Take a Leap

There are reports out now that Gonorrhea is on the rise in Washington (and everywhere else).  It’s up 40% here, health officials at the Washington Dept of Heath report.


A woman in a full body black rubber suit

A woman in a full body black rubber suit

Gonorrhea is the second most common STI in Washington, after Chlamydia.  The hardest hit demographic is young adults.  The rise is attributed to not using condoms and using them improperly, and the prevalence of unprotected oral sex.

So.. am I gonna stop having sex?  Uh. No.

There are two big errors of thinking that occur with something like this statistic.  One is that we all want to think that the bad things only happen to other people. “I’m 33 and that doesn’t apply to me” and “I was tested last year and so was my partner and we are good”, “I only sleep with educated white people” or “I’m in the NSPP and we are all poly and all safe”.  This is all NONSENSE.

Another main error is the thinking that we are immune because we take this or that safety measure.  “I use condoms with new partners” or “I ask people if they are tested” or “I go on a few dates with someone before anything happens and we always have ‘the chat'”.  This is also NONSENSE.  These are good things to do but they don’t equal immunity.  If you have sex you are taking a risk.

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Sowing More Oats

I sowed a lot of my oats back in the day.  Before marriage I was a casual girl and I’ve done most of my experimenting and hooking up with random people long ago.  I became monogamous and committed in fact because I wanted to have something with a little more depth.  Connection and love and real intimacy were the uncharted territories for me. 

But… I do still have a few interests.

I have a list of kinky things I want to do.  I also want to have a few experiences I didn’t.  I’d like to try swinging.  Cleveland was a swinger and knows a little something about it.  I don’t know that I’d become a big swinger or do it a lot, but I’d like to give it a try.  Cleveland and I have talked about it on and off since we began dating.  His interests these days seem to lie more in relationships too, but he’s totally down to doing a little swing here and there maybe. 


And it’s actually happening.  We just booked our trip to Portland!  There’s a really good club there, apparently. I found myself the teensiest bit nervous last night when we booked our room.  I asked Cleveland if we needed to have any agreements.  I think he was mostly amused at my request.  He didn’t seem to think we’d need many.  I started to get mildly annoyed at him, sort of looking at him to be my resident expert and help me know what I might want to address or figure out with him.  The problem is that I don’t even know what to ask.

We talked about same room vs separate and would both like same room.  I don’t really want to swing to rack up more sex partners.  I want to share a couple with Cleveland and have the voyeur/exhibition thing.  Agreed.  Check.  I don’t want to put a bunch of weird rules on the types of sex allowed (no kissing/head only for me/whatever) because that always made things odd for me in threesomes.  A fun sexy experience seems to be more fun when it’s allowed to go where it will, and frankly I don’t care what he does and wouldn’t want to be limited myself.  I told him if he wants to do it and “she” consents to do it with him, to have fun.  Agreed.  Check.  Now about safe sex. 

Hmm.  Apparently most swingers don’t use barriers for oral sex.  I know a lot of people assume it’s pretty much relatively safe, but the facts are that it’s actually fairly risky these days.  Gonorrhea is super prevalent in the area.  I would never give a stranger head without a condom.  There are just too many people I could effect if I brought something home.  I use condoms with Traveler and Cleveland, but not for oral because we are all tested and safe.  Well, fuck it.  They can think I’m weird or refuse head from me if they like.  I am choosing to protect my partners, just in case.  Condoms aren’t a perfect method, but I just can’t justify exposing people I love unnecessarily.  I guess poly people are a little more conscientious about this than swingers.  Whatever.  

Cleveland said that if we go and anything is the slightest bit uncomfortable or I prefer it for any reason then he and I can just have fun at the club together, maybe fuck a little publicly.  Good.  I love that.  No matter what we’ll have a great time.

We decided there would be no big taking one for the team and that we wanted to only play as a couple.  I hemmed and hawed getting there and then called myself on it.  I realized I needed to just ask for what I wanted.  I didn’t want to find myself in a situation where I really hated that guy and he liked the girl and they went off to play alone or whatever.  I leveled with him about that and asked for what I wanted and he laughed and said “of course!”.  He let me know that nothing at all had to happen and that it’s always more fun to go with no expectations. 

So, we’ll see.  I may just fuck Cleveland in a swanky club in Portland or I may enjoy another couple with him, watching and being watched.  A huge part of it is just that I have never been and I’d like to.  And besides, I’m FINALLY getting to Portland!  Here I come great bookstore, donuts and art!

Young Girls are Whack

I was talking to an old friend yesterday.  He recently had a problem where a 20 year old girl he was “dating” turned out to be very unsavory.  He’s in his 40’s.  She’s hot.  He was surprised she was a train wreck. 


May/December Romance

I’ll admit there are some very young very hot girls who want relationships or friends with benefits with middle aged men, but honestly.. they’re usually very damaged.  There are exceptions of course, but they are usually for men who are very very rich or look like Matthew McConaughey and that most normal 20 year old’s don’t date most normal 40’somethings.


Um.. yes please. 🙂

When I told him this, he became increasingly upset.  He could not or would not see that I was not saying he is poor or not good looking.  He was incensed.  I didn’t think I was saying anything particularly hurtful and apologized and tried to explain.  The more I tried, the more upset he became.  He began insulting me and listing my flaws, defending himself.  I held it together for a while and then lost my temper.  I called him an infant.  He has a habit of being defensive and pushing people out of his life, despite the fact that he’s an intelligent, caring, sweet, funny, kind, good looking guy. 

I was concerned for him.  This girl was a train wreck of epic proportions.  She was a pill/meth/drug addict and was like.. days sober when they met and began “dating”.  He knew that she’d done crazy things in the past but thought she was good because “She’s sober now”.  Um.. sober for days?  And she was actually admittedly still smoking pot.  She has a twitter account and was posting shit about doing this guy and that guy and doing meth, and around the time my old friend had sex with her, she posted that she was “throwing up cum next to 7-11.  I’m so classy”.  That was almost exactly at the same time my friend had unprotected sex with her. 

“What?” he said, “I couldn’t have known.  I asked her if she was regularly screened and was clean.  She said she was.”  Right.  But she’d have sex with a guy she’s known for like a week with no condom?  She’s a paragon of sexual safety, as is my friend.  Not surprisingly she gave him Chlamydia.  (I hope that’s all she gave him).  When he finally reached her about it she admitted that she knew and “was going to tell him” but he was an asshole.  She insulted him.  He was nervous about her because of her crazy twitter and irate phone call and changed the locks on his house. 

So with him on day one of antibiotics, I thought it might be a nice time to ask him if it might be wise to rethink this whole dating-20-year-old-women thing.  He blinked a lot and seemed sincerely confused.  “No.  What do you mean? Why would you say that?”.  “Um.. because the kind of 20 year old who would date a man of your age isn’t going to be a very quality person, on average”.  This one was tweeting all kinds of unsafe and crazy things, gave him clap, lied about her testing, insulted him, and scared him.  Really, he’s surprised? 


Bono with two very young girls.

The crazy part is he’s a cool guy.   He can actually get really decent women if he raised the bar a little.  Instead of hearing me though, he became more and more unreasonable and ended the friendship, convinced I was “twisting the knife”.  Sigh.

His girlfriend was trying to tell him the same thing but he just WILL NOT hear it, and he’s a very smart guy.  Sigh. 

Eh..it’s not always a good idea to be a messenger or hold a mirror to someone.  I didn’t take his insults and lashing out to heart and I’m not very upset that he withdrew his friendship, but I am a little flabbergasted and sad.  What are you going to do?