun, even as he sweated and carried all the heaviest things, he never complained.  Chicago and Chicago Boy showed up, worked their asses off, and made everything just a little bit more fun.  It was actually about as pleasant as a move can be.

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Everyone loves the new place.  It’s simple but really nicely apportioned and maintained and in a great location.  It’s a good size toot.  It’s definitely better than anything else I could get at the price range, and the drawbacks are few and easy to handle.  Continue reading

Ambivilent

This one has really descriptive sex.. skip it if you’d rather not read that.  🙂  Thanks!

I filed my divorce papers yesterday.  After I filed I went to the nearest coffee shop, feeling like lead.  Ironically it’s the coffee shop where I met Traveler.  I sat where he stood way back then, just for a bit.  Traveler’s Wife, Quinky Girl, and I texted a bit and she said she’d meet me for a drink.  Cleveland and I had a date that night, but I took her up on it and met her at a local place.  By the time I got there I felt a lot better.  I keep vacillating.  It’s been months and months, so part of me is glad to have it wrapping up.  I’m relieved it’s finally resolving.  I’m excited about my new place and I feel like I’m finally really starting over, not just camping and sitting in shock.  Image

But I also feel phenomenally stupid.  I feel like a failure.  Useless.  Thrown away.  I don’t understand and I can’t understand.  I want there to be a neat reason for it and there just isn’t.  The entire time he has been lying and changing his story.

I don’t know what happened and the more I think about that the more I feel something tear.  Why was he so cruel?  How could he be with me all those years and think the things he thought and said about me?  Did he even believe them?  Was it just an excuse?  He said them to RollerGirl too later, when she became the bad Madonna and another girl the Whore.  He lied to her as much as he lied to me.  He’s lying to the dog walker too.  Lies lies lies.

Quinky Girl’s very presence was a balm.  I keep having to remember it doesn’t make sense because it doesn’t make sense.  And life is like that.  We talked about honesty and relationships before Traveler and Cleveland arrived.  When Traveler came she asked him to sit with me and give me snuggles because it’d been an eventful day.  I kissed her face for her generosity.  We had a good dinner and some laughs.  Cleveland arrived in time for happy hour tacos too.

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All Good Things

I feel like the universe is showering me with good.  I know that’s a weird thing to say, I mean, I’m getting divorced (signing papers today) and my roommates asked me to leave because they can’t stand living with me, and I am pretty broke, eating my savings to move and afford an apartment on my own.  But here’s the thing.. these are good things too.seedling2

It’s of course a sad thing still that my marriage ended, or that the good era of my marriage ended.  I do miss the good things about being with my ex.  I think you can miss who a person once was and what you had with them, even as you acknowledge that it is gone.  I didn’t stop loving him.  It doesn’t really work that way.  I was talking last night with a friend about relationships and (unrelated) I kept thinking that it’s sad when things change in ways we might not have set out to go, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to change a relationship that no longer really works or is not really fulfilling.  Every relationship involves compromise but there’s a limit to that.  Holding on to relationships that aren’t right for us, even if they are with really lovely people, blocks us from the motivation to pursue and devote ourselves to things that are more fulfilling.  It keeps us from growing and it keeps us stuck.  It’s hard, but it’s good to see relationships for what they are.  (again this isn’t about my friend.. just a thought I was having)

Having my marriage end was awful and hard and painful.  If you’ve read this at all,  you know that. But it was ultimately healthy for me, I think.  It was a catalyst for change and growth.  It made me think about who I want to be and what I want to be doing, and I’m working on that.  And I feel like I’m making progress.

I’ve gotten to travel a little bit and bond more with my friends.  I’ve fallen madly in love with Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s wife, and we’re having a polyaffective love affair.  (I like to call it courtly love).  Do you ever fall in love with your friends?   You’ll hear more about that on the podcast, when it posts, and you can read more about it at her blog post here.

I’m moving on from a living situation that caused a lot of discomfort and starting my life in my own place.  I’m dating kind, loving, sweet, intelligent, sexy, passionate, interesting men who treat me very well.  I am in love and falling madly.  The people in my life are honest with me, as far as I can tell, and none of them seems to have an overly difficult time talking to me about things honestly.  I mean, I AM still dating men, engineers and computer dudes at the moment, so you know, there’s THAT.  But I am really grateful for men that are good to me.

I’d like to date a woman, and have more of a connection with a lovely woman that included sexy times, but it’ll happen or not as it needs to and I feel no urge to chase.  My life is abundant.  You never know.  Maybe lovely Amelia will resurface.

I’m enjoying writing more again with this program my friend gave me that allows me to talk and dictate, and I’m looking forward to leaving my easel up so I can paint more regularly.  I’m loving roller derby and finally seeing improvement in my skating.  I’m getting excited to cook more and have fun learning how to make yummy relatively healthy things.  I’m thinking of taking some classes.  I’m exploring my kinks.  I’m getting things together to go back to school.  Growth for me has often been a process that starts with pain.  Pain is a great motivator.  But after the pain, action and reflection ushers in a period of joy and of loving the growth.  I don’t always like the process or the changing, but I love the results.  It’s so nice to be marveling at the good stuff right now.  It’s just so nice.

I have to add and admit to one last thing too… I have such fun sexy plans.  I’ve been talking about trying something new.  I’m talking about trying a few somethings new.  In fact, we’re talking about sexy adventures in all of my relationships.  Oh, how I love that.  I’m awash with sexual energy and musing.  I’m having the best time not really imagining anything specific, but liking the promise and planning little explorations.  I love when I’m like this.. all sensual energy and writhing excitement at my sexy plans. I can’t wait to explore. seedling3

 

 

Getting Excited

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Quinky Girl, aka Traveler’s Wife

*First, a little bid-ness*  We did a podcast tonight, and I’m happy to tell you that we sort of “outted” Traveler’s Wife in it.  She came a did a great pod-cast with us and that will post soon.  She has a poly blog of her own and I have permission to tell you about it.  Traveler’s Wife is known as Quinky Girl, and she blogs over at blogspot.  Find her blog here. *

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I’m getting excited for my new apartment.  I’m so eager to get the final word and start setting things up.  I don’t like that I have to move, and I would have preferred to stay because this puts me in a little bit of a difficult financial situation, but I’m getting kinda giddy about the good bits.  

I’ve been sort of in limbo a bit, and it’s exciting to be moving forward and into my own place.  I’m nervous about living alone and all of those empty days and nights, but that’s what friends and lovers are for, right? Continue reading

Not Like That

***I try not to edit the past or edit blogs for content if I later find them upsetting or embarrassing or whatever, but this time it wasn’t about me and that’s not okay. This post was edited because it contained information other people did not want shared and I have deleted their information. It is important that I am more careful with others info and I was not as careful as I should have been, so it was deleted.***

I like to have dreams about my sweeties, but not like that.

I had a dream last night that Traveler, Traveler’s wife, Peaches, Dragon and I were at a party. After a while we noticed Traveler and Dragon were gone and Traveler’s wife wanted to ask them something. We went looking and found Traveler and Dragon in the host’s big old tub in a sea of bubbles. They had champagne and looked smug to be caught together at the party. Traveler’s wife asked Traveler what the hell he was doing and Traveler said he was celebrating. He said he and Dragon were finally on the same page and that he would be moving to San Francisco with Dragon and they were planning to marry. Peaches and I put our arms around Traveler’s wife, who was shocked. I asked, what about us (meaning Traveler’s wife, Peaches and I)? Traveler laughed and Dragon did too, cruelly. Traveler said he was sorry to hurt his wife, but really.. what did I have to be upset about? “Oh, you didn’t think this was like.. really love, did you? Oh god. You did. Wow. That’s kinda pathetic”. And then he and Dragon laughed and laughed and laughed.

I went to Cleveland for some solace and he pulled away from hugging me when I shared the last line, about how Traveler was amused I thought he’d loved me, and Cleveland said “well he has a point. I mean.. oh.. wow… you really do think that we loved you. Um. Honey. That’s really sad. Of course we don’t LOVE you love you. God you’re needy.”

I woke up crying.

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Beginnings and Possibilities

I wrote recently about perspective.  (See what I did there?  I’m trying to make you look and improve my stickiness.  (Oh, and I help my friends too.)

dawnAnyway.. I’m in the end..or.. the beginning.  A chapter is closing, a big fat major huge mega chapter.  I’m ending my 13 year relationship.  Right now I am in the thick of it, packing and moving out, negotiating and trying to get him to just split everything, and hoping we don’t have to spend most of what we’ve saved and what he earns on lawyers so that we can just end up splitting it down the middle anyway.  I spend the afternoon and evening swimming in what’s left.  It made me cry to see the beautiful home I’d made dismantling as I took down the pictures and packed up the art and games and kitchen stuff.  I never ever thought it would ever come to this.  I honestly believed we were ironclad, and then we weren’t.

I felt like I was drowning.  I tried to talk to Peaches but she was on a date with Traveler, so I called Cleveland.  It’s a risky move reaching out to the new beau.  I asked him to just talk to me about anything and bless him, he did.  He talked about his work and his blog and projects and guns.  After a short bit, we were chit chatting amiably and I not longer felt like I was gasping.

I told him I didn’t want to blog about my night tonight when he asked me for topic suggestions for his blog.  He selected one and I asked if he’d suggest a blog topic for me too, and he said “beginnings and possibilities”.  I loved it.   I’d been to dinner early with a friend and she commiserated about divorce, how she too had divorced her long time husband when she was my age.  She talked about how she suddenly realized that this is good, how suddenly she could see that she didn’t know what would happen next or what could be, and eventually came to love the possibility in that.

I can do anything right now.  Continue reading