Thinking

Thinking Thinking Thinking.  

I’ve spent the better part of a week thinking.  

I’m thinking about what I want and what I don’t and what’s acceptable and sustainable and fulfilling.  And you know.. I’m not sure what to do.  As for Traveler, I’m going to talk to him.  With a lot of reflection and a lot of time in rumination I get where he was coming from and I just need to talk to him.  I need him to know how I feel.  I think I have a legitimate reason to be upset, but I also know that this isn’t a habit or pattern.  He treats me very very very well.  He loves me in words and actions and he is kind and considerate and loving.  He made a decision that hurt me.  He didn’t intend to hurt me and I know it.  But I do have to tell him.  I need to know how he sees some stuff and so I’ll ask him.  I kept thinking and thinking.. wondering what I was going to ask of him and then I realized I don’t need to ask him for anything but a talk so I can say my peace.  When he comes home from his man trip I will talk to him and we’ll move on and hopefully be better for it.  It doesn’t have to be more than that.

As for more general things.. all my thinking has given me a few realizations and left me with some questions.  That’s okay.  That happens sometimes.  We pause occasionally and take stock.  We make choices and refine things over time.  We have experiences and are tempered by them.  It’s just a little time of growth for me.  That’s good too, even if it isn’t always the most fun thing.  It’s like my tag line says.. It’s as wonderful and complicated as it sounds some times.  I’m unplugging now and watching dumb TV in my jammies.  I’m tired.

Gratitude!

Yesterday I moved out of the home I shared with my husband and into my new home.  It was surprisingly less emotional than I expected it to be.  Packing had been hard.  It was jarring to see my home dismantling as I took down the art and rolled up the rugs and grabbed all of the things I would be taking.  Sorting through pictures was tough.  Seeing mementos and things we’d been excited about, and realizing it was all really ending was difficult.  I was wracked with tears packing a box of love letters and cards and mushy stuff from 13 years together.

Image

dadwagon.com

Loading the truck, in contrast, was decidedly easy (If you count backbreaking labor as easy).  We gouged the crap out of the wall taking out the box spring, but otherwise there were no casualties or tears.  Continue reading

Secret Hideout

I got to a mental space earlier this week where I just felt like I needed to throw in the towel and move out.  I wanted to give up, not because Hubby isn’t trying.  I actually think he is.  It was just that it’s slow work and honestly I can’t physically take being around him sometimes.  He brings so much tension in the house on a regular basis.  His incomprehensible behavior baffles me.  I never know what I’m coming home to and I’m physically feeling it.  I need a secret hideout.

escape 2

Continue reading