Home Again

Traveler and I just got home from a week away, and what a week!  I think I fell even more in love with him.

We spent a week together in Vancouver Island in British Columbia.  It was wonderful. We hiked and walked and ate great meals and did sea kayaking.  We had morning and afternoon and evening kisses and snuggles and hot passionate sex. We had connected sex and sweet sex and close gasping, can’t stop kissing, locked eyes, grasping, aching, delicious sex.  Almost four years in and I fall fall fall.  God yes.  We’ve never spent a week together before, just us, and it was glorious.

hello bc vancouver islandWe talked and talked and joked and laughed and kissed and snuggled and just had the best time.  It was easy and fun.

And honestly it was hard to come home.  We daydreamed about the cafe we’d open in Hawaii or the bed and breakfast we’d run like the one we stayed in.  We dreamed about the vacation home we’d build together and the little country house we’d live in.  It’s idle dreams that we both know won’t happen.  We love Quinky, and our jobs and our friends, and our lives.  But there was something special about this dreaming o me.  It’s special because it isn’t real.  It won’t hurt anyone or change our lives. It’s just the admission that in a perfect world made of magic we’d get to be together like this all the time.  It’s only the admission that this love is a great love too.

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True Colors

I can’t believe how corny this is, but I just listened to True Colors by Cindy Lauper a bunch of times in a row.  There’s life just being life really, the things of loving and working and sleeplessness and school, but it’s just that it’s the end of a day where I worked 12 hours to turn in my big paper.  I just miss my dad.

Fuck, I miss my dad.  I miss the way he loved Cindy Lauper.  He loved her so much.  Here he was, this 40 year old Dad and he was just so tickled by a song my friends and I listened to.  He’d laugh and smile and smack his leg.  “Oh man!  Look at that Holly!  Look look look! Is that a chandelier on her head?”.  It’s funny to watch the video again.  He just got such a kick out of her.  But her song said something too.
You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
Sometimes you just need home.  Sometimes you get lost and your cheeks hurt from salt and you are so bone wearyingly tired.  I end up longing for memories of a grandmother I didn’t have.  I miss my dad, playing guitar and singing like Bob Dylan, only somehow more screechy.  I miss my dad playing Cindy Lauper’s records and the way he was sad and comforted by her song. I think when you loose someone it’s just that time wears off the edges of the thing so it cuts less, but every now and then you find a burr.  I miss him like it was yesterday.  And everyone misses the people that they lost in this unique and lonely way.

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Making Time

Poly people are busy, yo.  Heh.  Like you didn’t know that.  Sometimes things become a colorful mess on Google Calendar, and then what do you do?

Poly people are even busier when they are in grad school and when they are working nearly 60 hours a week and when they are doing renovations.  I’m sure that holds for “when they are parents” and “When they are care taking for loved ones” and a host of other things.

la petit mort 4

La Petit Mort Ballet via Tumbler

My poor Traveler has had to work like a mad man.  He was out of town.   Then on our date when he got home he fell asleep at 830pm.  We went to dinner and came home and he passed out.. just like that.  A quickie before renovations and the big game. The SuperBowl we all got to spend together, a few hours with Quinky Girl for him, and he had to work till 1030 and we snuggled and slept.  Then our next date he had to take off work for something Quinky needed for the renovation and he had to work all night to make it up.  Then again, he got off early for reno and had to work all night on our date.  Basically I’ve fed him, burped him, and put him to bed on every date we’ve had for two weeks.  (Okay.. minus the burping). Then finally a Saturday night, but we spent it at Quinky Girl’s boyfriend’s party and again.. asleep.  Thank god we love getting all wrapped up and snuggly in our sleep!

Let’s not even mention that two of those working and sleep dates I was working on deadlines too or that the working dates generally started about 2 hours before bed.  Poor Traveler was EXHAUSTED and just fraught.  I tried to soothe him and make it as nice as possible.  What can you do?  Sometimes life is crazy.  The only time we were alone and he wasn’t working we spent doing demo, and that was an amazing godsend.  It felt good to connect with him.

la petit mort Texas

La Petit Mort Texas Ballet

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One Legged Man- Ass Kicking

colors are loaded into a palm of a hand for Holi

colors are loaded into a palm of a hand for Holi

Holy fuck-balls people.  I overbooked myself.  My loves are overbooked.  My calendar looks like a sidewalk after an Indian Holi celebration (where they throw all the colors).  Traveler and I haven’t had a regular weekend date in a month.  And I’m not even getting the short end of the stick!  He and Quinky Girl are in a similar boat for the most part.

But seriously.  We haven’t had anything like dinner, an evening, and breakfast in a month.  We spent some time together on Sunday and it was the first day we’ve had in a long long time where we were just together, and even that we spent it working.  It was so fucking nice just to sit on a couch with him.

We’re seeing each other, sometimes 3 days a week.  But it’s including a lot of parties, Burning Man events, yard work, potlucks, group things and all-together-get-togethers.  If we didn’t all eat breakfast together sometimes neither Quinky or I would eat a breakfast with him each week.  Often we are cramming a bagel in our mouths as we hit the road.  It’s crazy.   Continue reading

No Tit for Tatty

It’s easy to get panties in a bunch when we are titting-for-tatting or feeling we aren’t getting the whole story.  It’s easy to create a rivalry that doesn’t exist if we make it seem like the unfair or unpleasant things come from someone else.  People start to feel like “hey, wait a minute”.. and our brains work to create problems that don’t exist because we humans are good at finding explanations for our feelings.

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org/blog/k1/uploads/2013/08/tit_for_tat_k0nsl.jpg

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org

For example: If you tell me that you are going out with someone and you are excited and like this and that and expect this to happen, and you go and have a good time and roughly the things you said would happen happen, I feel safe and included and informed and like I’m on the inside.  I am informed and feel no need to guess or create explanations for my feelings of uncertainty.  I know the facts.  I’m good.

If however, you try to spare my feelings by saying you’re going out with this person but you don’t know really if you feel like it and this person isn’t really all that appealing and nothing is gonna happen, and then you go out and things happen and you clearly are pretty nuts about them, I get scared.  You’re managing me.  You’re trying to downplay what you are feeling or what you want and it doesn’t match what you are telling me.  This makes me feel I can’t trust you and I am on the outside.  I feel scared and not included.  My brain works to explain the gap between what I am being told and what I am observing.  I feel unsafe.

Soooo many times when I communicate poorly I do this.  Continue reading

Resonate

Lindsay & Austin // EngagedFor some strange reason my ex-husband has been on my mind a lot lately.  It hasn’t been an angsty thing.  For a little while now I have been able to look back with a more balanced view.  I remember all the good things and acknowledge the bad with less pain.  I would be friends with him if that were possible, because I miss some really great things about him as a human being, but I would never want to date him or any of that.  And I do of course remember the hurts, but without that fiery ember.  I’m not angry with him and I see it more clearly, the ways neither of us meant to hurt each other and the collision that was our end.

And maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking of him.  For a long time I made myself crazy going over things and then for a long time I tried not to think of him much at all.  But I can think back now.  I feel healthier.  I feel like I can see things more accurately.. all of the ways I contributed to things good and bad, and the ways he did too.  Neither one of us is a blameless victim of anything and neither one of us were evil.  We were both such fallible human beings.  Have you had a break-up?  Relate to this at all?

broken mirror couple

I have been thinking about the people that resonate with us.  My ex used to hate this, that I talk about people resonating.  I can’t help it. It interests me.  I wonder what the effect was on us of loving each other.  What did I leave there, after the healing, after the end, after all of our years, what’s he holding?  For a while I couldn’t see him accurately.  It hurt too much and I was angry.  I know it was like that for him too. I could not imagine he knew me so little.  It was crazy. But I was making him the angel and the demon in my mind when really he’s just a man. Continue reading

Pierced!

So much has been going on.  I’ve been having outrageous fun and enjoying a few happy accidents.  And I finally pierced my pussy.

holiday piercingTraveler and Quinky Girl were not able to go to Traveler’s Family’s annual celebration.  That is very sad for them, as they love his family and he has NEVER missed a Christmas with them.  After a bit of commiseration though, we made something wonderful out of something sad.  And the something wonderful is the biggest most wonderful gift I got this season.  I had time with my loves!  Traveler and I enjoyed a holiday burlesque that was the most professional and beautiful burlesque either of us have seen.  Tremendous food and tremendous wine, and dancing and boobs and comedy and song. Wonderful!  It was insanely expensive, and cost way more than I’d planned.  But I’ll recover financially and he’s worth it.

And then Traveler and I and Quinky and Jonah and Jonah’s other partner and gussied up in medieval garb and hit a yule feast in Camden for Christmas Eve.  (funny, right?)  And on Christmas I spent the morning (after waking up excessively late) over a nice brunch opening presents before going to my dear old friend’s family Christmas.  Her family is terribly sweet, and welcomes me for the holidays.  I don’t have any family and am usually alone on the holidays, so this is INCREDIBLY appreciated and generous of them.  I didn’t stay super long because I’d hoped to help make the holidays nice with Traveler and Quinky Girl, who were missing their family, but even a little conversation and some hugs and the time with my friend lamenting her (nearly perfect) feast felt like home.  And then I had the juiciest, most flavorful, most tender and delicious tenderloin I’d ever tasted.

I loved that we ended up talking about real things around the table, eating wonderful food and talking about Quinky making a big decision.  It’s something when the people you love honor you by getting real about deep shit.

There has just been such good time.  I have to admit the holidays generally make me sad.  It’s hard to try to plan enough and to bolster myself during the holidays.  I’m lucky enough to have found my family, and it’s hard to be apart from them over the holidays.  But this year was wonderful.  Baking cookies with my loves and my kittens, running around ragged getting everything done, washing so many dishes with my days of cookie baking I have perma dish-pan-hands.  And I loved it.

And then today…

I finally realized a dream I’ve been planning for forever.  I got my beautiful labia rings.  There’s never a super great time to stab your pussy, and to wait for it to heal for almost a month for anything about about 3 months for tougher things.  Traveler helped me out and sent me off with a “till we meet again” passion, and then he came with me. Continue reading